To fix a broken Girl
by romycullen
Summary: He was the one who broke her. Could he be able to fix her now? All humans. EdxB. Rated M for Mature content. OOC/AU
1. Chapter 1

I don't own Twilight. Plot and mot of descriptions are mine though.

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Bella looked at herself in the mirror and sighed. She was five feet four and a hundred and thirty pounds. She wasn't a fat girl according to her doctor but kids at school thought different. She was teased by everyone and also pushed around and bullied by the most gorgeous creature human race had ever seen- Edward Anthony Cullen. He had been her friend while growing up but in fourth grade he became distant and not long after his hurtful words began. But it got worse with the years. As they became teenagers it was obvious that Edward hated her. Well, everyone hated her in fact. But coming from someone who had been her only friend it hurt worse. He was six feet three, two hundred pounds of muscle, messy gold-copperish hair, greenest eyes ever, pale skin, jaw that could cut glass, straight nose that had a slightly bump after a football match and pink pouty lips. Edward was perfection and she was plain- even ugly if she was honest with herself. Long brown wavy hair, plump body, chocolate eyes, too pale to look healthy and her nose was too tiny and pointed. She thought she resembled a pig and she had been told so too… by Edward of course.

She would always wear clothes that were too big for her frame. She had learnt that from previous experience. When she was thirteen she still looked like a child. She had not had her period yet and she had a chubby face. Her hips were growing as well as her breasts and her belly wasn't flat. Charlie, her careless father, wouldn't buy her clothes as much as she needed and the ones she had been wearing were tighter than usual. She had arrived at school; face down staring at her feet and with a cereal bar wrapped in her little left hand. She hadn't had time to have breakfast that morning so she had picked up the bar to eat at least a snack before class. But she ran into Edward in her way to the classroom and he pushed her roughly against the wall with a murderous look in his eyes, while Bella's filled up with tears as her head hit the cold stone. Edward was five inches shorter than his actual height at that time but he had already played sports for a couple of years, so he was bigger and a good eight inches taller than Bella.

"Fuck you Swan! Are those tight clothes stopping your blood in its way to your brain? Or are you just plain stupid?" a crowd had already formed in the hallway and they were staring at the scared girl that looked like a fifth grader. Edward tugged her waistband, pulled her t-shirt up and then pinched her love handles." See this? It's disgusting. _You_ are disgusting. Hey guys, come closer, isn't she a fat pig?" everyone looked at the girl and burst into a fit of laughter after seeing the little bit of skin popping out of her jeans. Bella's eyes finally released her tears and Edward ran his finger through her jaw." truth hurts?"

He pushed her away and left her sobbing. Kids returned to their business and moved on. But Bella didn't. It got stuck in her memory and she bought new clothes after that. Huge clothes after that. And she was teased by that too, asked if she needed even more space to grow, more space for her fat ass.

Last week had been the worse in months. Her father was hardly ever at home, he would always stay at Sue's with her and her perfect daughter. Edward had left a few bruises on her arms and back and Tanya had made her fall with her lunch twice. Friday night had been the worst in years. Bella had had a shitty day at school- she had seen Edward kissing with Tanya, and Jessica and Lauren. He was a man whore- but she liked him. She thought she was a masochist, but she had seen him with his family and he was a different boy, hugging his twin, kissing his mother cheek, laughing with his father. And it was a true smile, not the ones she saw at school. But that didn't change that he hurt her from Monday to Friday. And to make matters worse his father was her doctor. She had done her homework and listened to music that Friday afternoon when her father arrived, but he didn't stay. He stood by the couch and said:

"Bella I'm having dinner with Sue and Leah, I'm not coming back until Sunday. They're making some veggie recipe, you should try to eat that you know? It'd be good for ya kiddo, Leah eats that stuff everyday and you've seen how good that kid looks. Don't say up late. Bye"

And she sat there, speechless. Even her father thought she was fat, he preferred Leah over her- because Leah was thin and tall with black straight hair, big hazel eyes and perfect school grades. She was the daughter he wished he had. Why would he have a framed picture of him with Sue and Leah and none with her then? She knew that he had wanted her to be with her mother, but Renée had left them when Bella was nine and she had never come back. It wasn't Bella's fault, she didn't even look like her, or him for that matter. She had gotten most of her facial features from her grandmother. She didn't have dinner that night and cried herself to sleep. Next day she decided she would diet, she would be better, she had to.

And here she was today, a week later, it was Friday again and she had been in a terrible mood all week. The lack of food and the extra hours studying and walking to the forest and back had made their toll. She was going to buy a scale. She had seen Edward's father, Carlisle, for a check-up three weeks before the incident with her father and the scale marked the hundred and thirty pounds she hated so much. She was also anxious and she had begun smoking once a day. No one cared anyway; her father was staying with Sue, again… but this time he was spending the whole week with his girlfriend, lover or whatever she should call that woman. Edward had seemed to enjoy seeing her more quiet than usual and so had his sluts. They had laughed at her in gym and shoved her against the lockers when she kicked Jessica's bag. It wasn't her intention, she was clumsy and had tripped but they didn't care. No one ever cared.

She climbed into her truck, lighted a cigarette and drove through the wet streets of Forks. It was raining, as usual, and the weather matched her demeanor. Everyone who looked at her could see that she was always withdrawn and far away from everyone. She parked, went into the store and bought the damn white box that would be her judge for the next months. The woman at the store looked at her with sad eyes, pity and Bella could get her message: "Another pathetic girl trying to change herself". She didn't care... well, she did but no one had to know that. She put her headphones on after leaving the scale on the passenger's seat and drive away from the old lady, from the pills, from the scales.

When she arrived at home she ran to her room on the second floor, with her backpack on her right shoulder and the scale under her left arm. Something really reckless for someone as clumsy as her, she could trip with her own feet. She closed her bedroom's door, left the backpack on her bed and took the scale out of its box. She placed it on the floor, next to her closet and stripped. Stood on the judging machine and after taking a shaky breath she looks down. One hundred and twenty four pounds. She had lost six pounds, but the number was still horrendous. Fuck, no more fruit for dinner. She knew her daily intake was less than half of what she would have before, but she didn't care. It was going to help her, it really was. No more pushing around, no more teasing, no more nicknames, no more "fat ass", no more…

She hid the scale and the box in her closet, between her sneakers' boxes. She closed the doors and let herself fall on the floor, hugging her knees. Everything was going to be okay, and she kept chanting her mantra until she calmed down. She put some sweatpants and a tank top on and then headed downstairs to make a cup of tea. The floor was dirty; she would have to mop it tomorrow. Hell, she had a lot of cleaning to do, Charlie did nothing at home and furniture kept getting layers of dust when she wouldn't have cleaned for a while. She drank her tea sitting on the kitchen small table while moving her legs up and down slowly. She stayed there, looking at the swaying trees and drinking her tea until there was no more liquid. She hopped down, washed the blue cup and then sighed. She did that a lot; she had to stop doing it.

That evening she did all her homework, some exercise and then showered. Brushing her wavy hair and the knots hurt but she did it anyway. She brushed her teeth, went to her room and after undressing lay on the double bed. She put her headphones on and set her iPod on shuffle. Half an hour later she fell asleep and dreamt of a happier future.

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This is my first story in English. Please leave your suggestions, I'd really appreciate you guys helping me here. By the way, Bella will be based on the way Kaya Scodelario looks in the next chapters, with brown eyes obviously. I'll try to upload some pictures on my blog. You can watch skins uk seasons 3 and four to have an idea anyway.

Have an amazing week.


	2. Chapter 2

I do not own Twilight. Story plot and descriptions are mine though.

And there's a new perspective in this chapter. Now, you'll see Bella telling you the story. For some reason this made sense and I couldn't bring myself to write this as the first chapter. From now on chapters will be like this. Hope you don't mind.

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When I woke up Saturday morning I was feeling quite dizzy. I had eaten two apples, a slice of bread and drank a cup of tea with two tablespoons of sugar the day before. And that was it. Odd enough it made me feel proud of myself and I wasn't even hungry. I was committing to something- finally. And I could do it, this time I felt like I could do what I wanted. I had failed in everything in my life, my grades weren't as good as they could be, I wasn't the daughter my father wanted me to be, I couldn't keep with me my only friend, I couldn't stop people from hating me and I couldn't stop my mother that day. She was sick, she was always sick. She drank this colorless liquid every day, I thought it was water at that time, she said she was thirsty… but it was vodka, sometimes whiskey, wine, brandy, you name it. My mother was an alcoholic, she was always drunk and obviously always sick. I would arrive from school and find her crying, with a bottle on her dry lips, make up ruined, half undressed and having done nothing at home. She would arrive from work and drank non-stop. She probably worked in order to afford buying so many bottles per week. Some days were worst than others. Those days were the ones where Charlie would yell at her, throw at her the empty or half-full bottles and she would yell back at him. When I was eight, I stood by the kitchen door and heard what would haunt me years later.

"It isn't my fault Charles, this isn't the life I wanted! Fuck, you didn't want this life either! If you hadn't left me pregnant at nineteen this wouldn't have been happening!"

"The fucking condom broke! Do you think I wanted to be a father so young? I'm a year older Renée, it's not like there's much difference you know. And you don't see me wasted everyday!"

"That's because you don't even try to be a father! Do you know how hard it is to look at your child while knowing she's the one who ruined your life? No you don't, because you don't even look at her!"

"I'm the one who pays the bills and her food. Don't lecture me. You'll regret this, I promise you"

They didn't want me. I was a mistake. Neither of them was a loving parent, but they were as nice as they could. Charlie was the one who helped me ride a bike when I was six, and my mother was the one who would take me to the doctor when I was ill. But all those little things, all parents did, weren't natural for them. They hated doing it. They hated me for ruining their life, their youth. I had ruined everything. My mother left a year later, but not before her alcoholism got worse and the memories it brought were deeply ingrained.

I looked at the clock on my nightstand and saw it was six a.m. I had slept for five hours, which was a record. Since I became a teenager sleeping turned into an impossible task. I would usually sleep a maximum of four hours. I didn't know why and I didn't want to tell Carlisle either, not that I talked much anyway. I was so used to people hurting me or ignoring me that I couldn't find talking as something useful. I mean, why would I talk when no one cared about what I had to say? And anyway, did I have something to say? Maybe I was the one pushing people away. They couldn't all be wrong. And that was why I had to be better. It was my fault, it was me the one who wasn't enough. I was unlovable because I wasn't enough- Period.

I got up, put a hoodie and washed jeans on that were so baggy they looked boyish and after some minutes taking care of my needs in the bathroom headed downstairs. I made some tea and ate half a granola bar. I wasn't hungry, but I didn't want to pass out either. I began cleaning. The house was a mess. If school homework didn't take me so much time I could clean more often. When I was finished with the first floor I went upstairs and cleaned the bathroom and my room. When I was finished it was already 11a.m. I was sweaty so I took a shower and cursed when I realized I had just cleaned the damn bathroom. After drying myself with a fluffy towel and putting some clean underwear, a black tank top and my previous outfit on , I charged my iPod and began reading my favorite book- Wuthering Heights. I didn't know why I liked it so much, but I did. It was one of the few books I could spend a good time reading. School books, homework and even movies weren't interesting- or that's what I thought since I had so much trouble paying attention to them.

Saturday was boring, it rained all day and the most eventful thing I did was cleaning. Sunday was a little bit better though. It had stopped raining while I was sleeping so I could do some exercise in the backyard and lay on the floor with my headphones on looking at the clouds. Their shapes scared me sometimes, the fangs, the eyes… but it made me feel strong. Looking at them and not running away. I could endure looking at their scary faces- as well I could endure high school. When I finally got in the house it was already dark. I didn't like being alone when it was dark, it brought horrible memories. So I would always keep myself busy. I was writing on my journal when Charlie arrived. I usually wrote on my journal once a week, I didn't talk much but I could write. Charlie looked happy- he had had a good week. Good for him.

"Hey kiddo. Watcha doin'?"

"Writing Dad. How was your week?"I looked at him trying to find something. I didn't know what. Maybe that sparkle I saw in the pictures of him and Leah, maybe a smile just for me. I got nothing.

"It was amazing. I went camping with Leah yesterday, and Sue joined us later. We had a great time, and they have fed me really well all week. I couldn't find best people to spend my time with"

There was his smile. I just gave him a weak smile of my own when I realized I had eaten nothing today. He couldn't find best people to spend his time with, I wasn't as good as they were. He left a kiss on the top of my head and went upstairs. That was new. Maybe he felt guilty or extremely happy. God, I was making my own father feel guilty, what kind of daughter was I? I wrote a last paragraph and headed to my room. I hid the journal under my bed, took a few items and went to the bathroom. The water was almost too hot, burning my pale skin. I didn't know why, but I began crying and ended up sitting on the floor hugging my knees as close to my chest as I could. I was breaking, I could feel it. No, I had to be strong, I had to win this. I punched the wall, got out of the shower, dry myself and put the clothes on. I lay in my bed all night, not being able to sleep and with my poor hand in pain. Another day of school was coming, as well as more teasing and teachers getting angry at me when I wouldn't pay attention. My life sucked.

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So, here's chapter two and sorry it's so short. Hope you liked this new way of telling you guys the story. It just feels right to do it this way from now on. I know that the chapter seems quite empty, but I had to write this. I need to explain Bella's behavior since the very beginning or otherwise you won't understand her later. I also began telling a little bit about her childhood. I'm doing research while writing, so I'm basing a lot of things on info I find. There will be an Edward POV, but I don't know when yet. You need to know about him too.

I've also tried to find a beta, one of the girls at FF is gonna help me, but since I have to study for finals and said it wouldn't take me a lot of time to update decided to do it today.

Thank you for adding my story to your favorites and for leaving me your reviews. Those things mean a lot to me. I'll try to do my very best and not let you guys down.


	3. Chapter 3

**I do not own Twilight. It's property of Stephenie Meyer. Descriptions and plot are mine though.**

So I tried to write a longer chapter and could make it! I also have to explain something since my beta pointed it out and some of you may have the same doubt. Bella isn't fat and neither Edward nor the bimbos think she is. She was a chubby girl and even after she hit puberty they sill called her nicknames. But they are the only ones who do it. The other kids tease her but with different things. What happens with the teasing about her weight is something based on personal experience as many of the things that will be happening. I dealt with an eating disorder and other things that will be also included. I'm doing research because even though I went through a lot of the things she will go through I'm not a psychiatric nor a psychologist. And because some of the things that might happen to her haven't happened to me.

Thanks to my beta **EandB** who's freaking amazing. You can find her in TWCS.

And sorry about the cursing, Bella curses a little and Edward… well he basically says the f word in every single sentence.

**Now, chappie three!**

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Monday morning finally arrived and I looked like shit. I had dark circles around my eyes and I was paler than usual. I didn't bother to brush my hair, just let it wavy but put a headband on my pocket just in case my hair went wild. I used a black eye liner on my eyes, I didn't have foundation to cover the purple circles but I had this. It'd have to work. I also owned some mascara that my mom had forgotten and I applied that too. My eyes looked huge and it scared me a little. People would notice. But I liked the way I looked. At least my eyes looked sort of decent. Charlie wasn't at home; he had already left and would be at work until late in the evening so I didn't have to worry about making breakfast or coming back from school earlier. My jeans were falling from my hips so I decided to wear a black belt that also belonged to my mother- she would use it loose around her waist though. I could picture her clearly, dancing in the living room, a bottle in her hand and the belt spinning. She would throw up after that, dancing and drinking were a deadly combination. I shook my head. It didn't matter, she was gone, she was not coming back- ever. It didn't matter. It never did.

My backpack felt heavy and carrying it to my Chevy and then to school was harder than last week. It was probably because I felt tired and because I hadn't eaten in… two days? I couldn't remember anymore. I did know it was around Saturday morning though. First period was hell, Tanya kicked my chair when I was about to sit down and I fell with a loud thud making everyone laugh. My bottom hurt by second period and people kept teasing me about my makeup. I had that class with Edward and he always sat near me. Apparently making fun of me was a lot of fun because he decided to sit at my back and spent the whole class pocking me and making a mess of my hair. It was stupid, because I liked that. He was being childish. It reminded me of our childhood together. When we were friends, when he made promises he then broke. I skipped lunch and found out that I had glue all over my hair and my eye liner was a complete disaster. Fucking perfect. Worst class was P.E anyway, my clothes bothered me while running and Lauren made me fall twice. I didn't take a shower at school but went home right ahead; I couldn't stand being at school anymore.

When I stripped in the bathroom I saw that my knees were still bleeding a little, my hands were full scratches too. What had I done to them? I didn't even speak for god's sake. Was I really that awful to be around? The only good thing I could say about Monday was that I only saw Edward in second period. I spent the whole afternoon smoking, trying to do my homework and trying to exercise a bit but I was too tired to do the third one. I made dinner and told Charlie I had already eaten, he gave me a small smile and said he would wash the dishes. I ran to my room, my breathing was heavy and my chest hurt. He smiled, my dad smiled at me. It was a polite smile, I had seen it before but it had been so long. I went for a run to the forest, I couldn't stand being so weak. I ran as fast as I could under the pouring rain and the fact that the noises around me freaked me out made me run even faster. Charlie hadn't noticed I wasn't at home because he seemed surprised to see me wet from head to toe when he entered the kitchen before going to bed. I was freezing and soaking wet, but the fact that he barely acknowledged me and my run made me feel better.

By Tuesday I was feeling sick, so I stayed at home the whole day. I only drank a few cups of tea because I was thirsty and I had a sore throat. I slept almost eighteen hours so I was sure I had fever. Charlie never came to ask how I felt. Wednesday morning; I turned on my phone, I had forgotten to charge it and had to wait until the battery was loaded. I had a text from Charlie, he was staying at Sue's until Friday. I sighed, at least he was always trying to be polite. I decided to stay home again since I wasn't feeling very well. I was tired, I had slept so much and I was still tired. I felt more miserable than usual. I felt lonely. I ran up and down the stairs until my legs were hurting and the world began to spin around. I let myself fall and got up when I was sure I wasn't going to pass out. I went upstairs and listened to music until I felt strong enough to exercise again. Then I ran up and down the stairs again. It gave me this feeling, adrenaline running through my veins, it made me feel better. I repeated this again, music and then exercise. When I finished it was already 5pm, I had spent the whole day working out and I hadn't even realized. I took a shower and then headed downstairs to eat something. I was starving. I ate a yogurt but I was still hungry so I ate another one. And then it hit me.

_You have ruined everything. You fucking bitch. You complain about being fat but you cannot have your mouth closed? You're pathetic._

Shut up. Shut up, shut up, shut up!

_You know what you have to do Bella, do you remember? _

Mom. Mom next to the toilet. She was vomiting, pushing her fingers inside. And then the rest of food and the alcohol got out.

"Mom, what are you doing?"

"It makes mom feel better Bella, it makes everything better"

Mom. I had tried to do the same a few times in the past but it scared me.

_Don't be so fucking weak! Try it._

I could feel what I had just eaten inside me. I had to take it out. And it wouldn't shut up. It would not shut up. It had been so long since I last heard it.

I went upstairs again and after putting my hair in a knot I lowered myself and did what my mom would do every time she was feeling sick after having a lot to drink. I tried a couple of times and the yogurt came out. I was coughing and I could feel the tears falling. I was weak, purging was for weak people. I brushed my teeth and washed my face. Staring at the mirror I could see what everybody else saw. A plain girl who could even be considered ugly. Scratch that, I was ugly.

When I arrived at school on Thursday people seemed to pay more attention to me. I had applied the same makeup I used on Monday and braided my hair. They gave me these weird looks and I saw Edward frown. But the hell was wrong with them, I mean I know I'm disgusting but seriously, I had just entered the freaking building for crying out loud! I was heading to my first class when someone shoved me against the wall.

"What the fuck are you doing" Edward was looking at me in a way I didn't understand. He looked pissed, but I didn't understand why. I stayed there, quiet and looking up at him. Hell, he was gorgeous and so tall. His eyes were so greenish. Stupid Bella. "Fuck! Why don't you fucking speak?"

Nothing, I said nothing. My words didn't really matter to him. If I said no he would say yes, so why bother?

"I don't know what the hell you're doing. I shouldn't even fucking care" he left huffing and punched the lockers. Someone had issues and it wasn't only me.

I didn't pay attention at all in class and I could hear people whispering. I wanted to go home, I needed to go home. I skipped lunch again but this time I wasn't so lucky. I found Tanya in the bathroom.

"Well well, look who we've got here" She was smiling at me. A devilish grin and her eyes were sending daggers on my way. She walked a step forward and I walked one back and so on until I hit the wall. Tanya was taller than me and she looked like a model. She could easily be an angel of Victoria Secret. "You know Swan, this makeup only makes you look like a slut. And those horrible clothes you wear everyday are disgusting. Do you even wash them?"

I looked up at her, I preferred looking up at Edward while he was being an ass, at least I could see my old friend's eyes once in a while. I felt the pain before I even knew what was happening. Her knee crashed on my belly and I was sobbing when she step back. She was a bitch, a dangerous one and everybody knew it. She hadn't been expelled because her father had a lot of money. _A lot_. I didn't even know what they were doing in this town.

"Don't go near Eddie again or I'll kill you, fat ass" And with that last warning she left.

When I arrived home everything hurt. P.E left me exhausted and the fact that Edward seemed to look at my direction every time I stopped running – which was more than usual- made everything worse. I couldn't stop thinking: Don't look, she's gonna make my life hell. Tanya will kill me. Don't look. After a quick step in the kitchen I took a few painkillers and then showered .When the pain killers kicked in I fell asleep dreaming of a shadow standing over me covering the light and someone calling my name.

Friday wasn't better and now I was sure Edward was pissed. But luckily he ignored me the whole day. Good, I wasn't in the mood of dealing with him. I almost passed out in P.E but I couldn't tell if someone had noticed it. Today was scale day. I was eager to go home and weight myself. I knew I had to eat something or I was going to faint soon, but feeling my stomach ache made me have a different feeling than the usual sadness to focus on. I had a shower and then in my room took the scale out of my closet. I stood on the little box until I was brave enough to look down. One hundred and nineteen pounds. I had lost another five pounds in a week. It was right, it had always been right and I had to listen to it. For the first time in years I was below the hundred and twenty! I just had to keep doing this and everything was going to be okay. It was the beginning of October, school year was just beginning. I had time and I was going to make the best of it.

I put a tank top and a pair of shorts on and once I was snuggled on my bed with my buds on I fell asleep. This time it wasn't a shadow but darkness and the voice called my name again.

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I know it seems like she's losing weight pretty fast. In my experience, it was like this. The worst part of it, it's that you lose a lot of weight really fast in the beginning and then gets harder. So you start pushing yourself but you don't realize you have lost so much weight you're body's trying to protect itself. The running up and down the stairs for hours is also something I did in the past.

The words written in italic are her ed talking. And the "it" she talks about is her ed too. I still don't know if it will be a she or a he so I decided to use "it" for now.

I think **Kfoll** is going to kill me. I promise Edward isn't being all caring all of a sudden. He just knows there's something going on with her and he is **pissed** not worried. Yet.

**Thanks for reading my story and I hope this chapter was better than the last one.**


	4. Chapter 4

**I don't own Twilight. Twilight series is property of Stephenie Meyer. Descriptions and plot are mine though. **

**Thanks to Kfoll, whose support is incredibly amazing and has also agreed to help me with my grammar. K, I'm really glad I got to meet you while going in this journey.**

**I've been through some personal issues last week and could not write until Sunday. Since they had a lot to do with my recovery I didn't want to try writing as they were going to affect whatever I wrote deeply.**

**EandB, I haven't forgotten about you!**

**Here's chapter four, the longest chapter I've written so far in this story. Hope you enjoy it.**

**xx  
**

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The second week of October wasn't any better than the first. I kept pushing myself way too far and ended up passing out at home on Monday. Charlie didn't come back home that Friday and I was beginning to think he didn't want to be around me anymore. I was so sad. I felt so depressed all the time. It was killing me. I only had one friend and that was her. That voice in my head. She was my friend, my only friend. She became louder each day, she encouraged me. She was there when I was sad; she was also there the few times I felt a tiny bit of happiness. I remember the day after I passed out for the first time. I was in P.E , running like a crazy horse scared by thunder. Coach Clapp was impressed, he said it was the first time he saw me doing so well in his class and actually doing great in general. After that I couldn't stop her.

_This is because of me, because of what we're doing Bella. Do you want them to be nice to you? Then keep getting better. Nobody likes fat stupid girls, nobody._

She was right. I forced a smile and told Coach Clapp I would try to get better at running and stop falling so much. He laughed and said I was obviously ridiculously uncoordinated but he believed I could be really good at running. I just had to get fitter. I kept my smile, though it was hard, as hard as trying to exercise all day long and finish my homework. He patted me on the back and left. I stood there, while I was glad I had just been congratulated for improving something for the first time in years, I also couldn't stop myself from thinking I wasn't fit. I knew I was fat, I was flabby. I had a belly that jiggled all the time, same happened with my thighs and my arms were disgusting. I always thought they looked like old ladies arms. And I always thought my tummy looked like that of a five month pregnant woman, without being hard at all. That day I ran for two hours in the woods. The noises had gotten worse too. The wind seemed to whisper in my ear and sometimes I could see shadows moving between the trees when I'd look to my side. It scared the shit out of me. But I couldn't run along the streets, I didn't want people to see me. I've been to the woods so many times since I was a kid that I could usually run and come back without getting lost. But the feeling that someone or something was watching me, following me, had gotten worse and worse with the years. At first I thought I saw something, now I knew I could see shadows following me everywhere I went.

By the end of that week school had become ridiculous. I heard Tanya screaming on the phone that she wasn't going to take any fucking meds. She looked so pissed and I was glad she didn't see me. But she did find me later and beat me up in the bathroom again. I went straight home. The next day I had a huge bruise on my arm with her hand print and another one on my back, where I had hit the wall. She really hated me and I was afraid of her. She was nuts, she looked so enraged I was afraid of looking at her face. I began avoiding her that day. Kids began calling me the dead freak. I didn't know why, I guess it was because I looked paler than usual and still used make up every day. I also bought my own make up, since my mother's was really old and I was afraid of getting some illness on my eyes and skin by using it. I bought some blue eye liner that I absolutely adored. It didn't look as good on my brown eyes as it would look on someone with green or blue pretty eyes, but blue was my favorite color and I liked it.

Then there was Edward. Most days he looked tired and angry. Something was bothering him, I could tell that. I had always observed him; he was my best friend once, he was my everything. My funny giraffe, my older brother, my best friend, my comfort, my safe place… he was all I had. I had been there for him after he got really sick in kindergarten and had to begin first year with me being a year older. I had been there for him when other kids made fun of him for being so tall and skinny. I had been there for him when they began calling him Edward the giraffe. I had been there for him when they said he had funny hair. I had always been there for him as he was there for me. But that was history, ancient history. It didn't matter. It didn't matter at all to him anymore. But I cared about him, I couldn't help it. I was pathetic, I was a masochist and I knew it. But deep inside, I still had hope he would come back to me one day. I saw him coming, after what I knew was sex with random girls, out of bathrooms, classrooms and whatever place he'd found a million times that week. Every day he looked worse.

By Friday Edward was arguing with his sister, who was in Senior Year. It was the first time in my life I'd seen them fighting like that. She looked worried, angry and sad. All of those three emotions showed on her beautiful face. Alice looked a lot like him but with black spiky hair and feminine features. Edward was talking through clenched teeth and his hands were clenched into fists, ready to punch something. And he did, he punched one of the lockers denting it. Edward was really strong, I knew that. But seeing him show how strong he could be made me feel weird. On the one hand it made me feel attracted to him even more. Such a display of how powerful he could be was appealing. But on the other hand it scared me, he could break me. He was strong enough to do whatever he wanted to me. His words, however, were the ones which had actually taken their toll on my life to break me. I wasn't broken yet, but I knew I wasn't far from it. I could feel it closer each day, the breaking point. Each day waking up, breathing, living, was harder than the last one.

That Friday afternoon, like the previous week, I undressed and stepped on the scale. I promised the voice in my head that I would keep doing the things she said if I had actually managed to lose some weight. When I looked down and saw one hundred and fourteen pounds. I grinned. It was a huge grin for the first time in a really long time. It was like seeing a tree beginning to blossom when you were the one who put its seed in the back yard and made the effort to take care of it every day. It didn't matter that my grades weren't that good. It didn't matter that Charlie had been at home only once. It didn't matter that I was alone. This accomplishment made me happy. Or that's what I thought I was.

If I had thought that the second week of October was weird it was because I couldn't see the future so I didn't know what the next week would bring. Tanya had lost it, like completely lost it in class. A girl named Angela, who wasn't as bitchy as the other girls, ran into Tanya while entering the classroom. Bad idea. Tanya pushed her against one of the front tables and the poor girl fell hitting her arm badly. Even me, hiding at the back, could hear the sound of her bone breaking. Angela was a shy girl who had always had trouble with her bones. We all knew we couldn't run into her or make her fall. Apparently her bones were really breakable. Mr. Molina came into the room about a minute after Angela fell and looked torn between screaming at Tanya, hugging her or being afraid. What the hell was that? She had just pushed a poor girl and he did nothing? He took Angela in his arms and took her to see the nurse but not before he told Tanya to wait for him in the head master's office. Tanya looked like those bulls you see on TV before they attack the guy that's next to them. But she also looked sorry. She'd never looked at all sorry with me. It looked like whatever she had against me was personal. But again, everyone seemed to have something personal against me, even that girl Angela. She had always looked at me from a distance and lately she had been giving me these looks. Like I was insane or something.

The next day Angela Weber was wearing a plaster covering her whole arm. It didn't surprise me, but what did surprise me was seeing Tanya telling her she was sorry and looking like she was about to cry. Angela gave her a polite smile and Tanya took something wrapped in bright pink paper from her bag. It had a purple ribbon so I guessed it was a present. Dear lord, did she really hate me that much? She had broken my arm in ninth grade and not only did she not apologize, she threatened to break my other arm if I told anyone!

I was heading to my class when I saw Edward come out of the biology classroom with a girl I had never seen before. She looked younger, but had a body I would die for. She was really skinny, like half my size. She had blonde hair and green eyes. Her waist was tiny, and her legs looked like they could reach _my_ waist on the thighs. She looked at me from head to toe and then gave me a sad smile. Like those my mother used to give to the man who lived outside the grocery store. She was feeling pity for me, like the old lady who sold me the scale. Edward put an arm around her incredibly tiny waist and barely looked at me. It hurt, it hurt so badly. It hurt even worse than when he insulted me. I locked myself in the bathroom and hit my head against the wall while crying until I was able to calm down. I arranged my makeup and then continued with my day. I didn't know why it had affected me so much, but it had. Having Edward ignoring me was unbearable; I didn't want him to ignore me. Not him.

On Thursday I saw Edward's sister, Alice, having a steamy moment of PDA with her boyfriend Jasper. He was a senior too and he had been nice when I was a kid. But then, he began ignoring me as well as Alice. I had never seen her being so… open, about her relationship with Jasper before. Yes, they did hold hands and kiss every time they saw each other. But they were the cute golden couple, hot PDA wasn't something they did, until now. I felt a little bit of envy trying to break free. I had never been kissed, and obviously never touched in that way. The only one who had touched anything under my t-shirt had been Edward when he grabbed my love handles and showed them to the rest of the students in a crowded hall. Not the kind of touch a girl would dream about. I was sick and tired of seeing Edward fuck everything that looked like it had come out of Elle magazine. I was tired of Tanya giving me the stink eye in class because I was avoiding her. I was tired of being alone. I was just plain _tired_.

Since coach Clapp found I could actually run he began paying me a lot of attention and I felt as if my body would give up any minute that Friday. Last time I'd eaten anything had been on Wednesday and it was an apple. I had eaten on Tuesday because I was starving, but ended up purging the three slices of bread with cream cheese I'd eaten. So in theory I'd only had an apple since Monday. I knew I was being reckless; they were going to find out soon. I had no idea who "they" were and actually realized no one cared about me, but if I wanted to keep doing this I would have to do more research. Yes, I had googled a lot about diets and found girls who supported this "life style" I didn't get what they meant though. I didn't suffer from an eating disorder, I was only dieting. But they sort of understood me so it was okay. It wasn't like I had to talk to them.

Following my Friday routine I stepped on the little white judging box after undressing. I repeated the same thing I had said the Friday before and looked down to find out what my judge was telling me this gloomy afternoon. One hundred and ten pounds, I wanted to cry. Tears of happiness wanted to fall freely down my cheeks. It had been so long. I couldn't even remember the last time I weighed one hundred and ten pounds. I put some sweat pants on and a black hoodie and after hiding the box ran downstairs. When I got to the first floor I felt my heartbeat in my ears, then little black dots began covering my vision. The pressure on my ears got stronger and everything went black.

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**So, what do you think? I wrote this so fast and while listening to "running up that hill" by Placebo. It just fitted my mood really, and didn't mention it before because it has nothing to do with this chapter in particular. But let me tell you this, I really think it will fit later. I have a few songs on my playlist for TFaBG. Go and find them on: **

**irideashinyvolvo dot blogspot dot com dot ar**

**I think there will be another chapter and then an EPOV. Blimey, I really need this boy to tell what's going on with him because I've been thinking about it for weeks and it's driving me nuts.**

**Thank you for reading my story. Eating disorders and depression are real and they destroy people's lives every day. If you know or think that one of your friends, a family member, girlfriend, boyfriend, etc, is going through an eating disorder help him/her. They aren't life styles, they are illnesses that kill people.**

**Thank you all for your reviews and see you on chapter five.**


	5. Chapter 5

**I don't own Twilight. Twilight series is the property of Stephenie Meyer. Descriptions and plot are mine though. **

**Sorry for the delay. Life hasn't been kind to me lately. As you know I'm still going through recovery, and a few things related to it haven't been going so well. I wasn't much at home this week and I also have to study. So between ed related problems, studying and my lack of time… hence the delay. I have no excuse anyway, really. The chapter isn't even that long. Longer than the previous ones, but still short.**

**Thanks to Kfoll, girl this would be nothing without you. Such an amazing beta and so nice!**

**Here's chappie 5 ladies.**

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I woke up with a sharp pain in my head, I still felt dizzy and I wanted to throw up. I also felt tired; all I wanted to do was sleep. It was already dark. I touched my head. Blood! I always hated blood, it made me feel sick. Now I understood why I needed to throw up so badly. I stared at my blood covered fingers and found myself fascinated. The pain in my head was distracting me from so many things, it was hard to think. I saw a shadow and screamed. Someone was at home. Charlie? God I had to stand up, I needed to stand up. He was going to ask questions; he was going to find out. I made my best effort to stand, my breathing was heavy. I was panting like a dog during the summer heat. I made my way to the kitchen and managed to throw stomach acid up all over the floor. Disgusting. I couldn't clean it now, I was going to faint soon.

The phone rang. Shit!

I was tired and I didn't know how my voice was going to sound. I picked the phone up anyway.

"Hello"

"Isabella, I'll be at hospital tonight. Leah has gotten sick and Sue has no one to support her. I'll be home tomorrow kiddo" Charlie sounded concerned. He actually sounded worried. I could feel the tears wanting to break free. It wasn't Leah's fault. But my father… could I call him a father after all?

"Okay, hope she gets better" My voice sounded horrible. I just wanted to sleep. I needed to stop feeling. My head was killing me, but my emotions were much more painful. Everything had been going so well. Why did everything in my life have to become so painful in the end?

"All right. Are you okay?"

No Charlie. Don't. Don't you dare play the caring father, not now. I can't stand it.

"Yeah" It sounded like crap even to my ears. That was a big No. No, I'm not okay. I hate this, I hate myself, I hate myself, I truly hate myself.

_I'm not fucking okay_!

_You're weak. You're so weak. And useless, you can't even diet without failing._

Not you too. You're my friend. Not you.

"Okay kid. See ya, Sue needs me" and with that, Charlie hung up.

I made my way to the second floor after taking a glass from the counter. Getting to the bathroom took almost all my energy. I needed to sleep for at least a day.

I found the pills that Charlie was given two years ago, he was suffering from anxiety after something that had happened at work. He never talked about it. It was full; the little bottle was full of pills. I read the instructions and found out that they made you sleep. Good, that's what I needed. I emptied a bunch into my hand. There were about six or eight, I didn't care. I swallowed the pills with some water and then took two painkillers too. I went to my room and fell on my bed.

I could feel the pills starting to kick in when I heard noises. Someone was in my home. Charlie was at the hospital. Dear lord, someone was going to kill me. Maybe it was a good thing after all that, someone decided to break in today. I looked to my side and in that motion I saw the shadow again. I screamed at the top of my lungs, but when I looked back there was nothing there. This time the tears broke free. This had been going on for so long, but it had also been getting worse. I had lost it. It was just my mind, my mind playing tricks with me. My eyelids felt heavy and I drifted away.

I woke up somewhere around Saturday afternoon, almost evening. I had thrown up and the disgusting liquid was next to my face. I could have died and I wouldn't have even noticed. First thing I did was take a shower. My head was cut but it wasn't deep enough to need stitches. Once I was clean I went downstairs and had something to eat. I needed to be more careful and eat something every day if I didn't want to be caught. Not that Charlie was at home much, but if I passed out at school someone would definitely notice. After drinking a glass of milk and eating half a cookie I cleaned the floor. It smelled awful. Then I changed my sheets and put the dirty ones into the washer. Someone knocked on the front door. That was new. No one came, like ever. Not even the old lady that lived across the street.

When I opened the door I almost passed out again. There, at my front door, stood Sue. Her blonde hair wasn't as shiny as it looked in my father's pictures. Her hazel eyes were really pretty and she was, in fact, a beautiful woman. But she looked older than her real age. I knew she was only thirty five.

"Hello Bella" she looked nervous. Did Charlie know she was here?

I just nodded. I eyed her carefully, I didn't trust her. This was the first time I'd actually seen the woman. What was she doing here?

"I don't know if your father has told you about me" I nodded again. I was scared. What did she want? Why was she here? "Listen Bella, your father doesn't know I'm here and I would prefer if this stays between us, okay?" I nodded. She sighed "God it's true, you don't speak."

I was about to close the door when she held it open with her hand, a pleading look in her eyes.

"I didn't mean to be rude. I just… Bella, if we haven't met it's because Charlie doesn't want us to. I don't know his reasons but he must have some to decide such a thing" she said carefully. She was being nice but I didn't trust her one bit. No one was nice to me. And why bother about the kid your boyfriend, lover or whatever Charlie was, didn't even care about?" I know you're alone most of the time. That's not good Bella. But Leah loves your father as if he were her own, and Charlie says he's happy at home…" she trailed off and sighed again. We had something in common" This is my phone number, if you need anything, just text or call. Okay?"

I took the piece of paper she handed me and nodded again. Sue smiled, though the smile didn't reach her eyes, and went to her car. I stood there, completely overwhelmed until I could actually move and get inside. I opened the folded paper and yes, there was a phone number there.

That night, Charlie came home and asked how I felt. I told him I was fine and didn't mention Sue at all. He said Leah was going to be okay; apparently she had pneumonia or something like that. He ate his dinner and didn't ask about mine, which I was glad for. That night I saved Sue's number on my phone.

Days passed, weeks passed and the end of October arrived. I didn't pass out again, because I was careful enough. I ate two hundred calories per day in order to not faint. Some days though, I couldn't resist the urge to feel my stomach empty of food. I would run as fast as I could in P.E. and coach Clap was ecstatic about it. All my clothes were too big for me to wear, but I knew buying new ones would make people suspicious. I bought some clothes I could wear under the big ones so I'd still look the same. I wanted my change to be a surprise and quite honestly, even though my clothes looked so baggy now, I couldn't see much difference when I looked at myself in the mirror. I didn't have a flat belly, my thighs were flabby and fat and my whole size was just gross.

Tanya disappeared for a week and came back looking calmer and was nicer to everyone. Even me. She seemed to be on some kind of meds or something. Tanya definitely looked high the first few days of that week and I found myself wishing I could be on whatever she was on. I had already used all of Charlie's pills, so I could sleep, when I found out this guy I knew from my childhood sold pills. I just had to get his number, which was actually the most difficult part since I didn't talk to anybody around school. However, my make up seemed to make some difference, because the Goth kids gave me Jacob Black's number during lunch. They were outcasts too, not hanging around people but not hating everyone, they didn't like me, obviously, but they didn't dislike me either. So when I approached them during lunch at the back of the school and asked them about Jacob's number they gave it to me. I wasn't making fun of them for their clothes or make up, which was a big difference for them since there were only about six of them. That was the bad thing about living in such a small town, Goths looked out of place, people were so close minded it made me want to throw up. Well I did throw up about once a week, but that was a completely different story.

I met Jacob on Saturday afternoon after calling him on Thursday. He didn't ask any questions and gave me my pills. Clonazepam and some diet pills I had no idea what was in them. I got some others to help me be more active during the day too. I gave him the money. Charlie gave me a monthly allowance that I never spent but it was coming in useful now. Jacob told me to be careful; apparently it was a dangerous mix. I nodded and left. The guy didn't seem very clever for a twenty year old, and was probably high while selling the pills to me, so I didn't pay much attention to him. That night Clonazepam became my best friend before going to bed.

Edward captured my attention for the whole month, even more than usual. He was being reckless, way more than normal even. He had been the kid that everyone knew loved to party and get high or drunk at parties, but now you could see him drunk during the day. Sometimes I could tell he had used something too. He got in a big fight after having sex with a girl that had a jealous boyfriend. Carlisle looked so sad when he left the headmaster's office that I felt sorry for him. My father never cared about anything, but I knew Carlisle. He was one of the few people I actually talked to. But he was my doctor, so I knew he had to be caring and polite with me. Edward also seemed to have some sort of internal fight going on concerning my existence, he would ignore me most of the time but he would also look at me angrily now and then. Wherever it was they sent Tanya, they had to send Edward there too. His angry looks were somehow soothing though, they reminded me That I existed, That I was alive. Someone acknowledged me. This past week being alive hadn't been that great.

Today was the last Friday of October. I hadn't seen Sue again but Charlie had spent some more time at home. He was still ignoring me most of the time, but trying to simulate some kind of parental figure. He asked me how my day had been a few times that week and he used the word "kiddo" a lot more. It wasn't as if he was suddenly a loving father, but I clung to this new show of affection as if my life depended on it. That seemed to be more and more of the case lately. I was hearing things more than usual and I could tell I was being paranoid in a lot of situations. The pills I was taking, even though I was controlling the doses because I didn't have money to buy them often, affected my daily life. I was hyper at home during the day and fell unconscious on my bed at night.

After taking a much needed shower I undressed quickly because I was supposed to go to the grocery store today. I stood on the scale shivering and then looked down. One hundred and four pounds. I was so close, I only had to lose another five pounds and that was it. I had set my goal below 100lbs because, from what I had seen around the web and around school, that seemed to be the rule. No one noticed my lack of eating during lunch or my baggy clothes, so I knew, for a fact, I wasn't skinny enough to be considered pretty by the social standard. I put my clothes on again and hid the scale. I didn't want to look at myself in the mirror while I was brushing and braiding my hair. Not only did I find more and more gross facts about my body, I had also realised that my face wasn't beautiful at all. It seemed like the more I looked, the more flaws appeared in front of my boring, brown eyes. I lit a cigarette and went downstairs. I took one of those teeny, tiny pills that gave me the energy that I needed and left the house.

What I didn't know was that a simple visit to the grocery store was going to be far more than I expected.

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**Okay, that was number five, what do you think? **

**Let me clear some things before I move on to write chappie six.**

**Never take pills without prescription. Clonazepam can be dangerous when taking as you please, been there done that... it doesn't end well.**

**Charlie isn't being a loving parent. Yes, he gives money to Bella every month but that's because it's easier, leaving money and not making contact. He's trying now only because Sue obviously told him so. I hate Charlie too, don't worry. And there's more of Sue coming.**

**Edward... oh boy, you need your own chapter.**

**Thanks, all of you, I suck at replying but your reviews mean a lot to me.**

**See you in chapter six.**


	6. Chapter 6

**I don't own twilight, it's property of Stephenie Meyer. Most of descriptions and the plot are mine though.**

**Sorry for the delay but promise this is a longer chapter. I think it's gonna take me two weeks from now on. I really have to sit and study and I've been having problems with my internet connection. If everything goes well it might be fixed tomorrow.**

**Kfoll, thank you so much for your support, this story would be nothing without your help. And hope everything goes well with this new chapter in your life.**

**Enjoy chapter six ladies. The much promised EPOV is here!**

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**Edward's Point of View**

My life and even my whole being were things that I knew people couldn't understand.

When I was a little kid I got some weird virus and had to spend months in bed. My immune system was a mess so I couldn't go outside to play. My parents were scared because they couldn't discover what was wrong with me. I had to begin first grade a year later because of my illness, consequently I was taller than the other kids and really skinny. They would make fun of me. It didn't hurt. I just hated them; I wanted to be one of them. No, actually I didn't want to be one of them I wanted to be _better _than them. I wanted to be part of the crowd and then to be its leader. Like Mike Newton was at that time. I needed that, to get them to admire me as they had my cousin Emmett. The only friend I had was Bells. I'd known her since she was three and she was an adorable child. I really liked her. She was so quiet, she only talked to me and at school she was always pretty much silent. Bells only looked happy when she was with me; she would tell me things that scared me. She would tell me about the things she knew lived in her bedroom, how clouds scared her and about how lonely she felt.

I promised Bells I would be there for her forever; I was never leaving her side. She smiled a bright smile at me and hugged me that day.

Not long after that I got a nickname at school. I was Edward the giraffe. I wanted to kill them for that, watch them suffer. That nickname did hurt, it made me hate them even more. Because I couldn't be around them as an equal, that meant I couldn't be better than them either. I cried over that stupid thing and I let Bells know how much that shit was affecting me. She said she liked giraffes, they were pretty. She said I was pretty! I didn't like being called pretty, that was for girls, but I understood what she meant. Bells also said I was funny and that I was the only one that could make her smile. I was her funny giraffe. When I told my mother she kissed my head and told me I should never leave that girl. Two weeks later I was giving Bells a stuffed giraffe for her birthday. She called the giraffe Eddie.

By fourth grade I got the chance I had always wanted. I had gained a little bit of weight and began playing sports, so I didn't look so lanky. I had also gotten in a fight with Mike Newton, after he made fun of my height and hair and I'd won. For some reason boys respected me after that episode. They said I could be their friend if I dumped Bells. Nobody liked Bells at school; she was the weird kid. This was my chance to get Bells and I the place we deserved at school. I told the boys I would stop hanging out with her and also stop talking to her. We bumped fists and I began ignoring Bells. I would talk to her during the weekend; explain to her what was going on. I would keep our friendship a secret until they liked me enough to like Bells too. I couldn't talk to her that weekend though; my parents decided to go to Seattle and have some bonding time. I spent another week ignoring her and having fun with my new friends. I knew they weren't my friends, Bells was my friend. But they were fun. However, Bells ignored me right back and I wasn't expecting that to happen. It was as if she was waiting for this, she was expecting me to leave her. Bells really did believe I was as mean as the other kids. She wasn't my friend; she didn't even try to talk to me. She wouldn't even look at me. I began paying attention to her and realized she wasn't paying attention to me anymore. I _hated _her. I had no friends, not a single one. I was going to be on my own and get the best I could have from everything and everyone.

Bells began putting on weight, she was a little bit chubby before but now she was becoming fat and her clothes began getting tighter. She didn't change her clothes for fifth grade and everyone talked about her immediately. She was the outcast of the school and she had earned that all by herself. Her mother had disappeared in fourth grade and rumours were spreading too. They said Renée hated her life, that she was cheating on the chief and that she hated Bella and was ashamed of her. Yes she was Bella for me now, I wasn't using the nickname I had given her anymore. I had called her Bells because her voice was as pretty as the sound of bells. I was a stupid kid then. I wasn't stupid anymore. I wasn't going to be an idiot ever again, I had learnt my lesson.

I was fourteen when I snapped. I heard my father tell my mother that Renée was asking for money again. My mother told him not to give her any this time. Then my Father said:

"Esme, love. She said she was going to sue me last time. That I was her doctor and I couldn't see how damaged her liver was. She needs a transplant now. What do you want me to do? If they find out she was my patient back then, that I could have prevented this… Oh God Esme, what do you want me to do?"

"Carlisle…"

"Renée says Bella knows about this honey. I know she's still a kid, but Renée also says she is going to help her. If Bella tells Charlie and Renée manages to have him testify…"

A bitch, Bella was a bitch. She wasn't a kid. She was thirteen for fucks sake and she wanted to ruin my family. I hated her. I hated her so much. It made me feel sick. I had been building this hate for her through the last few years and it was finally solidifying. When I saw Bella the next day at school I made sure she was humiliated in front of the other students. I told her she was disgusting. I wasn't just talking about her body, even if it really disgusted me, I was talking about her - all of her. Bella disgusted me, everything about her did. From her appearance to what she had become. When I saw her cry I felt pleasure. This was just a little bit of what to expect if she talked to her father. Seeing Bella so small compared to me, so weak, so pathetic, only made me hate her even more. She would never defend herself, she would let everybody tease her and do nothing. Bella was a fucking masochist or had some sort of martyr complex. I was glad she wasn't my friend anymore. That night, however, I had a nightmare. Bella looked older in my dream, she was bleeding and I knew it was my fault. I woke up scared, crying. The thought of her dying had left a bad pain in my chest making it difficult to breathe. It was just a dream, I was being stupid, I was an idiot. I didn't have to bother about a dream. Dreams weren't real. Next morning I saw her alive at school, annoying the shit out of me and I felt stupid. I realized my mind had been playing tricks with me the night before. I should have been glad that she was disappearing from my life in my nightmare. However, I couldn't feel that. Every time I looked in her eyes I couldn't stop myself from seeing the little girl that had been my friend. It was torture. I hated her even more because of that. I didn't want to think about her, I didn't want to hate her. I wanted her to go away and leave me the hell alone.

When I hit sixteen there was nothing left of the lanky boy in me. I looked older than my real age and I had filled out. Girls were head over heels for me and I loved it. Having girls offer themselves to me was fun. I didn't date any of them, they weren't worth it. Even the girls from senior year would try to have a one night stand with me and I would gladly give the gorgeous ones some pleasure in return for the pleasure they gave me. I had lost my virginity when I was about to turn sixteen with one of my school mates. Tanya. She was a virgin too but I didn't know that. If I had known she was a virgin I wouldn't have had my first time with her. I didn't want it to be special, meaningful or whatever they thought sex was. Sex was just sex, I wasn't making love. I was gentle though. I knew that a girl's first time hurt like a mother fucker, I could be an ass at school but I wasn't that heartless. I told Tanya that it had been a one night stand though; I wasn't her boyfriend or even her lover. She cried and threw her shoes at me while screaming I was a selfish bastard. Bitch!. I later found out that Tanya was crazy, like literally crazy. But she fucked well. It was just like the song; every time Crazy Bitch came on my iPod I couldn't stop myself from singing along and laughing. The lyrics fit her perfectly. I also began drinking more. The sex was good but it only happened during weekends. I didn't have friends; they were just people with whom I had fun.

My sister, the only one that could sort of get me, was dating Jasper. She was spending little time at home. I missed my sister. Alice was my twin, we had shared everything together but we had become distant over the years. It felt as if I had gone back to the time I was friends with Bella and that she was more of a sister to me than my own twin. I felt lonely and alcohol became my refuge.

That year, after being rushed to hospital because of the amount of alcohol I had drunk at a party, Carlisle talked to me. I was showing signs of alcoholism and he wanted me to stop drinking and see a shrink. My father looked so sad about it, like it was something he had dealt with before, but I didn't know how because there weren't any alcoholics in our family. I didn't believe I had a drinking problem; it was just a distraction, so I told my dad I was going to stop drinking but wasn't going to see any stupid psychologist. It turned out I did have a drinking problem and by the end of that week I had become angry and violent. I also felt like shit. However to me it was just a little addiction and I knew I was going to get it under control and before long I was going to be drinking again in a "healthy" way.

Quitting drinking for a period of time was the hardest thing I had to do and I found, in Bella, the way I could relieve the tension my abstinence was giving me. I blamed her. It wasn't rational and even I could tell that. But I had this theory in my head. She had left me to become who I was, she didn't care! If she had cared, everything would have been different. I would have a friend. I would still be part of the group. I wouldn't have had the need to drink to numb myself. It all made perfect sense in my mind. So I was more of an asshole than ever. I would never hit her as I knew Tanya did. I hated her, but I knew I could really hurt her if I did that. Bella wasn't fat anymore, she was curvier than most girls at school, but she was definitely small compared to me. She was short too. So if I tried to push her with all my strength I knew she was going to hit the floor hard. Even if I thought she wasn't fat I kept telling her she was. It was the only way I could hurt her, by teasing her or pushing her lightly.

As I didn't want to see a shrink and quitting my drinking habit was harder than I had thought, I found relief in drugs. I was careful this time though; I didn't want to have anymore addictions. I took a few bottles of pills from the hospital, after stealing the key from one of the young nurses that had let me have my way with her. I had googled which drugs helped people who were trying to quit their drinking habit but, I wasn't stupid. If I only took those drugs my dad was going to know it was me, so I took some that could be used as real drugs for addicts. I hid them in my room and was lucky enough to get the hospital to believe it had been the nurse I had slept with, she turned out to have a little addiction herself. The pills helped me and by my seventeenth birthday I was, according to my dad, clean. I had to be good for a while so I could have a life again. It sucked big time, it was boring as hell. But I became closer to my family again. We would go out during the weekends and I was kind of happy about that.

My mother wasn't the same woman since she had miscarried when Alice and I were fourteen. She wasn't young enough to be a mother again and before the third month she had lost the baby. It affected her more than I had thought and I could see that now. She was genuinely smiling now; she had been faking it before. Esme was a great woman and mother; she had not only raised her own twins but also her nephew. She had a big heart but that also meant she needed to share her love as much as she could. So mum became a volunteer at the hospital. She spent her days making the little kids, who were in-patients, happy. This also made my mother happy, but meant that my parents would spend most of their time at the hospital.

The summer of my eighteenth birthday I was allowed to go Los Angeles. My cousin Demetri lived there. He was two years older than me and I hadn't seen him in years. Convincing my parents wasn't easy, especially since I was going to spend my birthday away from home. When they decided to let me go I called my cousin and told him I was flying in that Friday. My stay in L.A. was just awesome! Demetri was a party guy; if you wanted to have fun he was the guy to be around. We were out all day, we were drunk all day too and he also introduced me to more drugs. I knew I was being reckless and I was making the same mistake again. But for the first time in years I felt alive. The adrenaline the drugs gave me, the way the sex felt while being high as a kite… I needed that extreme to feel alive. When I was sober, when I was clean, when I was back in Forks I felt like shit. Being high was better than being numb; being high was what I needed. I wasn't answering my calls, so by July my parents came to L.A. They found Demetri and I a complete mess. They called uncle Aro and told him about my cousin's habits. When Aro arrived he decided to take Demetri with him and my parents took me home. I was mad at myself, because I had disappointed them again. But at the same time I couldn't bring myself to fully regret this. That month away with my cousin was worth it. I had felt alive when I was under the influence of drugs, and they were much better than alcohol. I was going to be careful in Forks though. I knew I didn't want to be an addict, having to quit an addiction sucked and I knew it first hand. I told my parents I was deeply sorry and that I had just relapsed with the alcohol thing but that I hadn't used drugs. My dad had a hard time trying to decide whether he believed me or not, but after a few weeks passed, and I wasn't going nuts for the lack of drug use, it was obvious that he believed me. What a great doctor my father was! My mother decided to stay at home until they were a hundred percent sure I was okay though, at least one of them was thinking.

September began and I decided I was going to try to be better this year, I had two years and I was out of school. My sister was a senior and I knew I should have been one too, but trying to be a great student all of a sudden wasn't me. I was smart, but not the smartest boy. I had decent grades that could take me to college but I wasn't graduating with honors next year, that was for sure. Decent grades were enough for me. My resolution dissolved by the end of September though. Something was going on with Bella. She looked different. She began using make up and running in P.E, which was extremely unusual for her. She became paler each day and looked sick. I didn't know what was going on with her but it bothered me. I knew her, I had been the only one who had really observed her all these years and I had been her best friend in the past. I didn't know _what _was going on, but I did know _something _was happening and she wasn't fighting it. I was bored during one of the classes we had together and covered her hair with glue. It was so childish I wanted to hit my head against the wall, but I didn't feel like messing with her in my usual way when she looked this bad. However, when Bella disappeared for two days and arrived back at school looking as if she had just gotten up from a grave I snapped. I shoved her against the wall when no one was looking and confronted her.

"What the fuck are you doing?" I asked her. I was mad, she looked even worse close up and I could tell she was even paler than before. The shadows under eyes, what she was hiding behind them made me feel something I didn't understand. I didn't like it! Whatever it was, I didn't like it at all! She wasn't speaking; she was just staring at me

"Fuck! Why don't you fucking speak?"

I got nothing, Bella stood there frozen looking up at me and I felt angry and frustrated. Stupid bitch!

"I don't know what the hell you're doing. I shouldn't even fucking care" I almost screamed at her and left because I was going to hit her if she kept being that stupid. I punched alocker instead, I was so pissed that it didn't even hurt.

I was being irrational, but seeing her looking like shit gave me this weird feeling in my chest. It reminded me of the dream I'd never forgotten. I shouldn't care about her. I didn't want to care, I hated her. I couldn't stop myself from watching her that day though and that bothered me. I tried to ignore her on Friday because I knew I wouldn't be responsible for my actions if I spoke to her again. During P.E. I could tell she wasn't feeling well, was she really sick? I didn't want to ask my father and I didn't want to care. I needed a distraction.

By October my life was a mess once again. I had trouble sleeping because I'd been having nightmares. I couldn't remember them when I woke up but going back to sleep was hard. I had to buy some drugs from Jacob Black in order to stay calm and all hell broke loosewhen Alice found the pills in my car. We argued like we had never done before. We were at school and she was so angry and so sad. She had this look, the one my parents had given me when they ca me to Los Angeles. I couldn't stand it! I told her it was my life and that those pills were just to help me sleep. I asked her if she didn't see that I looked tired. I wasn't playing fair but I didn't care. Alice left me alone then, she would't talk to me at all now. I needed _more _distractions. So I began having sex with as many girls as I could. They were so eager it was laughable.

Everyone at school was talking about Bella and rumours were spreading again. Some people said she was on drugs, others said she had finally lost it, but most of them just called her the dead freak. Bella did look as if she was a zombie who had come out of a bad TV show, but it wasn't funny to me. It just gave me that stupid feeling that didn't want to leave my fucking chest. I didn't want to look at her eyes anymore; I could see her in them. I could really see her, everything she didn't say. So when I came out of a classroom with the girl of the day I just put my arm around her waist and gave Bella a side look, telling myself that she was the freak that everyone said. I needed to keep the hate in my mind to kill the other unnamed feeling. I gulped when I saw her. Even if I tried to ignore her, the damage was done. Whatever it was that was hurting her, was doing a great job. Maybe I had gone nuts myself, maybe not, but Bella's face looked thinner.

As the days passed and life remained shit I returned to alcohol. My mother was miserable because she was only spending a couple of hours with the kids at the hospital while I was at school. My father got busier at work, covering when one of his fellow Doctors moved to Arizona. My sister was getting some action with Jasper and it actually frightened me that she could get knocked up any minute and school wasn't any better. I had made the huge mistake of having sex with Tanya again, even though I knew she wasn't stable anymore. So when her father called me to ask me about Tanya's behaviour I freaked out. She had been even crazier lately. I didn't know what her little problem was, but I could tell the bitch had lost her mind. She was committed to some fancy place and the tiger returned as a little kitten. The boys were busy with sports, I wasn't able to play anymore when the school found out about my addictions, but I was able to practice. I also made another huge mistake. I had sex with Mallory who was Tyler's girlfriend. Tyler was a jealous boyfriend apparently because he tried to beat the living shit out of me. Dad had to go to school and I was given another 'I am so fucking disappointed' look when he left the headmaster's office. I knew I had to stop behaving like this, but I felt empty. Nothing mattered to me anymore. My parents had each other and my sister had Jasper. I had nothing.

It was the last Friday of October. We were waiting for dad so we could have dinner. Alice was upstairs sharing and reblogging pictures on tumblr, she had become addicted to that site. My mum was in the kitchen finishing supper and I was in the living room watching TV, when I heard my dad come inside the house. I rubbed my eyes and stood up to go and help my Mom. I was being a good boy at home and they seemed pleased, which was amazing as it meant that my father wasn't lecturing me or asking me to see a psychologist anymore to find the source of my behaviour. I was about to go into the kitchen when I heard my father's voice.

"I'm worried"

"About what honey? Did something happen at work?"

"No, well it is related to one of my patients. I saw Bella in the grocery store about half an hour ago. Something's wrong with her Esme. She looks so sick. She didn't look like this the last time she came in for a checkup"

"I've heard things, some of the ladies at the hospital say she doesn't look so good. Did you say anything to her? She's a nice kid Carlisle. It worries me too"

"I talked to her, yes. She said she had a cold and had trouble sleeping because of it. I don't believe her. She's a terrible liar, but what can I do? She has the Chief, I cannot make her come to the hospital, I would if I could"

"Come here honey, everything's going to be okay. I wish she and Edward were friends. They were so good for each other. Since they stopped being friends everything has gone downhill for them"

"I know baby, I know. She promised she was going to make an appointment, she was scared, she's hiding something…"

I couldn't stand it anymore. I went into the kitchen and told them I was going for a short walk before dinner because I was feeling anxious. My parents smiled at me and told methey would wait for me so we could have dinner together. I didn't buy their smiles; dad looked worried and so did mum. I needed answers and I needed them now!

x

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**So, what do you guys think? I know this isn't probably what you were waiting for, but this is Edward. It worries me that it might be a cliché, but Edward personality was like this in my head since the very beginning. Please keep in mind he's a teenager and some decisions were made when he was just a kid. Edward seems to have it all but he has nothing. Both Edward and Bella have empty spaces in their lives, in different ways and with different feelings, they both have an empty space that's destroying them.**

**Thank you for taking the time to read and also leaving reviews. ****I appreciate them all.**

**See you in chapter seven back to BPOV.**


	7. Chapter 7

**I don't own Twilight, it's the property of Stephenie Meyer. Most of the descriptions and plot are mine though.**

**Sorry the chapter is so short but again, another bad week and a lot of study and things. I've been sort of depressed, avoiding talking in therapy, restricting… just not good. **

**Good thing is I wrote the most important moment of this story while being depressed and I just needed to be like that to write it properly. I also found the perfect song, and I have next chapter on my head. I'll try to update next week, cross your fingers and if you're religious pray that I will stop wanting to relapse so badly.**

**Thanks to Kfoll, you are so awesome girl and I can't wait for the big moment to arrive. **

**Here goes chappie seven.**

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There was something about seeing Doctor Cullen at the store that put me into panic mode. His questions, the way his eyes narrowed and searched mine for unspoken truths. Everything about him during those few minutes made my heart beat so fast I thought I was having a stroke. This was the first time I had to lie, and lie well. I said the first thing that came into my mind and prayed that he'd believe it. I stuttered but covered it with a cough to make my lie believable. I said I was really tired because of the cold and then I smiled. The smile was so forced. I couldn't understand how I managed to make him believe all my lies. I was becoming good at faking it. This encounter however made everything worse for me. I knew I looked paler than ever, that I also looked kind of sick but I also knew _why_, and she, my new friend, agreed with me.

_Cut a little of her food intake and the fat girl looks sick. It's disgusting! Do you really need so many calories fat ass?_

She was so right, so damn right. It was getting increasingly harder trying to figure out when it was her speaking, or when it was my own voice. The line between her and I was so blurred right now; I didn't know where I ended and where she began. In some ways though it didn't matter anymore since we both thought the same things, in fact, I was glad I wasn't feeling like a sicko anymore. And when the words "I'll make an appointment soon" left my mouth so smoothly I knew she was helping me without messing with my head. This epiphany, of being in union with my mental friend, gave me the strength to buy tons of food for Charlie and plan out all the meals I could prepare. I was going to eat as little as I could from now on, only enough to not pass out in front of people.

I knew I had to call Jacob Black and ask for more diet pills, I couldn't take the risk of buying them at the pharmacy. The cashier at the grocery store gave me an odd look and rolled her eyes when I was trying to grab all the stuff I had just bought. Stupid girl, I hoped she swallowed her gum and choked to death.

When I finally made it home I was tired, not sleepy, just tired. The bags weighed too much, or I was just too weak. I decided the second was actually the right answer. After putting everything away properly, I began making dinner and when the lasagna was in the oven I went to my room and exercised. I thought I heard someone knocking at the door but after all the things I had been hearing and seeing lately I wasn't sure. When I heard it again, I washed my face and, after taking some calming breaths in case it was Sue again or worse Doctor Cullen, I went downstairs. When I reached the first floor the door opened and Charlie came inside. So it was just Dad, why the heck had he been knocking on the door then?

"Oh hey kiddo. Is it lasagna I'm smelling?" he said. The man just cared about his food.

_Like you don't think about food all the time!_

This made me laugh a little and Charlie gave me a weird look. But it was hilarious in my head. While I thought about nothing but food and how to avoid it, my father was a great eater and probably spent the same amount of time thinking about dinner. Charlie could eat almost everything that was put in front of him and never put on any weight. Sure he wasn't so fit anymore, but he was still sort of young though. Maybe in ten years I wasn't going to be able to say the same.

"Yeah" I turned around and left a stunned Charlie in the hall.

While Charlie was getting comfortable, taking off his gun somewhere, I turned the oven off and took the lasagna out. I served Charlie a good portion and, after calling him for dinner, I threw a little of the lasagna in the sink and let the water run while putting a plate in the sink too. When Charlie entered the kitchen he had a smile on his face. The kind of smile lasagna always gave him.

"You've already eaten" He said matter of factly, no emotion whatsoever. He was too busy eating now.

"I was hungry" I lied. Lying to Charlie was easier than lying to Doctor Cullen. Charlie just nodded and kept eating.

"I'll clean this later, go and read or whatever you like to do on a Friday night " He said, waving his hand in the air with his fork still in it.

"Alright" I began walking my way out when I heard his voice again.

"Oh and Bella, thank you, this tastes incredible kiddo" He was still looking at his food and I knew he was trying to be nice. Whatever Sue had said to him had stuck.

After washing my body again, it was sticky after all the exercise from before, I went to my room and counted my money. I could buy six more bottles of diet pills, if I didn't buy the other ones. I knew I needed energy and I also needed those magic pills that made me sleep but the dieting pills were, by far, what I needed the most. I was nervous; I felt anxiety run through my veins and a cold sweat spread all over my body. I hated this. I hated having to give something up in order to get what I wanted. I was tired of it. The only thing I wanted to lose was weight. Ironic.

I grabbed my money just in case, my cigarettes, my lighter and a jacket. After putting them in my pocket, I grabbed my phone. I went out. Luckily enough my father didn't see me. I lit a cigarette and, covered by the darkness in the woods, I called Black. He sounded weird on the phone, probably going through withdrawal. When I told him I wanted to buy six more bottles of the diet pills and asked if I could pay for the sleeping pills later, he went into hysterics. Black told me to meet him in half an hour close to La Push and said that he was going to give me the sleeping pills for free because I was being a good client. Drug addicts could be dangerous but they also could be your best friend. They were good for business when they needed drugs and you had the money to pay for them.

The sound of a car startled me and I noticed Charlie leaving. So that's why he was so interested in me going to do 'whatever I did on Friday night'. He was probably going to Sue's. Oh shit, Sue lived close to La Push, I was screwed. I needed to think and I needed to do it quickly. Everybody knew the awful truck I drove and it wouldn't be wise for me to drive to La Push but at the same time it was way too far to walk there. Bicycle! Charlie had a bicycle. I knew he didn't use it anymore but I also knew he kept it as good and shiny as he could because it was a gift from my deceased grandfather.

While I was getting the bicycle I received a text from Black with directions to our meeting place. The bike was too big for my height so I had to ride all the way standing up. I had to stop a few times and when I finally arrived my heart was beating too fast and I couldn't breathe. It was a party and everyone seemed to be high or drunk. I didn't know these people and I was glad when Jacob came to me holding a bag.

Salvation!

"I've added an extra bottle of dieting pills because the guy who give me that stuff got more than he expected and these others are not the Clonazepam I gave you before, they are different and are gonna knock you out at night." Jacob was counting the money. I had actually given him thirty bucks more than he had asked for on the phone.

"Such a nice girl to do business with" he murmured while putting the money in the pocket of his jeans. "You came here riding that thing?"

"Yeah" It was a strange that I could talk to Jacob, who I barely knew, to my dad, when I didn't have a real relationship with him, to Doctor Cullen, who I didn't have a relationship with either, but not to the people I saw every day or who were my best friends… _best friend _actually.

"I'll take you to Forks and then I'll come back here" He said. I looked at him suspiciously. I could be dumb sometimes but I wasn't that stupid. Jacob chuckled "Look, I need you and you need me. You get pills and I get money to fund my lifestyle. Fucking you or killing you would spoil that Isabella" Now I felt stupid, that made sense. I nodded.

"I'll be right back, let me talk to someone before we go" He turned and walked off.

Jacob made his way through the people that were dancing to some electronic tune and I saw him talking to a tall boy with … oh my god. It couldn't be, could it? I knew that hair, Edward's hair color was way too particular for me to forget. I could see the boy's profile and yes it was him. What was Edward doing here? Another boy, or I should say man, approached them after Jacob called him over and gave something to Edward, who then gave money to Jacob. I knew what dollars looked like even with poor lighting, I just knew too that Edward was buying drugs. Knowing that he was on drugs through what I'd noticed at school was completely different to seeing him actually buy drugs. Edward and the man left. I saw that Edward had a glass in his hand, I really hoped that he would not use and drink at the same time. It was silly of me to get worried since he seemed to dislike me so much but I couldn't help it.

"Ready?" Jacob was by my side and he looked calmer. While I was busy staring at Edward, Jacob had taken something, I was too tired to ride the bike back home so I just nodded and sighed. Jacob took my bike and he guided me to a Ford truck. I didn't know a thing about cars but it didn't look that old. After hopping inside the truck, Jacob turned the ignition and we were heading to Forks.

My mind was a mess. This was just not like me, this wasn't me. But if I thought about it, I didn't know who I was anymore. Did I even know who I was after all? Maybe I was actually finding myself in the process of losing weight. Maybe my old self was covered in fat. Music began filling the truck and I found myself both relaxing and feeling depressed. I let myself fall into my seat while closing my eyes.

"You like this don't ya?" Jacob was looking at me. I nodded and then closed my eyes again, I knew this song but it was a different version. This one was even more depressing if possible.

"I know this song" I said. I wasn't really used to hearing my own voice without any hidden intention or precaution anymore and it was awkward. I sounded different.

"It's a different version, this one's by Civil Twilight. Nirvana are awesome ya know, but there's something about this one that makes me like it more like you're going through nirvana" Jacob sounded so calm and I didn't get the last part of what he said. Weren't drugs supposed to make you go all hyper though?

"You're too calm after using" I blurted out without opening my eyes and he laughed.

"Because I took something to calm me down, I had to get you home safe kid. I'll be having a great time when I go back there, flying high, high as a kite all over the sky" He was still chuckling. Addicts were weirder than me and that was saying a lot.

The song was so depressing, it reminded me of Edward. I couldn't let the boy go, even when he had changed so much, even when he had hurt me and even after he became a man, a broken and gorgeous young man.

_And I swear that I don't have a gun, no I don't have a gun… _

Now it was my turn to chuckle.

"No I don't, Charlie has a gun not me" I didn't know what was wrong with me, the sudden joy turned to despair. Maybe I should have a gun, maybe I should end things. No; not without losing weight first. Actually no, not at all. I wasn't going to let my horrible self die so easily, not without fighting first. I was doing this for a reason; I had to keep that in mind.

"You sure you don't take drugs Isabella?" I looked at Jacob and he looked suspicious. Guess my mood swings gave him the wrong idea.

"I don't" The force on my voice surprised me and him too. Jacob just nodded looking amused and twenty minutes or so later we were at my house. The good thing about being the Chief's daughter was that everyone knew my home address by heart.

"Thanks" I said before opening the door and going to get my dad's bike. Jacob had already taken it out when I reached the back of the truck.

"Any time kid, careful with those pills, it's not my business but be careful. Oh and don't say a word to the chief or things will get ugly" Jacob was warning me, at the same time he was giving me advice. I only cared about the warning.

"I won't" He squeezed my shoulder and when I was out of the road, he left quite fast for someone who was under the influence. I cleaned the bike and left it in the same spot that I had found it. I hoped Charlie wouldn't find out that I had used it.

Once in my room, I hid the pills next to the other ones. I took three diet pills and one of the new sleeping ones. I had to be under the hundred pounds before Christmas and I was going to make it.

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**Guess who was knocking the door! Yeah you're right it was Edward but he chickened out after seeing the chief coming. You got to read a lot of dialogue here, Bella can talk! And she is different, yes. She's gonna be changing from now on. You won't know, or maybe yes, when it's her and her ED talking. Add lack of food and her brain won't work properly. Oh and Ed buying drugs… bad boy.**

**I know many of you hate him deeply, but give him a chance please. There's more behind Edward. I'm not just going to give it all to you in one EPOV!**

**Thank you for your reviews and see ya, if we're lucky, next week with chapter 8.**

**And my apologies to Kfoll, this chapter had so many mistakes! :-( I'll try to improve!**


	8. Chapter 8

**I don't own Twilight, it's property of Stephenie Meyer. Most descriptions and plot are mine though.**

I respect your opinions, seriously, everything you think. But please say them with respect. Some guest left something quite harsh and I was really taken aback.

I'm writing this story for a few reasons one of them looking beyond people's masks and as I told you I let you guys know a little about Edward in his POV but not everything. When I say he's hurting too I'm not lying so please have a little faith on me, I feel like I'm failing here.

**Kfoll**, thank you for everything you've done and do for this story girlie, I haven't sent you this so you can enjoy the amazing moment you're going through which means this chapter **ISN'T CORRECTED**, forgive me guys but she deserves to enjoy her moment. Now please readers scream with me: CONGRATULATIONS KFOLL! I'm so happy for my beta :)

So now with you… Chappie 8!

**( ! ) Warning: This chapter contains self harm. **

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**~ Hurt**

_I hurt myself today, to see if I still feel_

_I focus on the pain, the only thing that's real_

_.  
_

I woke up Saturday morning feeling sick. My stomach hurled and I let half of me body hung out of bed in case I needed to throw up. Bile came to my throat and I ended up vomiting over the floor. Maybe the sleeping pills were a little strong after all. I sat on bed, gripping the sheets and finally the headboard when I felt like I was about to pass out. Great, I was awake for two minutes and I was already screwing things. Once I wasn't so dizzy anymore I got up and went to the bathroom. I undressed and step under the hot water. I let my hands touch my body and I was disgusted with all the fat on my stomach and thighs. I punched my stomach once, twice, three times… I punched it until it hurt enough as to remind myself of why I was skipping meals. I hadn't realized I was sobbing until I almost choke with my own saliva. Why couldn't I be enough? I was never enough. I despised myself.

_You'll never be enough if you keep avoiding exercising._

But I do, I exercise, don't I?

_If that's what you call exercising, I call it carrying fat around_

Shut up, you were nice, we have agreed. Why do say this? We are one, we are one now. She didn't reply because her was actually me, my coherence. She was the part of myself that wanted the best for me and I was shutting her up. The sobbing had become uncontrollable by now and the pain didn't go away. Go away, this hurts.

_Go away!_

I stepped out of the shower and saw the razor. Just a little bit, a tiny bit. A distraction, like stomach pain, it made the other pain go away. I took the razor and after closing my eyes cut my left wrist. It wasn't too deep but the pain was welcomed. I felt adrenaline run through my veins, the sharp pulsating pain on my wrist making the other pain go away. I calmed down… I breathed. Breathe in, breathe out. The sobs were subsiding, the pressure on my chest relieving. Breathe in, breathe out…

_Stop crying, crying is for weak people, stop crying. Crying and vomiting are failures._

I dried myself with a fluffy towel avoiding looking at the mirror. I didn't want to see myself and I didn't want the pain to come back. My wrist hurt so much and blood kept dripping. I grabbed toilette paper and press my wound without looking at it, just like I did with the mirror. I didn't want to think about it. It was just a small wound, a small cut and it made the pain go away. I put a plaster over the wound and went to my room to put some clothes on. They were all so baggy on me now and I had just realized how big I actually was before. I didn't even want to think about my underwear, huge granny underwear. And then I wondered why the bimbos hated me so much, I was a balloon for crying out loud. I sat on my unmade bed and remembered I hadn't written my journal in a couple of weeks. I liked writing my journal; sometimes trying to remember things was hard. I didn't know which ones occurred on my mind and which ones actually happened after some time, I would change events and I knew it.

_Saturday 28__th__ October, 2011_

_Dear diary,_

_Sorry I've been MIA lately, I apologize. School has been harder than ever. I can't concentrate and teachers keep giving me looks I hate, I never was a good student so I dunno why they bother… the only one I sort of like is Coach Clapp because I don't have nasty looks coming my way all the time. The bimbos are nuts and I think Tanya has serious issues, her brain doesn't work properly and she's a bitch. I never get to say anything out loud, but I hate her. Tanya is pretty… scratch that, gorgeous and most boys drool over her even though she's completely nuts PLUS she's a slut. Yeah she has slept with half town and I told you that already but it's one of the couple of things I can hold against her._

_I'm losing weight but I still feel so fat. I'm 104lbs now and I look FAT. How big was I before dieting then? I can't remember anymore, I feel as big as ever. Is this normal?_

_I'm smoking a lot too, it calms me down and today I did something that calmed me down even more. I cut. It wasn't that big or deep for that matter and I don't think it's gonna be a problem but it made the pain go away. It hurts so much diary, hurts so fucking much. I'll never be enough, won't I?_

_I don't wanna tell you about Charlie now, I don't understand him. I just know he doesn't love me and it might be my fault._

_Edward is crazy and doing drugs, I saw him yesterday. Why does he hurt himself? He has everything. Such a stupid boy… Drugs hurt people, alcohol too, they're both addictions. Alcohol hurt mom, alcohol made her lose herself and Edward is going to lose himself too. Stupid! Stupid! Stupid boy! I could slap him if he didn't hate me._

_I need to go, wish me luck. I'll write soon._

_Whatever, you're just paper it's not like you're going to be offended. Are you?_

_Fuck._

_Bella x_

I hid my diary; all my dirtiest secrets were written on those pages and I couldn't let someone find it. All my fears, all my mistakes, all my feelings, all the things I heard and saw, all my flaws were displayed on those pages for everyone to read, although it was unlikely that someone would find it, I mean, come one even my own father didn't come into my room. I had to be cautious though, that's why the scale, pills, cigarettes and diary were hidden. You never know when people decide to do the unexpected. Like me trying to lose weight for example.

Saturday was uneventful and Charlie arrived after lunch time, or what should have been lunchtime. He had spent the night at Sue's and said that he didn't say goodbye because the lights in my room were off and he thought I was sleeping. Whatever dad, I don't believe you anymore. I told him I was indeed asleep when he had left. He had dinner alone again and this time didn't ask about my lack of appetite. I wondered how much I could go without eating and having Charlie not noticing it. That night I exercised with my ear buds on and before sleeping I took the same pills I had taken the previous night and earlier, which made 6 dieting pills on Saturday and 9 in total. If this didn't help me lose weight by December I was killing Jacob Black.

I decided to do homework on Sunday. I was falling behind at school, getting grades that would definitely get my father's attention and not in a good way. Math homework was giving me a headache, I sucked at math. It took me two hours to figure out how to do the stupid homework and by that time I was fuming and cursing under my breath. The rest of the homework wasn't as hard as the math one but it still took me a few hours to get everything done. It was already the evening when I could actually do something else besides school stuff. Reading checked. Homework, checked. Writing, checked. I was tired and didn't feel like exercising though I knew I had to, so I stretched a bit and did some sits ups. I was so tired and I just needed to be under the covers of my bed so I took a shower, today I was avoiding touching my body. As much as you can avoid touching your body while showering that's it. Once I was nice and clean I dried myself with my fluffy towel, just like the previous day without the razor incident. I didn't want to give much thought to it, to what made me do it, to the odds of it happening again. I went to my room and prepared things for the next day and after putting some comfy clothes on took my pills and let the sleep take me.

Monday I was late for school. My clothes were okay, too big as usual, but my hair was a mess and I only got to apply some eye liner before rushing to school. When I finally arrived to my personal hell there were still some students in the halls, some of them chatting, some others probably wondering how to skip classes, others making out. Ah the pleasures of high school, if I only got to actually enjoy it. But I didn't have friends or a boyfriend, I wasn't popular, I wasn't smart, didn't have some special talent. The only thing I DID have was a bunch of people who were disgusted by my mere existence. And now I was disgusted by it myself I was even more miserable. Some could call this self pity, I called it reality.

When I made it to my first class people stopped talking once I was inside and then they began whispering, a few going back to what they were doing before I decided to ruin their little perfect lives. Tanya and bimbo one and two, usually known as Jessica and Lauren, were the ones that got my attention. Jessica was a weird girl, she would follow Tanya everywhere and sometimes do what she told her to do, but there was something different with her. She didn't look at Tanya as if she was the best friend she could have, she looked at her as if she was her only chance of surviving high school. Jessica never looked pleased with the things she did, or the ones Tanya made her do, and just for the record, she had given me sorry looks more than once. Lauren on the other hand was a less crazy but bitchier version of Tanya. Lauren's hair was the pretties I had ever seen and her blue eyes made mine look the color of poop, and don't even get me started with her body, I'd kill for that body and I was sure most of girls would. But Lauren was Tanya's pet and I could tell that even though she loved the attention she was bitter about not being the queen B. High School royalty was a complicated web that could trap you and make the big nasty spider eat you, and you didn't want that. I was the fly and the living example of it. I was glad once the teacher arrived and called to class to silence, Tanya's constant whispering and eye daggers were freaking me out. Someone wasn't taking happy pills anymore.

There was something in the air, like the electricity before the storm. It was already lunch time and I was buying a diet coke, I was thirsty and I had to take the dieting pills. I was making my way to the cafeteria when I heard Edward's voice. Seemed to have an ability regarding listening to other's conversations.

"Leave her the fuck alone, I told you Tanya, I can open my mouth and let people know about your little secret. You don't want that, do you?" He sounded threatening and if I were Tanya I would be running away from him. But Tanya wasn't me.

"Why do you care?"

"Got my reasons"

"Fine, but I want something then, something from you"

"What the fuck do you want?"

"Exactly _that_ Eddie, I want one night with you. You and me… one night…"

I heard Edward sighed and after a moment he spoke again, his voice tired "Deal"

I left, I had heard enough. Who was the girl they were talking about? I was sure it wasn't me because Edward didn't care about me but I didn't know of any other girl who Tanya hated so much as she hated me. I was confused. Edward didn't seem happy with Tanya's condition to do as he said or maybe he was acting and the whole "sleeping with you isn't my favorite activity" tone of voice was a great actor's performance. I decided I didn't care, they weren't talking about me, Edward hated me, Tanya hated me, their deal didn't mean a thing to me. What did matter to me though were my pills so I I went to the girl's bathroom and after being sure that I was alone I swallowed the pills with the help of some water. I turned around to leave and there it was again, next to me, the shadow. I screamed at the top of my lungs and tears began rolling down my cheeks. It had always scared me, that shadow had always scared me. I wasn't always present, but when it was I was scared. I was breathing heavy, and I kept crying. I felt a hand on my shoulder and I flinched.

"Are you okay Swan?" It was Misses Molina, Mister Molina's wife and also teacher. She seemed worried so I nodded as usual and closed my eyes taking deep breaths.

It isn't real, it isn't real. It isn't real!

"Are you hurt? Did anybody do something to you?"

This time I shook my head. I was calmer now. I did my best and gave her a reassuring little smile that I was sure looked awful but she nodded in agreement and approached slowly. She put her hand on my shoulder and looked into my eyes.

"Talk to me if you need anything, okay?" Her voice was gentle as well as her touch and I had to make my best so I wouldn't cry again. I wasn't used to people caring about me. I nodded again, this time a little slower and Misses Molina left the bathroom.

I washed my face and when I was in the hall found out classes had already began again. I went to my locker and took my cigarettes. Once I was as far from school as I could while still being inside the school area I lit the cigarette. I had no makeup on now, my hair was a mess and my eyes were red. There was no way I was going back to class like this. I skipped my last class and went inside to get my things. I was sure I didn't look so horrible by now. I was trying to find my truck's keys when I saw Edward come my way. I was paralyzed; my breathing speed up and a mixture of fear, curiosity and adrenaline ran through my body. He looked at me after stopping a couple of feet away; he opened his mouth and closed it again. He pinched the bridge of his nose and after turning around, left.

_What the heck was that?_

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**Yeah Edward, what the heck was that?**

**So Bella is falling down, fast. And there's a deal between Tanya and your much loved Edward – note the sarcasm there.**

**I had a horrible week, but it seems good now since I'm in full "I need/want to relapse" mode and I've been eating well for the last two days, which makes them the horrible ones. I did slipped twice and restricted last week though… but I promise you it won't affect the story. Actually, the story is somehow planned and a few things keep adding, but no external source will affect the course that things will take.**

**Thank you for taking the time to read and review. I appreciate it A LOT! And I apologize again for this chapter; next one will be corrected properly.**


	9. Chapter 9

**I don't own Twilight, it belongs to Stephenie Meyer. Plot and some descriptions are mine though.**

**Sorry for the delay, life has been shitty on me. I have no excuse, or at least none I can openly tell since it's not all me this time.**

**Kfoll girlie, thank you thank you! Most wonderful beta ever.**

**Music for the chappie: A song to say goodbye by Placebo. **

**Chappie nine!**

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**Home**

Home; that word for most people meant safety, love, warmth, smiles, hugs, soft touches in the mornings, parental care… food.

My definition of home had always been slightly different. My definition of home involved an empty house, an almost non-existent father, flushed food, food for only one, lies, coldness, secrets, oh and more lies…

My home had never been a home and would never be one. Home had always been just a house for me. A place where I could live, a place where I could satisfy my basic needs, at least when it came to sleep, shower or eating to survive. My other needs though, they were long forgotten. The hugs were given by a drunken mother, soft touches were given by a mother that wasn't strong enough because of her alcohol intake, my food had been bought and came in a box, the warmth would come from a heater, the smiles would be on my mother's face when she was spinning and laughing and spinning and spinning, always so out of control…

At the time I knew that outside my home I'd had it all. I had the smiles, the soft touches, the hugs, the warmth, the _protection_. Everything; all of it was just for me. And then, one day in fourth grade, it was gone. Not long after, the other kinds of homely things disappeared too. My mother was gone. Losing her didn't hurt as much as losing my one and only friend because, before everything was ruined, he had cared, he was always there, he was love and he was warmth. My best friend was my home.

I tried to focus on my assignment, Edward was sitting near me. I could feel him. I'd always been able to. I knew he could feel me too; it'd been like this since forever. In recent years It had been a source of entertainment for him. He knew that when I was close he could decide what prank he'd be going to do next. We didn't have to pay attention, we just _knew_. I'd been avoiding this fact for so long, because I hated it. I hated that I could feel him. I hated that I knew he was close without seeing or hearing him. I wished I could hate him too.

Today was different. He'd been quiet, he looked tired and he'd been tapping his pencil non-stop. For the first time in years, I knew he was not doing it to bother me. There was something dangerous about him today. It was like hearing the ticking of a bomb. He was quiet, too quiet. Edward's silence had always been dangerous. I'd seen it many times, and someone always got hurt. A wrong movement, being too close, saying the wrong word or talking to him in the wrong tone and he would snap. He never looked me in the eye, I wouldn't let him either. I hid my face. But I'd seen his eyes. There was something inside them, they were the most beautiful eyes I'd ever seen and apart from my own the most troubled ones.

I'd never justified the things he did to me, they were wrong, the whole thing had been just wrong. He used drugs, he was Mr. Popular, he could hurt me with sharp words, he could fight, he drank, he confused me.

Everything about Edward Cullen screamed trouble.

Not in the typical way, I know he was not a spoiled kid, but it didn't make it right. The way he would deal with whatever it was, it wasn't right.

The bell rang and I grabbed my things. I was dizzy, I had been so dizzy today. I hated seeing shadows, I hated the way my body felt. I was sad, I was hurting and I was tired. I'd cut myself the night before just to feel a different kind of pain. It relieved me, it sent adrenaline. I didn't like to think about it. I was so tired, I didn't want to think anymore.

It'd been four days since Edward had tried to talk to me. It'd been the strangest period of time of my life. Alice Cullen had been crying, a lot. I'd seen her cry about ten times in four days. Jasper, Alice's boyfriend, looked pale, tired and scared. They hadn't been themselves this past week. Tanya looked like the cat that ate the canary; she'd been all smiles this week. She hadn't bothered me once either. Edward had been a roller coaster, he looked like a living statue. He'd skipped classes, he'd screamed at one of his buddies to fuck off and he'd pulled his hair so much, I thought he'd be bald by next week. The weirdest thing though, had been Jessica Stanley. She helped me gather my books twice, her eyes had been a bit red and I'd caught her looking at Kate, Garret's twin and part of the cheerleading team, as if she was the sun. All these things however, made no difference to me.

I felt Edward brush my arm with his as he walked next to me, it was not forceful, he wasn't trying to make me fall and I was scared that if I made the wrong move he would start yelling at me. But he didn't. Edward sighed and left so fast all I saw was a blur of copperish hair.

I had my book and notebook against my chest and was unconsciously scratching my wrist. I'd been doing it since the previous day. There were only two more hours of class. I was skipping this one and I had P.E. the last hour. I needed to eat something, I'd brought an orange for today. I didn't want to pass out in P.E., and I knew I would if I didn't eat something. I also knew there was no way I could keep my clothes in place anymore. I needed to get smaller ones.

I had two braids of messy brown hair hanging at the sides of my head as I moved and some bracelets on my wrist. They were a bit on the rocker side, I didn't really care what they looked like since I was only wearing them because I had hurt my arm so much this past week and I couldn't plasters anymore. They didn't make any noise. They were black, made of leather and big. My eyeliner was also black. My mood was black as well. The end of the tunnel was pitch black. There was no light, no warmth. There was no home to go to.

I opened my locker and, after putting my things inside, I grabbed my iPod and cigarettes. The lighter was inside of the little package so I didn't need to look for it. I also grabbed a razor. Why I had decided to bring a razor to school escaped my mind. I'd been doing a lot of things lately without even knowing why. I was trying to avoid feeling by replacing feeling with pain, with stomach cramps, with cuts, with anything I could. I felt like jumping off a cliff, just to feel the adrenaline. I felt like kissing someone even though I had never been kissed before but knew that no boy would want to kiss me anyway. I felt like standing in the middle of the road and letting a car hit me. I felt like I was walking on a tightrope, and a little wind would blow me away and make me fall. But I didn't really care, as I long as I didn't feel anything when I hit the ground, I didn't care anymore. _Why bother? _

I was out of school and the November air felt cold on my cheeks. I walked to the furthest side of the school grounds and lit a cigarette. I sat on my calves against one of the big old trees. There was something about smoking that calmed me. I had been smoking a lot lately. I felt as if I had a bomb inside my chest too, the ticking would never stop, the anxiety, the pain, the shaking, the cold. I felt like I was losing my mind and that scared the hell out of me. I wasn't afraid of falling, but I was afraid of going insane. The razor weighed a thousand pounds in my pocket. It was screaming at me. I imagined the adrenaline rush, the red, the dizziness where I'd been holding my breath so I wouldn't get sick… and the razor weighed more and it called me louder. I was no fool, I knew this wasn't only me trying to be accepted at school, I knew it was not _only_ the bullying. It had never been all about school. But I could only think about it, if I thought about the rest… If I thought about it, then I would have to quit. If I thought about it, I knew what would come. If I ever accepted it, I knew that in that moment, I would fall. I wasn't scared of falling, but I was making my tightrope walk last as long as I could. There was only one question left, a part of me had answered it already.

I grabbed the razor and after closing my eyes shut, sliced the shiny, silver thing over my wrist. I could feel my skin open, the warm blood flowing, the adrenaline running through my veins. I didn't breathe, I didn't open my eyes and then I felt it. I didn't have to open my eyes. I just felt _him_. I was paralyzed for a second. I opened my eyes, and put the razor back in my pocket. I had already finished my cigarette so there was no smoke giving me way. I stood up and hid behind the tree. I moved my head a little so I could see what he was doing and saw him looking around, trying to find something or trying to make sure nobody was around. His hands were shaking; Edward's body was shaking and then he kicked one of the tables. It broke and he continued kicking it. I could hear his voice chanting "fuck" over and over. With one last agonizing "fuck" he let himself fall to the ground. I saw him looking into his pockets for something. He lit a cigarette and seemed to calm down. I knew it wasn't a cigarette he was smoking. Edward was smoking pot! He was smoking pot in the school grounds! Was he insane? If anybody came out and found him, things would get bad. I heard sniffling and I knew he was crying. I had never seen this side of him and it was hard to watch. Edward Cullen, the boy every other guy at school wanted to be, the boy girls wanted to sleep with, the boy that made guys like Tyler Crowley smile at him because they were afraid of him. That same boy was crying and had just destroyed a wooden table. It shocked me just like it had when I saw him buys drugs at the party. There was a difference between knowing there was something behind his eyes that told you he was troubled and actually seeing him break down in front of your eyes.

My breathing became harsh and quick and I fought back my tears. I wasn't feeling bad for him, I had no sympathy left, but I was sad for us. I was sad for the innocent children we had once been, for those kids that had dreams and believed love would always make everything better. I was sad for those kids that would whisper promises and say they would always be together. I was sad because that innocence was lost. I was sad because there was no hope. I was sad because there was no home. If the boy that seemed to have it all couldn't be happy then what hope was there for me? It wasn't just me that was utterly screwed up, it was life. Life was difficult, life was hard, life was hopeless. It didn't matter who your parents were, it didn't matter how popular you were or how beautiful you were. You would hurt anyways. I had to lessen the damage. I had to lessen the pain. If I suffered because of the shitty card life had always given me then I was going to try to better the only thing I could. _My body_. My life I couldn't change, my father I couldn't change, my lack of a mother figure I couldn't change either, my body on the other hand, I could try to make better. I promised myself in that moment that while I was walking on the tightrope I would improve my body and if I fell I would leave a nice memory.

I looked up and Edward was gone. I saw him in the distance walking to the parking lot. I didn't feel like going to P.E. and not going was actually a good idea. I could work out at home. I didn't have to eat that stupid orange. I didn't have to endure stupid looks. Ditching was good once in a while. My father wouldn't get to know; he never knew anything. No harm no foul.

I drove a little faster this time and quickly arrived at my house. I went upstairs and stripped in my bedroom. I had taken so many dieting pills this past week that I was eating them like candy.

_Always the fatty darling. Can't you compare them to anything else?_

She was so strong, she was me, her voice was mine. I breathed slowly and took the scale. I stood on it and looked down. 102… the number echoed in my mind. Two pounds! I had only lost two pounds! I was sobbing, choking on my saliva. All the work outs, all the pills, everything was for nothing.

_I can change my body, I can't make it better. I can make this better. I have to. Let me have something good, please let me have something good…_

I hid the scale more forcefully than I wanted. I closed my closet doors and began exercising while I was still sobbing. I jumped, I tried to do aerobics. I made abs and I jumped again. I did some exercises for leg strength and then some cardio afterwards. My heart was beating fast, it was beating so fast my chest hurt and I had to stop. I looked at the clock; I had been exercising for three hours. My legs were shaking and my vision was blurry. I locked the door and let myself fall onto my bed. The room was spinning; cold sweat was falling from my forehead into my eyes. My body was unusually warm. I closed my eyes, the spinning made me nervous.

Then, nothing!

When I came back to consciousness, my phone was ringing inside my school backpack. I stood up slowly; my legs were weak and sore. I could barely walk. It was my dad.

"Hey dad"

"You okay kiddo?"

What's with this man? He has to pay attention now?

"Yeah dad, I was sleeping. What's up?"

"Problems at work" I heard him sigh and I knew he wasn't lying. His voice sounded strained "I have to go to Seattle this weekend, I can't tell you much about it kid…" another sigh from Charlie" Just take care while I'm gone Bella. I'll be home sometime during the week"

_Sometime during the week…_

He didn't know when he was coming back. This was different. This wasn't him leaving so he could live a happier life in a real home. This was him being a cop for real.

"I will dad. See you soon"

I heard a small "see you kiddo" then he hung up. I felt my own sigh leave my lips and headed towards the kitchen. I needed to eat something even if I didn't want to. I felt so weak and everything took extra energy. I knew I had to eat. I grabbed a banana and, after peeling it, took a tiny bite. The sweet taste in my mouth was heaven. I chewed as slowly as I could but when I opened my eyes again the banana was gone. I hadn't even realized I'd closed my eyes. I tried not to feel guilty but it was impossible. I couldn't go purge because I was too weak and the guilt was all consuming. I stood up and went to the bathroom to take a shower and stop thinking about what I had just eaten. It helped for a while but after a few minutes the guilt was still there. And just like I did a week ago, I cut myself.

The next few days were pretty much the same. They consisted of trying not to eat, popping diet pills and sleeping pills, exercising, drinking water, trying to do homework and cutting. It was a vicious cycle, eat, guilt, cut, exercise, pills… it was never ending. It hurt. It felt as if I didn't know better.

The halls at school were full of gossip. Both Alice and Jasper hadn't been at school for days and Edward had only been in once. I had seen him in one of the few classes we shared and his beautiful eyes were black. Edward looked pale and dark shadows were under his eyes. He was also on the phone a lot during breaks, talking outside. He walked from one side of the campus to the other like a mad man.

I was failing subjects and I was feeling worse every day. Even breathing hurt. I needed a break. I needed a fucking break. Charlie never told me what happened at work but when he came home he was grumpy and tired. I knew better than to talk to Charlie when he was like that

By Friday Charlie had disappeared to Sue's. Edward had made a no show at school just as his sister and her boyfriend had. Ms. Molina had given me a total of five weird looks in the hallways, one for each school day.

That Friday the scale hit 100 but I was still fat, I was still ugly, I wasn't good enough yet. Something good, I needed something good just for a while. A short while…

Another week went by and things had changed again. Alice and Jasper came back to school, but they weren't the golden couple we all knew anymore. Apparently the Cullen's weren't that golden. Jasper was more affectionate than ever but in a soft, loving way that made my heart ache. He would touch Alice ever so softly as if she was breakable and she would lean her weight on him trying to find support. She looked broken. By Tuesday, rumor had it that Edward had fucked Lauren in an empty classroom. He seemed unaffected by the whispers around him everywhere he went. One look into his eyes, however, told me he was dealing with bigger stuff. I found him watching me a few times and after one of those he left the classroom. When he came back his eyes were black. He was using and I was cutting. But nobody seemed to notice. Nobody ever saw anything beyond themselves. They weren't naïve, they weren't fools, they weren't innocent kids. They just didn't care. One look at most of the students would tell you that in some of us, innocence was lost. By Friday the scale hit 96.5lbs and the suffocating feeling, the inability to breathe and the shadows increased.

Third week of November.

A lot of pills were taken; a lot of crying was done. There was lot of cutting and a lot of diary writing. Most of my writing was messy and blurred with tears. Some of those lines talked about losing innocence, about no happy endings, about losing hope, about drug addict stupid boys, sad school princesses, loving touches, liars, body, beauty, sadness, weight, paranoia, hurt, home…

It was almost impossible to make myself function this week. I knew it was thanksgiving next week and I knew I was spending it alone. The good thing about it was not being forced to eat fattening food, the bad thing about it was my sickening need to be hugged, to get some comfort. I was silently screaming.

_I can't breathe. I can't do this anymore. I just can't. Someone, please just someone make it stop…_

As the week came the week went. I had a message from Doctor Cullen; no one had answered the phone at home. He was asking me about the appointment I didn't make and wasn't going to make either. There was a lot arguing at school that week. Tanya was missing. There was a fight between Mike Newton and Edward. An argument between Alice and her friend Irina… everything around me wasn't so bright anymore. They weren't that perfect. There was no handsome Edward, no greenish-blue eyes. I wasn't even the target of jokes. They would only whisper " get away from me" they would only look as if I were a leper or had gone mental but none of them came close. None of them heard the ticking slowly counting down to zero. None of them made it stop.

By the end of the week my weight was 95 and I still felt as ugly as ever. I could see bones, but I could see a lot of fat where I couldn't see my bones. I just had a horrible body.

Thanksgiving week.

Charlie was going to spend thanksgiving weekend with Sue and Leah. He said something about needing to spend time with the kid. I was his kid, not her. I had nobody. I was just a ticking bomb. The fourth week of November felt heavy on my shoulders. I had no pills left. I had taken so many of them. School was calmer but definitely not bright. Ms Molina had been on leave for two weeks so I had no odd looks coming from her, odd looks from students were enough. Edward tried to talk to me again and, despite everything he had done to me, I was silently pleading him to do it. He was the only one who noticed, he was the only one who seemed to see me. Every time he did though, he would clench his fists and breathe hard. He would grab his head and walk away. He wasn't strong enough to come to talk to me, to come make fun of me, to give me anything… there was no constant anymore. The teasing had been constant, had been attention, a sick and twisted attention. This, this was nothing.

Friday the 25th I let Edward Cullen look into my eyes after years and for the last time. Goodbye Edward. He seemed shocked and when I walked away I knew he remained in the same spot where I left him.

Once at home I undressed myself and stood on my white friend, my white squared judge. I weighed 93lbs and still had the same feeling of being anything but enough for people, for this life. So much weight lost and I still felt like shit. I couldn't do this anymore, breathing was unbearable. I was tired, I was so damn tired. Life wasn't a fairy tale, life wasn't about love and roses and soft touches. I was untouched, or had been for so long. He used to touch me… when we were kids, he would hug me. My good memories were only before age ten with my lost best friend. My life was so screwed up. I had no innocence left, I didn't expect thing to get better anymore. My ex best friend was an addict, my father was a reckless, selfish man, my mother was an alcoholic and out of the picture, my life was shit! I was a waste of space now, I had nothing left to do, nothing left to say… I had something to say though, the answer to my last question. I grabbed a pen and my diary and wrote in shaky handwriting, I wasn't nervous, but I was tired and writing was hard. In the middle of a blank page the last thing I needed to say and the last thing I consciously thought about while slicing my way out open.

_There's no innocence left. Hurt feels like __**home**__._

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**This has been so hard to write. I've been dealing with a lot of stuff lately and as you've seen the chapter was so filled of hurting… good thing is, the story isn't finished and I believe in HEA, so there's a only one way from here guys.**

**Thank you for your reviews, for your patience and for sticking with me after all the angst.**


	10. Chapter 10

**Thank you so much for reviews, they mean a lot to me and I tried to answer each of them. I had to do a lot of research for this chapter and the next one. For obvious reasons this will be another angsty chapter, but things get better from here.**

**Kfoll, you're an amazing beta and I can't thank you enough for encouraging me with this story from the very beginning.**

**Some explaining****:**

**Molly: Name for pure MDMA.**

**Parachute: the drug is put inside a toilette paper and swallowed with water.**

**Rolling/roll: name MDMA users give to the high while using MDMA.**

**Warning: There are a lot of references to drug use in this chapter and most of them were written after reading experiences from addicts and some info. Even drug interaction... I tried to be as accurate as possible.**

**Songs: Meds by Placebo and Wires by Athlete.**

**Here we go with the EPOV!**

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**To fix a broken a girl.**

I was fucked. I was completely and utterly fucked. I had so many memories coming back to me and I didn't know why. I loved my parents I really did and I always tried to see the best in them, but the memories were killing me. My mom was great and then again she wasn't. She had raised us but she hadn't. I would always repress that and yet I was conscious of that. My dad was never home while Alice and I were growing up mom was… sort of. Her continuous work helping others meant she didn't really pay attention to us but those few times Alice or I would complain about it she would always say

"You have everything, you should be grateful. You don't know what having nothing is"

I would feel so guilty later and try to make up for my mistake. Now I wasn't a little kid anymore, I knew that shit was fucked up. But they were also my parents; they gave us everything materially.

What about attention? What about support?

I had none of those. My father got upset once and then just suggested a shrink. I knew. I just knew they still resented me, but I couldn't go there… I just couldn't. It was too painful to remember…

I had been trying to talk to Bella but I just couldn't do it. What did I have to say anyway?

"Hey, you look like shit and I know there's something going on so can you please just talk to me?" Yeah, that wasn't happening. If I were her I'd kick me in the nuts. I had been such an ass to her for years; it wasn't like we were best friends anymore. I could feel the sadness coming from her in waves. Or at least I could when I was clean. I had been using, I had been using so much I was hardly ever clean anymore. Things at home had gone from bad to worse. We didn't have conversations anymore; dinners were silent and uncomfortable and with the date getting closer and closer my mom was getting worse. She was never at home and when she was she would completely ignore me. It hurt, it hurt so much I had to go upstairs and parachute as much as I could. I barely slept anymore, and I had lost weight because I wasn't ever hungry. But when I was high, when I was with her… I couldn't feel the pain. I would roll for at least three hours and snort before coming down. It worked for me that way, snorting was painful but it would hit hard and fast. I had my three ways and pills were my third. I knew I was close to becoming addicted again but I didn't really care anymore. Anything was better than the way I felt. I was alone, and I had a dead weight on my shoulders that wouldn't go away. Every time I'd look at my mum holding that little stick I would snap. I would hit things and 'she' was the only thing that could make me strong. She was what I needed now, she was my comfort, and she was the only thing I had. It was only Molly and me now... with the occasional drop of alcohol and the occasional snort of coke. I was fucked. I just needed to feel good for once.

I stopped having sex with random girls because it didn't make me feel good anymore, Molly made me horny but my head was so screwed I couldn't fully enjoy it. They would usually go down on me and I would finger them. That was it. It just made everything worse, before I'd have sex and I would enjoy it. Life wasn't so great; life was shit and just plain fucking painful. A part of me wished my parents would just scream at me so I could scream back. Another part of me wished they would care about me. They had only cared twice, both times with me being close to overdosing and yet all I got was them ignoring me and Alice. My sister wasn't much better than me. She had become Jasper's other half and she wouldn't really talk to me anymore. She had also given up talking to our parents. I couldn't blame her, I had done a lot of things for her that should have been done by our mother and I knew Alice resented her for it. I couldn't, I just couldn't resent my mother not after what I had done to her.

It was October and by now our time having supper together was done. My dad would arrive home really late every day and my mother didn't feel like cooking anymore. It was always like that, we would have a few months trying to play the happy family and then we would go back to normal. Normal at home meant dad working too many hours, mom spending her day at hospital with other kids and her nights in her room, Alice at Jasper's or in her room and me… well it all depended on how fucked I was. I knew I needed to stop using so much but as November got closer and things at home got worse the need was so all consuming. The only reason why I hadn't failed everything at school was because I barely slept anymore so I had time to try to study, not that it was easy. I couldn't stay sitting still for long and it was getting noticeable. At school I would move my legs or tap my pen against my notebook and I'd avoid eye contact with anyone. My pupils were always dilated so I had to be careful. I tried not to use before school but enduring another day of seeing Bella looking as if she had just walked out of "the walking dead" was painful. I would look at her from a distance and see patterns. Something was off, she had no energy but, like me, she kept moving. It seemed like she didn't notice she was always moving her leg or her hands though.

The guys, my _friends _were more assholes than ever. The only reason they were friends with me was because all the girls wanted to sleep with me, because they were scared I would break their noses if they got on my bad side… whatever. The drama with those guys was ridiculous; it was girly and would make a great MTV reality show. They would cheat, fight after games, punch each other but still say they were the best of friends. _Bro's before hoes_. I'd really wanted to be their friend when I was a kid; I was really disappointed in myself. I was also grossed out with myself for sleeping with Tanya, I had stopped harassing Bella once I saw how bad she looked but Tanya kept pushing my limits. I had warned her once, I had told her nicely. But the bitch and her personality disorder or whatever she had would not understand. When I heard she wanted to corner Bella in the bathroom and leave her locked in there, I knew I had to have a little talk with her. I saw Tanya in the hallway and approached her. I was already coming down from my little use a couple of hours ago and felt depressed after but for some reason couldn't really snap at others. I grabbed her arm and, once I had her attention, spoke to her.

"Leave Bella the fuck alone, I told you Tanya, I can open my mouth and let people know about your little secret. You don't want that, do you?" I was using my most threatening tone with her but I knew the look she was giving me wasn't good news.

"Why do you care?"

Fuck. Why did I care? I didn't even know why. I only knew the pain in my chest when I'd look at Bella was still there. And that was enough reason.

"Got my reasons"

"Fine, but I want something then, something from you" she had an evil look and I knew that she was going to ask for something I didn't want to give her.

"What the fuck do you want?"

I was trying to maintaining my threatening tone but I was fucking tired. I needed a break from myself, from life.

"Exactly that Eddie, I want one night with you. You and me… one night…"

I sighed; my façade not working anymore and my tiredness obvious in my voice when I said one word that would make her happy and help Bella in the only way I could.

"Fine"

She gave me a wicked smile and I knew I needed something right now. I was sweating and felt dizzy. My jaw was hurting like a motherfucker. The only thing I hated about Molly was that I seemed to clench my jaw when I was high without noticing it and when the high would fade away, my muscles would be sore. I had no Molly with me today, but I had Coke in my car. I'd forgotten the little bag there, I rarely used it, it just seemed like playing in a different league. But after agreeing to sleep with Tanya I needed something strong.

"Fuck it"

I went to the parking lot and luckily nobody saw me, they were all in class. I sat in my car and found the bag hidden under my seat. My hands were trembling by now. Not because I was craving the drug badly, but because of the feelings that kept building inside me. My anxiety was killing me, and so were the other feelings I was numbing with drugs. I looked around and saw no one. I made two lines with my credit card and rolled a twenty buck note I had in my pocket. I snorted the first one and rubbed my nose. I hated snorting, I preferred to parachute Molly. I snorted the second line and cleaned up as well as I could. I knew I needed to leave school now but I had to gather the things I had left first. I had at least another fifteen minutes until I felt the Cocaine hitting its mark. When I went inside I saw Bella. Her eyes were red and she had no makeup on. I needed to ask…

_Come on, don't be a chicken Cullen, you can do this…_

I opened my mouth and closed it again. The burning in my nose reminded me of something, I couldn't talk to her when I was high on Coke. I wasn't myself when I used it. I had fucked up another opportunity to talk to her now. I had already given up when I tried to go to her house… I was fucking useless. I pinched the bridge of my nose and left. I was pissed at myself.

The days went by and things were just chaotic. Alice wasn't herself I knew she was hiding something, she was my twin, there was a connection between us. My dad was always absent, I knew he slept at home but I rarely saw him. And my mum was always yelling at me for no reason. I knew it had to do with the time of the year, but it didn't make me feel any better. This year however, I would walk away and get as high as I could. The tone of my mother's voice reminded me of the day I found out how she felt about me.

My mom had lost her baby because of me. We were fourteen and Alice had had her first period. She wasn't at home, she was in the library and after calling my mum for half an hour and then my dad for ten minutes she decided to call me. Buying stuff for her was embarrassing but hearing my sister cry on the phone broke my heart. She didn't have a change of clothes to leave the library; she had gone there by bike after lunch and it was already six o'clock in the evening. When we came back home we were alone. She had cramps and I gave her some meds for it and tried to call our parents. Neither answered their phone. When they arrived at ten I told my mum about what had happened and her answer made me mad.

"Honey, I have better things to do during my day than answer my phone every time you need something. You're not kids anymore. Besides, it was just her period" I was a boy and didn't know much about girl stuff, but I knew that for girls that shit was important. I saw red, I was tired of my parents being away, of Alice and me taking care of each other every single time we were sick or needed something. What if one of us was in real danger while calling them?

"You don't deserve to be our mother Esme, you're never here. I fucking hate you and I'm sure Alice hates you too" My hands were clenching at my sides and my mother looked stunned.

"What did you just say Edward?"

"I FUCKING HATE YOU!" I yelled at her slowly, making sure she could hear every single word. After that everything went fast, my mum grabbed her stomach and yelled for my dad. He pushed me against the wall and took my mom in his arms. My mom lost the baby that night.

Things were a mess after that and things only got worse when I heard them talking a couple of months before my sixteenth birthday.

"Honey, it's okay. You're not a bad mother for feeling this way towards him. I also resent him for what happened. If it wasn't for what he said to you, we would have another kid now" It was my father's voice and although he was soothing my mum the venom in his voice was obvious.

"Sometimes... sometimes I look at him and I hate him Carlisle. He's my son, my son! How can I hate my son? If he hadn't… I can't have kids anymore, he took that from me, and I can't forgive him. I just can't…" my mom was crying and I had heard enough.

That was the first time I drank until I got numb. After that night everything was different. My mom would always smile at everything and I knew she was happier by accepting my full responsibility in what had happened. In my case, I had the girls, the parties, the alcohol, I didn't need my family. I didn't need them, I had distractions. I didn't lie when I told my father the alcohol was a distraction. And blaming Bella for not being there for me was easier than thinking about other things. Right now, looking back at when I would think about her only to make myself feel better… It made the pain in my chest grow.

The night I spent with Tanya, so she wouldn't bother Bella anymore, was plain fucking horrible. I had to snort four lines of coke in order to sleep with her and I was glad I had used a condom; I couldn't risk getting the crazy bitch pregnant, not because of us, but because of the poor kid. We were not parent material, nor friend, brother or sister material.

The day arrived and as if destiny was enjoying my misery way too much, I got a call from Jasper while I was at school. Alice had miscarried. My sister, my twin had been pregnant and I didn't know about it. It hit me like a bolt of lightning and I felt like shit for not being there for her. I was a shitty brother. I rubbed my gums with enough coke to help me deal with this easier, but it still wasn't enough. I went outside and kicked whatever was near. My fucking life was a mess. I needed to calm down. I had a joint in my pocket and I smoked while tears kept falling. I hated crying. I had mixed drugs and I was still a mess… I left my spot on the floor along with my tears and drove to the address Jasper had given me. When I arrived Jasper looked like a ghost.

"Hey man" He said coming to greet me and I gave him a manly one arm hug. I wasn't good with dealing with emotions, that much was obvious.

He told me everything. About her finding out about her pregnancy late because her periods were irregular; if the moment wasn't such a serious one I would have gagged, I didn't need to know about my sister's periods, not again. Apparently, missing one contraceptive pill had resulted in her getting pregnant and carrying on taking them, had caused her miscarriage. My sister looked even worse than Jasper and she barely hugged me back. It broke my heart seeing her so broken. She didn't want to go home; she needed to stay with Jasper. I told her I would cover for her if our parents asked but it wasn't necessary. Mom was at the hospital every day and she would only come back when dad did. I was left alone in a house that was way too big for me. I skipped classes, or technically, I skipped going to school. I was trying not to use because my sister needed me but when she told me to fuck off because I was no real help, I gave up. When I came back I could barely think straight, I had used so much…

I visited Alice, even though she didn't want to see me, and convinced her to go back to school. She had been given permission to go to class but not to attend P.E. classes. Having Alice and Jasper back in school was bitter sweet. She had apologized for shutting me out but said she needed time. She needed Jasper now, not me. I found relief in Molly. I still tried to avoid coke as much as I could. I was hyper and I was also turned on when Lauren decided to touch me inappropriately. I ended up fucking her in an empty classroom. She told everyone, but I couldn't care less. I could have been hit by a truck and I couldn't have cared less. The only thing I cared about, but was afraid to admit to, was Bella. She was the only one that would look me in the eye. The only one that would see I wasn't what the rest thought I was. I wasn't the great fucker those bitches said I was. I wasn't the crazy asshole my _friends_ said... I wasn't him. I wasn't that guy. And every time I would try to look into her eyes she would lower her head, reminding me I was an asshole in her eyes. It made me turn to the comfort I found in drugs.

My eyes were usually black now, my pupils were always dilated. A part of me wished that someone would notice. That someone would care. Another part of me was only waiting for the moment when I would overdose. I had been in a coma once before from too much alcohol, this wasn't much different. It wasn't like anybody needed me. But I was not going to just kill myself; I refused to plan my death. It had to be by accident. There was a difference between planning your death and letting it come to you. Death might be peaceful, easy and life much harder, but dying with the knowledge that you planned it sounded pathetic to my ears and not a very nice way to go.

I tried to talk to Bella a few times, but I was a pussy. I was afraid of what I would find and I didn't know what to say. I hadn't been drug free for a long time and sometimes I wondered if I was still myself. So I made a plan, I would stop using and then talk to her. I just needed to talk to her, she wasn't doing so good. I could feel it, same as I could feel when she was close to me. I had always been able to feel her, my body had some sort of radar made for her and I hated it. I had always tried to suppress that radar as well as most of the memories of home, or lack of memories. I had so much locked inside and I felt like one day I was going to explode. So when Friday came I went to talk to her. I was a mess, I was tired as hell, I felt sick and I had been anxious. Not using also prevented me from sleeping , while using made me stay up all night, moving constantly whilst listening to music or trying to do my homework. I was dead tired. But I still needed to talk to her. I forgot how to breathe, I forgot my name, I forgot what I needed to do, and who I was the moment I stared into her sad brown eyes. I hadn't seen her eyes in so long and my chest tightened, my mouth went dry and my breath got stuck in my throat. I barely registered when she left and when I reacted and my mind decided to work I was full of worry.

She was saying goodbye.

I went to the parking lot as soon as I could make my body move and turned on my car ignition. It didn't work. Not now, fucker… come on… it didn't fucking work

Dad! I had to call my Father. I couldn't just go there alone now. I called Carlisle and he answered after two calls.

"Dad it's Bella" I knew I had to name her first or otherwise he would hang up.

"What's wrong, is she okay?"

"I need to get to her house dad, she's not okay. My car isn't working; can you pick me up at school now?" I was hoping he would say yes, there was something bad going on, I could feel it.

"I'm on my way Edward"

I was too nervous to stand still so I grabbed the cigarette I rarely used and smoked it while walking around the parking lot. I couldn't use now. I had to have all my senses. When I saw dad's car I literally jumped inside without saying hello. He gave me a weird look and drove to Bella's. I needed to get there, I couldn't put my finger on it but there was something going on. I could feel it.

Once we were in front of her house dad looked at me.

"I'm going inside, you wait here. I don't know what's going on with you Edward but whatever it is it has to stop" I refused to look at him. This was about Bella, not me.

"Go inside dad"

Once he left and I saw him go into the house, without anyone opening the door for him, I tried to squash the urgent need to go inside to see her, listen to her voice. I knew there was something eating her alive. These thoughts only made me feel worse, my leg was bouncing and I felt like throwing up. Withdrawal was fucking awful.

I heard someone running and when I looked up it was my dad with Bella in his arms. She was limp and my dad's right hand was covering both of her hands. My heart was racing and my head was screaming _"she's dead she's dead"_. I was paralyzed when dad opened the door and I was breathing so fast I felt as if I was passing out.

"Take her I need to drive to the hospital as fast as I can." He passed Bella to me and his next words ripped through my soul. "press her wrists as tightly as you can, do you hear me? Edward, press her wrists damn it!" I did. And when dad went to open his door I looked down.

It was a towel, and it was turning red. Bella was so damn light. She couldn't be this light, she couldn't. I pressed her wrists with one of my hands and I let my right hand touch her. I could feel all of her ribs, she was skin and bones. I needed to cry, why hadn't I seen this? The car was moving and I heard my dad on the phone.

"Macy, I've got Isabella Swan. Both her wrists are slashed and she's severely underweight. Prepare everything please, we will be there soon. Yes, her heart could stop any minute… that will be the best. Yes, thank you."

The words were running through my mind. Slashed wrists… Severely underweight… I could feel my eyes water and the pressure in my chest tighten. I felt sick.

"What the hell did you do" I asked to the almost dead girl on my lap. She didn't look peaceful even while dying. Then it hit me. She had tried to commit suicide and it was my fault.

All those times I'd bullied her, all those times I made comments about her figure… And now she was here, a bleeding skeleton. It was my fucking fault, I broke her. I fucking broke her.

"I'm sorry, I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. You'll be alright. You'll be alright" I kept repeating those words and now my hands were covered in her blood and her body had stopped moving. No more rise and fall of her chest. I put a shaky hand close to her nose. She wasn't breathing anymore. "No, no, no, you can't die like this. Not like this, Bells. Fuck! She's not breathing Dad, she's not fucking breathing!"

My dad sped up and we eventually got to the hospital in what felt like hours. I got out of the car as soon as the car stopped and ran with Bells in my arms through the automatic doors of the hospital where a bunch of doctors and nurses took her away from me.

_Please don't die, please don't die._

"She will make it, calm down" it was dad and I realized I had been saying it out loud. He ran after the doctors and I just stood there trembling without being able to let the tears fall. The guilt was killing me. The pain in my chest was so heavy I felt like it was crushing me to the ground.

It wasn't her fault that she was so weak, she had been dying in front of my eyes every day. She was letting herself go and I had been angry at her for it for way too long and then I was just a fucking pussy. So much hurt, she carried so much hurt. How could someone carry so much hurt for so long? I had been her executioner, I had killed her.

I could feel my body trembling and someone speaking to me but the words didn't make any sense. I couldn't breathe properly and the tightness, the weight in my chest was suffocating me. I fell to the floor but I wasn't aware anymore. I had killed an innocent girl, she was so fucking innocent and I had killed her. I felt someone touching me but I couldn't breathe I was going numb. I didn't want to go numb, I deserved pain. Or maybe I was dying too and going to hell. Just before I was completely out I thought:

_Save her_.

I woke up in a white room. I had an IV in my arm. What the fuck?

_Hospital… Bella… her limp body in my arms… blood… her heart stopping._

"Bells" I took the fucking needle out and stood up. I went out of the room, I was dizzy but I didn't give a fuck about it. I needed to see her; I needed to know she was alive.

_Don't let her die, don't let her fucking die._

"Edward, what are you doing'" I turned around as soon as I saw my dad.

"I need to see her, where is she?" I wasn't really aware of things yet… why was I on a bed? Had I passed out? I could remember not being able to breathe…

"Son, calm down, you had a bad panic attack and you're dehydrated…" I didn't let him finish.

"I don't give a fuck about me Carlisle. Where the fuck is she?" I had tears in my eyes again. It was my fault, it was my fucking fault. If she survived… if she was alive, I was making it up to her. I wasn't letting her fall again.

"Come with me" my dad gave me a worried look and something told me he knew I was on drugs, but I didn't care. I only cared about her now.

I washed my hands when dad told me to and put the weird things he handed to me over my chucks. I entered the room and saw her surrounded by machines. She was alive… I swallowed the lump in my throat and came closer. She was so pale, she looked so sick, she looked so skinny… so damn skinny… I looked at her wrist, both with bandages and I let myself fall on the chair next to her bed. I grabbed one hand lightly, listening to her slow heartbeat and my hard breathing. I needed to cry so badly… but I couldn't. I didn't deserve that relief.

"I'm so sorry Bells… I'm so fucking sorry" I still had my warm hand in her cold one and my other hand supporting my head.

She was my reason for living now. I hadn't felt like I had a reason to be alive anymore, I had only been waiting for me to slip, overdose and die. But now I had a reason, now I had something to do… I had to fix a broken girl.

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**It goes up from here guys. Thank you for your support and have a good week.**


	11. Chapter 11

**I don't own Twilight, it's property of Stephenie Meyer. Most of descriptions and the plot are mine though.**

**Thank you so much for your awesome support and wonderful reviews. I'm really sorry it took me this long to write the next chapter and if I'm being honest I'm not sure if it's any good. But I didn't feel it was right to leave you so long without an update.**

**Kfoll**** your support means the world to me and the songs you sent me have helped me immensely. This is teamwork and I'm glad I have your help.**

**Here goes chappie 11.**

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I could see colors… they were moving. There was light but it was so soft I could barely see it in the pitch black. It was as if I were being surrounded by boreal lights, I felt as if my body was on fire. I could perceive some noises and fire touching my ribs… was I going to hell for killing myself? I needed peace… but the fire was oh so right. It was confusing. I fought and fought to get closer to the light, the fire never leaving my skin. It was brighter now, the light was a fingertip away… but when I finally touched it everything went black and the fire disappeared from my skin.

I felt as if my soul was trying to explode… or maybe it was my body. I felt a shockwave of electricity making the colors dance in front of my eyes again just before they disappeared and the darkness took over. Another shockwave, this time stronger, shook through me and this time the colors stayed. They weren't as colorful as before, just a mere shadow of the beautiful lightning. I couldn't feel the fire against my body anymore; I felt something different and not as right as the fire had felt. Even with the burning sensation I would pick the fire all over again, there was something soothing in it… it felt just like being carried to hell by an angel himself would have felt.

I was aware of winds surrounding me, I was cold. I felt something even colder running through me and also a sort of warmness begin but as soon as it came it went. I was so confused and so tired. Dying was tiring…

I was aware again. It didn't feel like hell but surely didn't feel like heaven either. There was something hot in my hand… too warm. The angel of death that had carried me before was again with me, were they preparing my soul? Did I have too many sins to wash? Wasn't I going to hell for killing myself? I heard a faint sound… it was similar to a beeping, but it was so slow… it made me feel tired again. Just before the darkness took over again I heard a smooth voice.

"_Sorry_"

He was taking me… finally…

My body hurt, it hurt badly. I was so cold and my head was throbbing. This time the beeping sound was stronger and there were a mixture of noises… the colorful lights began moving, spinning around me… make them stop… the beeping was faster… more noise… make it stop! And it stopped and darkness took over…

My throat was bothering me and so was my nose… you weren't supposed to feel anything while being dead, right? It wasn't possible to feel this uncomfortable being dead… Was I… I couldn't even begin to think about it. I was aware of the beeping now…

No… no… No!

I knew that sound, it couldn't be. I was aware of the smell, the cleaning products and a faint light coming from above my eyelids. I moved a finger slowly… sheets… hospital sheets…

No…

I could feel tears coming down my cheeks. I was alive, I had failed… again, another failure to add to my already too long list. My breathing became faster and a sob escaped my dry lips. I felt someone move beside me and then a hand grabbing mine. A much larger hand…

I opened my eyes immediately when I recognized who it was. And effectively a pair of green eyes was piercing through my soul. What was he doing here? This was a nightmare, this wasn't real. It wasn't real. I closed my eyes and whimpered when I felt his thumb rub circles on my hand. It wasn't real… it wasn't, it couldn't be.

"Calm down Bells, calm down"

Not real, not real, not real.

"Bella calm the fuck down" his voice sounded panicked and I opened my eyes again. I touched his hand. It felt real, it felt too real. There was no air. I looked to my side where the fast beeping was coming from and saw a shadow move. It was real. I whimpered and sobbed at the same time. I couldn't breathe. I was supposed to be dead. I wasn't supposed to be on a hospital bed with Edward by my side. This was just too surreal, this was the twilight zone and I didn't like it one bit.

I heard the door open and someone come into the room. By now my whole body was trembling and I was freaking out.

"Bella I need you to calm down or I'll have to sedate you" it was doctor Cullen and even though I tried to stay calm so he wouldn't sedate me, I couldn't. Maybe if they sedated me I would feel nothing. Maybe I wouldn't even think or dream. This couldn't be happening… just no. Why? Why was I alive?

"Bells please, I'll go… just calm down. I'll go…" the pleading tone of voice Edward was using only made me cry harder. I didn't understand… why was he here? Why had he found the courage to be next to me when we weren't even friends? But most importantly, why the heck did he care at all? He wasn't supposed to care and even less now I was supposed to be dead. Nothing made sense.

_Make me disappear…_

I had so many questions, but I was tired. My sobbing subsided a bit when the tiredness washed over me. I opened my eyes slowly, too slowly and saw Doctor Cullen by my side with a needle. He had sedated me. It was hard to focus.

"It won't make you sleep now, I can't fully sedate you right now Bella you're too weak for that" he squeezed my hand and it felt weird. Everything felt weird. I saw Doctor Cullen leave the room and murmur something to himself after giving Edward a look I didn't understand.

I was half aware of things; awake but asleep at the same time. I couldn't really move as my limbs felt heavy and, although I was seeing and hearing, I felt too tired to answer or to fully understand things. The rubbing on my hand began again and I moved my head to the side trying to keep my eyes open.

Edward was rubbing circles on my left hand with his thumb and his leg was bouncing up and down, up and down. His left hand was on his face and then tugging his hair. The rubbing was a bit harder now making my hand feel tingly. I looked down again paying more attention this time and saw the bandage all around my wrist. Oh… I felt a tear run from my left eye to my temple and into my hair and pillow. There was a difference between knowing that this was real and seeing the evidence. I was too tired to fight, couldn't they understand that? And what had I to fight for anyway? I let my breath out slowly and closed my eyes for a second feeling more tears fall down my face.

My left hand was suddenly between both of Edward's and I opened my eyes groggily. He hadn't been using because his eyes were green and he looked tired as hell. He also looked… broken? No, it couldn't be. It was hard to think straight… He seemed to be trying to tell me something with his eyes, or maybe it was just the medication running through my veins. I was being delusional. Edward began rubbing circles again with his right hand whilst his left held mine, I was suddenly sleepy. The soft noise of his leg moving up and down and up again, together with the slow beeping coming from the machine by my side and the soothing circles he was making on my hand, was lulling me to sleep.

"Sleep Bells"

And sleep I did.

I heard voices again. And I immediately recognized them.

"I'm staying, go rest"

What the heck was Sue doing here? This kept getting more and more surreal.

"I…" Edward?

"You need to rest and take a shower. Go" the force in Sue's voice surprised me. But what surprised me more was that Edward wanted to stay. I wasn't worth this, I just wanted to die. Was it that hard to understand?

I heard the door close and the chair next to my bed being moved.

"Stop"

I opened my eyes surprised. I hadn't done anything.

"Stop scratching your wrist Bella"

Sue looked tired but her eyes were gentle. I avoided her gaze and saw that I was indeed scratching my right wrist. It was an unconscious movement. Scratching when I felt stressed and wasn't able to cut myself. I didn't stop though, even if it was just the tiny bit of skin near the bandage. I didn't have to obey anyone; I didn't have to do as they said. I didn't even want to stay alive, yet they saved me. What for? There was nothing here for me. Were they some sort of sick sadistic people that enjoyed me being miserable?

I felt a hand over mine and I narrowed my eyes at Sue. They didn't have the power to decide for me anymore. Yes I was a minor but it wasn't as if someone had been looking after me all this time and Sue wasn't family. She didn't even have to be here. It was clear to me that I wasn't worth the worrying, I wasn't worth love, I wasn't worthy, Period.

"I can't let you do that" she sighed and removed her hand from mine. I immediately began scratching again and her hand stopped mine once again. What was with this woman suddenly caring? Yes she had appeared on my porch once but that was it. I knew little about her and it wasn't as if she had tried to build some kind of relationship with me, neither as a step-mother or whatever she was by being my father's girlfriend or as an acquaintance. I mentally cringed at the word step-mother without even trying to process the word mother in it. Everything was extremely weird as it was.

"I have to stay here otherwise a nurse will come. You're not allowed to be alone so don't expect me to leave your side unless someone's here with you" Sue's tone was calm yet sad but held authority… I couldn't even understand her motives for being here and less could I understand her tone. It had something… I couldn't put my finger on it.

"You've been out for days and you'll have to stay here for three more" I looked at her both annoyed and surprised. When was I supposed to try to kill myself again? Although I wasn't so sure anymore… I had failed… as usual. There was no way of succeeding, I never succeed at anything. I lost weight yet didn't manage to make myself even a little bit pretty, when I studied I was still a mediocre student, when I put my best effort into running I was still too clumsy and when I tried to take my own fucking life I failed. I felt tears running down my cheeks again. I was an emotional wreck. Maybe if someone tried to kill me they would have better luck.

"It's the procedure and you also have to attend therapy" this time I shook my head. I didn't need therapy, I wasn't crazy… maybe I was since the damn shadow would always appear; but what could another person do for me in that aspect? The answer was nothing. It was pointless; going to therapy was just a waste of time and money.

"You have to go" Sue continued talking even though I was shaking my head "There's a new therapist here and he will take your case, I met him today. His name is Emmett and he seems like a nice guy"

I wanted to tell her no. Besides Charlie, I wasn't used to speaking to people and it wasn't as if Charlie really cared about what I had to say. Oh Charlie, was he mad I hadn't succeeded in my attempt to kill myself? I needed to ask. He wasn't here. It didn't surprise me but it still hurt. I needed to ask Sue and I also needed to know why she was here. I opened my mouth but closed it again. I swallowed the lump in my throat and felt more tears fall. I couldn't bring myself to talk. I felt lost, just as lost as I did when I was cutting my wrists, even a bit more. Being alive was disconcerting.

"Here" Sue said handing me her phone. Typing hurt since my tendons seemed to scream in protest as I pressed the keyboard. I'd kill for a touch screen phone right now... This pain didn't distract me, I realized there was a difference between looking for pain and having it come your way unexpectedly. When I was finished I handed her the phone again still avoiding her gaze, I was just too confused right now to bring myself to care about being here talking to her but it didn't mean I had to look her in the eye. I didn't want to look at people now; it made my "alive state" way too real for my liking.

"Charlie is in Port Angeles" Sue's voice was hoarse and this time I looked at her. She had tears in her eyes "He didn't take this" she said gesturing to my wrist vaguely "very well. He doesn't want to see you right now" She looked so upset and when she closed her eyes to compose herself I instantly knew that she was lying. My father didn't want a thing to do with me anymore, I was sure of it. Maybe this time he could finally be happy with a perfect little family like the one he had with Sue and Leah.

"We got married last year" My breathing stopped…

Charlie got married? This woman was his wife and he didn't tell me? When did he even… "It was a small wedding, he said it was going to be painful for you to know and even more to be there but right now…" Sue took a deep breath and opened her tear filled eyes to look at my incredulous ones "Now, I realize it was painful for him. What he did all this time was wrong Bella. He's your father, he said you didn't mind him coming to my house and that you didn't want to come. He said both of you weren't moving in with Leah and me, or us with you, because it would be extremely difficult for you. I thought he was doing a good thing by coming and going… thought he would tell you about the wedding... I respected the things he asked me to do or not do but he lied about everything, all along, I don't think I know him anymore"

Why Sue was telling me this escaped my mind but also felt… good. She was being honest and although I didn't trust her, although it sounded a lot like Charlie in some ways, I just couldn't understand why she was telling me this about him… my father wasn't like that though. He couldn't be. Yes he was never home but, a liar? I couldn't believe that. I just couldn't.

"I'll probably get guardianship" this time I did look at her fully, frowning. What did she mean by get guardianship?

"I'm not explaining this now I think I've said enough for now... You need to rest."

Sue looked insecure all of a sudden. I kept frowning. I didn't expect to wake up to this. It wasn't as if I was expecting to be awake anyway and a part of me was sort of glad I seemed to be extremely confused over things or otherwise my feelings were going to push me over the edge again. Being alive after thinking you would never wake up again was disconcerting to say the least. And if you add people suddenly caring to that equation you get one fucked up suicidal girl. Suicide girl… I was one and yet the term didn't bother me. Being alive did.

I kept staring at the white ceiling trying to process everything. I couldn't take everything in, I was confused. Sue was by my side. She was my father's wife and apparently she was soon to be my guardian. Edward had been staying here for god knows how long. He was also clean and… he called me Bells. I felt tears prickle my eyes at that. It was my childhood nickname, a nickname only he would use. I felt the tears running down my temples before realizing that I was actually crying, the pain suddenly appearing inside of my chest all over again. This time it wasn't because of my fucked up head and pathetic life, but because I wished things were different. I wish I had been happy, I wish I had been skinny and felt beautiful, I wish I had friends and also a loving and caring father. I wish I hadn't felt the need to end my life. The pain came from the fact that I wanted someone to give me hope but I didn't feel I was worth it or that I deserved it. I was too fucked up now.

"Shush. It's okay Bella, It's okay" Sue was comforting me and that was all it took for me to start sobbing. I felt her hand on my hair stroking my curls softly and didn't attempt to take it away from me. I was too tired to fight, I had no strength left. I kept crying until I felt tired again and drifted back to sleep with Sue's hand still on my hair and her soft spoken words floating in the air.

When I woke up it wasn't Sue who was next to me but a tired looking Edward. I closed my eyes and prayed he would think I was asleep. I had had enough talking.

"I know you're awake. I won't bother you though" He was being nonchalant and I turned my head and opened my eyes to look at him. He was reading some magazine and drinking a bottle of coke. I could smell alcohol. Figures he would be the kind of boy who would sneak that kind of thing.

Edward's gaze went from the magazine to my face now and our eyes locked for the first time without me needing to say goodbye. Just a simple look and yet his eyes seemed to be trying to convey some meaning… I had seen him this morning or afternoon… or whenever it was. It wasn't the first time after what had happened but I was calm this time so I could fully understand it now. I closed my eyes. The events crashing back on me once again.

"They're gonna bring you some food later" I froze. I couldn't and wouldn't eat.

"You're eating" he said. I gave him an annoyed look; he had no right whatsoever to decide what I had to do. He just drank more coke with whatever he had added, gulping almost half the bottle and then pointing at me with it "they're gonna put a fucking feeding tube down your throat if you don't. So I suggest you, you better fucking eat something"

He was serious, completely serious and I was a bit surprised at how much he actually cursed. A feeding tube? I closed my eyes again defeated and put my hands on my face, the bandage tickling my nose. If I ate I had control over what I was eating and maybe would be able to purge… I scoffed, a bit muffled by my hand, that wasn't going to happen if I couldn't be alone. Yet I was the one controlling the amount of food and not a tube down my throat sending fat with a steady pace. I could always rip the bag or whatever they used but that meant they could get back at me by restraining me or something. Sometimes my paranoia was helpful. I had to try and eat something, something small and as fat free as possible. I had done that in the past.

I lowered my hands when I felt someone enter the room and, sure thing, a nurse was bringing food in with her. I didn't move or show weakness, if I wanted to get out of here I needed to make them believe I was fine with eating, even after trying to kill myself. I could do that, they hadn't seen a thing that indicated I was about to do what I did so I couldn't be that bad at pretending. I stared at my food. Beets apparently boiled and with oil over them. There were also smashed potatoes and eggs. I gulped. There was no way I was eating this. Oil, carbs, fat… _shit... shit… shit!_

I grabbed the plastic fork from its baggie and with a shaky hand brought it closer to the plastic plate. A sob escaped me when I realized I couldn't eat this. I just couldn't. If only the beets didn't have oil all over them… maybe I could have eaten a bite or two but this…. There was no way I was eating this. I lowered the fork with my shaking hand and gasped when I felt a hand on my shoulder. I had forgotten about Edward.

"Come on, you can do it. It can't be that fucking hard. I'll help you eat some of it if you just try and eat a little of each thing" I looked at him as if he had grown two heads. Edward Cullen was sitting by my side at a hospital offering to eat part of my food after I had tried to end my pathetic excuse of an existence. Wasn't he the one who disliked my body so much in the first place?

"It's just fucking food" he said a bit annoyed now but with a somewhat worried look. He was rubbing circles on my shoulder just as he had done with my hand. It was confusing as hell and, if I was being honest, a bit comforting which made me cry harder. His eyes weren't as green as they had been when I saw him after waking up the first time. He had obviously used something, not much but I could still see it in his slightly larger pupils that had nothing to do with light since it was just spotting his face as a damn reflector making every feature more noticeable. All the events from when I had woken up were once again crushing back on me; my emotions were all over the place. I was sobbing even though I had intended to be strong, even though I had thought I could just eat something…

"It's just food" he repeated slowly, softer and then he added "You need to eat, you're fucking weak Bells. It's just food…"

Without thinking what I was actually doing I spoke.

"I don't need it"

* * *

**Don't expect Edward to be a knight in a shiny armor and also remember Bella is really confused, she has just woken up after trying to kill herself. And oh Sue is one of my favourite characters.**

**It was a hard chapter and I'm not really happy with how short it is. I'll try to have the next one finished in two weeks or sooner.**

**I'll try to reply every review.**


	12. Chapter 12

**Twilight belongs to Stephenie Meyer. Most of descriptions and plot are mine though.**

**I will address this once. If you dislike my story feel free to stop reading, I'm not holding an Eagle against your temple. Constructive criticism is always welcomed but random rants complaining about the plot, characters, etc aren't. I don't live in the US and I try to do my best, I do research, a lot of it, before writing anything but some things just slip. I also take some freedom to twist things in the story, as you'll see with Emmett in this chapter. He's a peculiar professional based on the many ones I've seen through my own treatment and things my American friends have told me regards their own recovery. Anyways, my apologies for the things that don't seem coherent to you guys and try to keep in mind this is fiction, as close to reality as it can be but still fictional.**

**Kfoll, my wonderful beta, thank you, thank you, thank you. You rock girlie. **

**With you guys, chappie 12.**

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_**.**_

"_**Hold up. Hold on  
Don't be scared  
You'll never change what's been and gone  
May your smile (may your smile)  
Shine on (shine on)  
Don't be scared (don't be scared)  
Your destiny may keep you warm"**_

_**.**_

_**.  
**_

Edward's eyes, when I spoke to him after years of choosing silence, were probably a mirror of mine. His were wide, barely there green, tired. Mine were equally big, equally tired but with a contrasting brown. His Adams apple bobbed as he swallowed and I was glad he didn't make any comment about how I had just spoken to him. Instead all he said was "You _do_ need it".

I refused to acknowledge him after that. I closed my eyes and pretended that nothing was happening. This was too much for me. I felt someone pinching my nose and saw Edward standing there. I couldn't breathe. What the hell was he doing? I opened my mouth to take some much needed air and a spoon full of mashed potato immediately touched my tongue. I needed air. He was forcing me to eat. I swallowed while tears fell from my eyes. What was he doing? Was he insane? Why was he doing this to me? He didn't take his hand away and he was much stronger than me. I whimpered and shook my head but he didn't let go. I opened my mouth again and again until he stopped and I was a slobbering mess. I curled into a tiny ball in the fetal position, letting painful sobs erupt from deep within my soul. This was painful. This hurt too much. I felt his hand on my hair trying to soothe me and I flinched. I didn't need his twisted ways. He had just forced me to eat. There was no difference between him and a feeding tube.

After a moment, that could have been minutes or hours, my sobs had subsided and I was only sniffling. I was still curled up on the other side of the bed as far away as I could be from Edward. His hand had never abandoned its task of trying to calm me down, to ease some of my pain, pain he had caused. It seemed ironic that he was the one making me cry just to try to sooth me later. I heard the nurse come into the room and ask if everything was okay only to have Edward tell her I had just had a hard time eating. Of course I had, he had just shoved food down my throat. Realization hit me then. He could have choked me, I could have died if he hadn't have let go in time but I didn't. I had opened my mouth gasping for air, trying to breathe, trying to live. This only made my cry again. My head was a mess. I didn't know what I wanted anymore.

"Calm down Bells, I'm getting fucking tired of saying it but you need to calm the fuck down"

I looked at him with angry eyes. I couldn't calm down and he couldn't decide for me. He had already made me do something I didn't want to. Edward had the decency to look apologetic and put his hands up in surrender. I lifted my knees up and put my head over them, pressing my forehead against my knee caps. I felt, rather than heard, Edward sit back on the chair besides my bed and then put his head on said bed. I shifted my head a little and saw him running his hands through his hair.

"I don't know how to do this and I'll probably fuck up over and over. But I wanna help you, okay? I really fucking do. I'm pretty fucked up myself but all this shit is basically my fault so just… forgive me for fucking things up. For fucking _you_ up" Edward's voice became muffled by the white sheets and bed cover but I could still hear him clearly.

To say I was stunned was the understatement of the century. He thought this was his fault? Sure he had a lot to do with it, but it wasn't all him. What if I had had a nice house to go to? What if I had had at least one friend? Or what if my mother had never left? The 'what ifs' were too many to point to a single cause which to me meant that this wasn't only his fault. I did blame him for his actions but not for all the fucked up things that had happened to me. Edward had been an ass, and still was, but I wasn't naïve enough to believe things would have been any different if it wasn't for him. The bomb had begun ticking since I was a kid. I had never been normal, life just made it worse.

"You don't have to do this" My voice was so weak and tired I almost couldn't hear it myself. It was odd talking to him after so long but for some reason it was… easier than trying to talk to other people. We were both fucked up as he so easily put it.

"I want to… no, I _need_ to. I fucking do Bells" Edward raised his head and gave me a tired look that held some emotion unknown to me. I could see his demons dancing behind his dilated pupils. And, only because of that, I decided to stop fighting him for today.

"Stop calling me Bells" I pleaded and hid my face on my knees again.

"I can't, not if I need to do this. Your nickname is the only last fucking hope I have and it might not be enough"

Both Edward and I threw ourselves back and stared at the white ceiling but I decided to let it go. There were already too many things I needed to think about.

**…**

When I woke up it was sometime around, whatever day it was, morning. I needed to ask what day of the week it was. Sue was by my bed with a magazine and a pen playing some game. I sighed. I wasn't going anywhere nor was I going to be left alone.

"Good morning" she said looking up from her magazine to me. She looked a little less tired than the previous day but I could still see bags under her eyes. I wondered who was taking care of Leah, was it Charlie? I nodded making it clear I had heard her. Why I didn't talk to her if I had already talked to Edward was something I didn't know though, maybe it was the whole being fucked up thing I had thought about the previous day.

"Your shrink, Emmett, will visit you today" Sue said while putting the magazine on a small table and the pen in the small light brown bag she was carrying. She had a nice floral shirt on and black eyeliner making her hazel eyes look bigger. She was a beautiful woman who seemed to carry a lifetime of experience in her years.

"I talked to Charlie" she continued only this time her voice was softer. I nodded again for her to continue. "He's the one who's trying to give me temporary guardianship. He was offered a new job in Port Angeles some time ago, a promotion I think it is. He hasn't really told me much about the job but he won't be able to take care of you" Sue scoffed annoyed at that statement. "I could tell them about Charlie's lack of responsibility when it comes to you but that would mean you'd be placed in a foster home and I don't think that would be the best for you right now, neither does your shrink so…" she ran a hand through her blond hair and sighed. "What happened with your father will stay between us until we can figure out what to do."

I could understand Sue's logic with this. I didn't want to be placed into a foster home even if I technically didn't know Sue. However I knew a lot about Leah's perfection from Charlie which meant she couldn't be that horrible. Would she treat me well? I hoped she would while I decided what to do with my life, whether I was going to attempt suicide again or let things flow. Did I have to bond with Leah? I asked Sue for the pen and she gave me her phone. Apparently I wasn't trustworthy. How much hurt could a pen do? I couldn't bring myself to think about the possibilities while at hospital. I only typed one word and found out my wrists didn't hurt so much. Sue took the phone from me and looked at the screen, a small smile forming on her pale pink lips.

"Leah is staying with her grandmother and will be staying there for a while" I looked at her horrified, she wasn't much different from Charlie. And I was supposed to be 'taken care of' by her? "No Bella it's not like that" She shook her head with her small smile still in place and a proud look in her eyes. "Leah is fourteen which means she's able to understand things more than I'd like her to. She knows about what happened to you and she feels guilty"

My mouth fell open at that. Why would Leah feel guilty? It was my father's choice to spend time with her. She shouldn't feel guilty for being the perfect child that any person with a fucked up kid like me would love to have as his own daughter.

"Leah's father died in a car accident when I was pregnant. She never knew what having a father was like, so when she met your father and she had that kind of bonding she had always craved she was really happy" Sue's smile had disappeared completely by now. "Now that she knows that it wasn't your choice to be away from Charlie as she had seen with other kids your age, she feels guilty for spending so much time with him, time she believes was yours"

I could feel tears in my eyes. They were better than me, no wonder Charlie preferred them over me.

"She decided to stay with her grandmother while I'm with you. I'll still get to see her every day and see how to make plans for the weekends. I'm only worried about Irina spoiling her rotten" Sue gave me a tentative smile and I tried to give a small one of my own but I couldn't do it. She seemed to appreciate the gesture though. "Leah wrote you a letter but I'll ask Emmett before giving it to you, I don't think I can let you have it either" she squeezed my hand and in that moment a new nurse came into the room.

I was momentarily stunned. If I didn't know she worked for the hospital I would have thought she was a model. Model nurse had long blond shiny hair, blue eyes, a perfect mouth and nose and a beautiful slim body. She gave me a friendly smile and began reading the file at the bottom of my bed and then checking some things on my IV.

"My name's Rosalie and we're going to see each other from now on" Rosalie also had a nice voice. It was unbelievable. "You seem to be getting better sooner than we expected. That's a good thing, Definitely a good thing." I gave her an incredulous look; I had tried to kill myself, why the hell was me getting better a good thing for me? Rosalie laughed and I felt myself freeze before I realized it was not a malicious laugh but she seemed to be laughing at something she thought. I was confused. "It won't seem to be a good thing for you now, but trust me it gets better" she winked at me with a warm look in her eyes and began to leave the room before she stopped herself and spoke again. "I'll tell Emmett to come and see you and I'll bring something for you to nourish your body."

I was shocked. The whole thing since I woke up was surreal. First Edward caring and feeling guilty plus forcing me to eat, then Sue wanting to help me and take care of me, then Leah feeling guilty without reason and now some ridiculously good looking nurse being overly friendly. Nothing made sense anymore. I stayed quiet looking at the rare sun shining weak in between clouds in Fork's usually grey sky. I needed a shower and to brush my teeth. I was also cold, the room was chilly even with the heater obviously on. Rosalie came back in the room with what looked like a smoothie and then there was a knock on the door. A man about Edward's height, well built and with curly dark brown, almost black, hair was standing near the door frame dressed in a white doctor's coat with black slacks. His presence was quite impressive and I put two and two together. That had to be Emmett, my shrink. God help me!

"Good morning ladies" He came into the room walking with surprising ease and grace considering his size. Being closer to me now, I could see how broad his shoulders were and I calculated he had to be a good 6 feet 4 inches tall but his built physique made him look bigger than his actual height. He could pass for a football player. He sat at the end of my bed putting his right foot over his left knee and quietly thanked Rosalie when she placed the smoothie on my table. Rosalie moved so she was staying behind Emmett… Emmett, his name sounded familiar, like I had heard it before.

"Sue, would you mind waiting outside while I talk to Bella?" He gave Sue a small smile which turned into a reassuring one once he had shifted his attention from Sue to me again.

"Of course, I'll be right back once you're finished" Sue took the magazine with her and, before leaving, squeezed my hand again. I was at a loss when it came to this woman's behavior.

Sue left the room and closed the door behind her and suddenly I was alone in a room with two people I had just met. I felt cold sweat beginning to dampen my skin, especially my hands and I refused to look at Emmett or Rosalie. I didn't want to have a panic attack in front of them and I was doing my best to control it, although my breathing was far from normal.

"Okay Bella first of all, as you surely already know, I'm Emmett and I'll try to help you through recovery. That's of course if you _want_ to get better" Emmett's voice had changed and he seemed to be in all doctor mode now. "It will take time but if you are willing to cooperate you'll be meeting me twice a week and, once you're ready, attending group therapy in Port Angeles once a week" I nodded since I thought he was waiting on some sort of response from me. "If I feel like you're lying to me and hurting yourself behind my back I'll have to talk to Sue and you'll have to begin an inpatient treatment in a facility specializing in your problems. Are we clear?"

This time I did look at him since, even though his voice was gentle, there was an authoritative tone to it. I was met with a pair of blue eyes that seemed all too familiar. I was momentarily distracted by his eyes before I realized he was waiting for my answer. I didn't want to go to a treatment center that was for sure. Maybe I could be smart enough to fool him although he obviously would realize… I had no choice. I had to do what he said for a while at least. I nodded again and he sighed.

"I won't pressure you to talk now but I expect you to one day, Soon." Emmett gave me a pointed look but smiled afterwards taking some of the uneasiness away from his previous statement. I wasn't so fond of talking to him. "You'll have my phone number as well as Rosalie's. She actually works with me both here and in Port Angeles and trust me when I say you'd like to call her if you are having a hard time with your eating disorder" I closed my eyes at that. I couldn't think those words; I couldn't repeat them or acknowledge them. "It will take time for you to acknowledge your illness Bella. I'll see you in a few days" Emmet stood up and smiled at me and after fixing his coat he gestured towards the smoothie Rosalie had brought. "Rose got that for you, try to drink it. It doesn't even have sugar" he shook his head and left.

Once Emmet was out of the room Rosalie sat close to me and handed me the pink/orange liquid. I was afraid to drink it. Did it have milk? What was it made of? How many calories did it have? Was it true that they hadn't put sugar in it? I was going into panic mode again. I felt a soft hand over mine.

"I promise you it doesn't have sugar. It's made of fruit and water. It's gonna give you vitamins and no fat. Zero" Rosalie smiled at me. There had been too many smiles today. There had to be a trick somewhere, they weren't giving me something with a lot of fat in it. There had to be a trick.

Rosalie must have seen my incredulous look because she spoke again.

"As much as we need you to gain weight there's no point in freaking you out by giving you real food now. It's not as if you'd be able to digest meat or high calorie food anyway. It'll only make you sick" she had a look of disgust on her face and I felt like I was missing something. Rosalie just smiled again. "Been there, done that. It gets better" she shrugged and encouraged me to drink. Did that mean she had gone through the same? She went on a diet and then lost her willingness to eat because not eating was better than doing it?

I managed to drink half of it and Rosalie looked pleased. She stayed with me talking and helping me with some of my necessities which made me blush. Apparently the whole not being alone thing was still ruling. When she said "you'll stop hearing her or him one day, it will only happen once in a while" I lost it. The tears didn't seem to stop and I was glad she didn't ask me to stay quiet, calm and collected and neither did she say empty unnecessary words. Rosalie stood close to me and handed me tissues. Even though I could tell she knew about what I was going through I couldn't feel close to her. I wasn't used to people being nice to me all the time. I wasn't used to people being nice to me at all. Period.

I spent lunch time with Sue and managed to choke down a few bites of food. I had had enough and I could feel traitor tears in my eyes again. Sue didn't say anything while I was crying. I saw Doctor Cullen again and he talked to me for a few minutes before leaving, I was getting better but I still had to stay for another 24 hours. He also wanted me to come again as soon as I was discharged and he said I was lucky I didn't have to stay in the psychiatric ward. It seemed like they had some faith in me and some major trust in Sue not leaving me alone. There were nurses coming in and out but Rosalie only came back once after I had finished my lunch, or what I could eat of my lunch. I was bored during the afternoon and I didn't feel like sleeping. I wasn't tired and I needed to exercise. I was moving as much as I could while sitting on the uncomfortable hospital bed when Sue let me play some of the games she had in her magazine. I nodded at her again before beginning to try to find some of the words she hadn't found yet. All the time she was watching me. I still wasn't trustworthy enough to have pointy objects.

My word game playing ending when one of the words was "useless" and I had begun crying again. I was so screwed I couldn't even play stupid word games. Sue took the offending magazine from me and put it in her bag again. I was also feeling like shit because she was staying with me and being away from her daughter and that made me cry harder. Sue, seeming to have some mind reading power, began talking to me and told me she was seeing Leah after leaving the hospital. I was momentarily relieved to have some alone time when she told me Edward was coming again. I would need weeks to even begin to think about everything that had happened. Sue's phone bleeped and a nurse came into my room. It was Edward who was texting Sue saying he had arrived at the hospital. Sue touched my cheek briefly wishing me good night and, after telling the nurse to stay until my "friend" arrived, left and I just sat there trying to keep new tears at bay. I had cried a whole lot today.

Edward came into the room once the nurse saw him standing at the door so she could leave. The bags under his eyes were darker and his hair was messier. He looked tired but as handsome as usual. His dark grey hoodie made a kind of contrast against his skin that made him look paler. He seemed a ghost or some sort of dark angel sent either from heaven or hell, taking a life of purgatory on Earth. He sat on his usual spot running a hand through his hair but still not looking at me. He raised his head and our eyes met. His pupils were huge and I realized he hadn't stopped moving his leg and hands since he sat down. Whatever he was taking wasn't a mild drug and if I wasn't so tired and confused I'd ask him what was wrong. I tried to believe that made me a better person than him, but I couldn't fool myself. Nobody ever liked me, there had to be something wrong with me.

I kept staring at those black pupils that seemed more like dark holes, taking everything in, retaining, containing, expanding… There was so much, there was just so much behind his look it was scary to see. What was happening to him? Was everything related to his guilt? No, there was more. I didn't know if I wanted to be near him, it could be destructive but after all I was already broken; there wasn't anything left for him to destroy. I swallowed back tears, I felt like I was dehydrated after so much crying. I was a desert, lost in the middle of nowhere, dry, empty and the little bit of life I had in me wasn't something people would want to look at, something people would like to meet and discover. I wasn't worth it.

"I brought you something" Edward shifted his eyes from me to his pocket and took an iPod out of it. I had to guess it had belonged to him since it wasn't one of the newest and I had seen him use a new black one often at school. I gave him a skeptical look and took the grey iPod from him. "I created a playlist and added some random songs too. I'm not sure but I guess some music may help?" it came out as a question and without thinking about it I ran my fingers over the iPod, feeling myself get confused again but for different reasons. "I know it's just fucking music anyway so don't even try to thank me"

I rolled my eyes at that, I wasn't going to. I could barely process the fact that I was just given music by him. I put an ear bud in and after turning the iPod on I hit the playlist called 'Bells'. I immediately recognized the song and after less than a minute I had tears falling from my eyes again.

"_'cause all of the stars__are fading away__. __Just try not to worry__. __You'll see them some day__Take what you need__ a__nd be on your way__. __And stop crying your heart out"_

I looked up from the iPod to Edward and gave him the other ear bud. I watched him listen to the lyrics and close his eyes tightly shut as if the song touched some deep emotion in him too. Maybe hope wasn't that lost after all.

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**I took more than a week but finally, FINALLY I was able to finish it. You'll have to keep in mind both Edward and Bella are on a rollercoaster, the story probably is. This has basically been the calm before the storm. Recovery ain't pretty, there's a lot of rubbish being said, and let's not forget the tears, lies… not pretty I tell you. Add Edward to that picture, interesting combo isn't it?**

**Thank you for your support and wonderful reviews, I think I managed to answer every single one and if I forgot to answer yours I'm sorry, I can't seem to remember which review I answered and which one I didn't.**

**See you in two weeks.**


	13. Chapter 13

**Twilight belongs to Stephenie Meyer. Plot and most of descriptions are mine. **

**Thank you for amazing reviews! You're amazing. Sorry this chapter is so short, I had writer's block because I kept trying to think of it as another BPOV and Edward was having none of it. Once I let Edward talk the words flew. It's still short though.**

**Have you seen Breaking Dawn Part 2? I've seen it twice and oh my god, it's brilliant!**

**I'm sitting for a final on the second week of December, so please be patient with me. I'm really stressed out.**

**Kfoll, thank you thank you!_ My beta brings all the boys to the yard_!**

**Here comes chappie 13**

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**:: EPOV**

"_**Disarm you with a smile**__**  
And cut you like you want me to**__**  
Cut that little child**__**  
Inside of me and such a part of you**__**  
Ooh, the years burn**_

_**I used to be a little boy**__**  
So old in my shoes**__**  
And what I choose is my choice**__**  
What's a boy supposed to do?**__**"**_

Those days at the hospital, staying by Bells' side, were the hardest. Even harder than the period after my mother lost the baby… or close to it. The guilt was so all consuming, that I could barely contain it. I felt like it was ripping me apart. Looking at her frail form lying immobile on the hospital bed, with her sharp bones pointing at my faults, bandages covering the smallest but almost fatal sign of surrender, made me feel like my heart was being stabbed repeatedly. I couldn't use, my father was too aware… he knew something was up but knowing him he wouldn't bring it up unless he had no choice. I ended up using anyway. I didn't want to turn to coke but I couldn't be so hyper, it was dangerous. Drinking water constantly, always moving, listening to music… it wasn't possible. I was using really small doses and only when I felt like I couldn't hold on anymore. I only used when I felt like crying and begging for forgiveness from an unconscious girl who most likely couldn't hear me anyway. I couldn't be weak; if I wanted to be next to her and help her, I couldn't be weak. I had to be strong and it wasn't like I deserved wallowing in self-pity, I was a waste of space. Or not really, a waste of space doesn't destroy people's lives with his fucked up actions. I was fucked up and my actions, my life, everything about me were as well. I would always choose a life of punishment over an easy death. That was the difference between Bells and me, she was good. She was weak as fuck and a part of me still hated that, but her clean conscience was what led her to try to commit suicide. She could die without having the weight of a lifetime of sins on her shoulders. I envied that in some way… kind of. It would only last for a second, until my guilt would make its way up and remind me I couldn't even dream of a different situation, of a different life, of a different future, of a different me. I didn't deserve it.

Sue, who I learnt was Charlie's wife, was at the hospital from the day after Bells was admitted. She was a nice woman; she seemed to feel guilty too. I didn't know the Chief had a wife, but it wasn't like I really knew much about most people in town. I had a bad feeling about the Chief and talking to Sue, while Bells was unconscious, gave me my answer. Charlie Swan was a disaster as a father, she didn't tell me much, but I knew he didn't care about Bella and that was enough for me. It only made me feel guiltier, if she didn't have someone to pay attention to her at home and then she had me being a fucking asshole to her at school, how was she even supposed to overcome her issues? What if I had been the cause of them? What if me treating her badly made her sick? Of course it did, she was a fucking skeleton for fuck's sake, and it was me who had told her horrible things about her body. When that thought hit me again I had to run to the bathroom and vomit bile. I hadn't eaten in a long time. Sue made me go to my house and rest. Rest… that wasn't going to happen and not in my house.

The moment my foot hit home I was met with the judgmental stare of my mother. It was no news to me that she thought I was guilty. I didn't know what she had been saying to my father, because honestly they didn't know shit. But I had the feeling my attitude towards Bells gave me away. I went to the refrigerator and grabbed something to eat without even paying attention to what I was grabbing. When I closed the door my mom was still there. I felt uncomfortable. I felt naked in a way. After all the memories had been removed not long ago this wasn't what I needed.

"Mom" I said with a voice I didn't recognize. I was scared of my own mother. Not because I thought she was going to hit me, again, but because the way she resented me and didn't try to hide it most of the time, made me want to crawl into my bed. I preferred my mom trying to play happy families, at least then she would be nice to me.

"Will you tell me why you feel so guilty about what happened to Bella? What have you done now?" Her eyes were just as cold as her voice and my hands began to shake. I could feel tears prick my eyes. I had to leave. I wasn't a little boy anymore, I couldn't cry.

"I'll talk to you later, Mom. I'm tired." I left without taking the food with me. I wasn't in the mood for eating anymore. Thinking of how much I had pursued my parents' approval, how much I had thought of them until I turned fourteen, made me feel sick.

I used more than usual that afternoon. I didn't sleep and I wasn't able to eat either. I went downstairs to grab a cherry coke and actually laughed at my mom when she scoffed at my choice of drink. I flipped her off when she turned her back and while leaving shouted over my shoulder.

"_Love you too, Mom_".

She didn't answer. The good thing about using coke was not being able to feel the hurt. I wasn't as hyper or excited as I was with Molly, but right now I didn't need that fucking fake feeling of happiness. Right now I needed to endure things, help Bells and then destiny would tell. I didn't really give a shit about myself anymore. I only had to keep myself strong, lessen my guilt, try to find some mental peace… yeah that's what I needed. Coke made me feel much less vulnerable to those things, made me feel untouchable. I smoked in my room, drinking the cherry coke with vodka with my mind set on my next visit to the hospital. The teachers could go fuck themselves for all I cared.

When Bells woke up I was sober, no drugs, no alcohol, nothing. It was painful as hell. She was so scared when she opened her eyes, she looked so broken, and she was desperate because she wasn't dead. I rubbed circles on her hand with my thumb, I even offered to leave so she would calm down but my father had to sedate her and I needed so much to be collected, to be calm, and to be strong for her. But my own heart was breaking for her; I had damaged her so badly. I tried to tell her with my eyes how much I cared, how sorry I was. I tried to convey with my eyes, while I was clean, how much I was feeling because I wouldn't be able to do it anymore. I wouldn't be able to stay clean if I wanted to help her, I would only bring us both down that way. I felt too much guilt over what had happened to stay clean and help her. One of us needed to get better and that one was her. I wouldn't let her fall again. I had to help her; you had to fix what you'd broken even if that meant breaking yourself along the way. It was the right thing to do, what I felt and needed to do.

Leaving Bells when Sue ordered me to go home was hard, I had so much to say. I knew it wasn't the right moment though. When I got home I took a really short nap from which I woke just as tired; I had only slept for an hour. After taking a much needed shower and eating something I met Alice in her room. She was planning on moving to Jasper's.

"Edward, you are my brother and I love you. You know I do. But…" Alice looked around sadly as if trying to find the right words. I didn't want her to leave me. I couldn't stay here alone, I didn't care if we didn't talk, she was two feet away from me not in a different house… "But this place, I cannot call it home Edward, neither can you." She took my hand but I wasn't having any of it. I was going to miss her so much and I knew our parents would either be pissed at her or fucking clueless as usual as to why their daughter was moving to her boyfriend's house. We were both legal adults; maybe I should be able to do the same, use the money Grandpa Cullen left us and leave…

"Good luck Ally, I love you." I kissed her forehead and left. I really loved my sister and I hoped, in the bottom of my almost non feeling heart, that she could be happier. Jasper was a good guy and his parents were even better people, I knew they loved Alice very much and were actually pretty supportive of their relationship, as fucked up as it had been the past weeks.

I used some more coke in my car and took a drink with some added vodka to the hospital with me. I felt as if I had just gone through hell, yet I wasn't tired anymore. Sue was leaving after I arrived so I could stay with Bells, she wasn't allowed to stay alone and I knew she was actually lucky not to be staying in the psychiatric ward. My father was a nice doctor, too bad that Doctor Cullen and Carlisle Cullen didn't seem to be the same person. Or maybe it was just me, fucking things up, being delusional…

The drugs helped me deal with Bella and I was glad I wasn't clean when the food arrived. There was a difference between looking at a girl with an eating disorder and seeing her behavior around food. The fear in her eyes, the way she seemed to be calculating how much it could fatten her up, her quick breaths, shaking hands… I didn't know if she was actually aware of the way her body reacted to the mere sight of food. She had to eat and that wasn't negotiable. I rubbed circles on her back, trying to comfort her and I even went as far as offering to eat part of her food. I changed the tone of my voice, trying to shake some sense into her, she was so weak, and she needed to eat but she didn't seem to notice how bad things were with her health. She needed food. But it was obvious how strong the hold her eating disorder had on her when she talked to me.

Saying I was shocked was putting it mildly. I hadn't heard her voice in such a fucking long time. It sounded different, weaker, raspier, and yet so girly, so young. My own voice had changed over the years and it was far more manly than the fifteen year old me. Hers, on the other hand, was just as sweet only carrying proof of her condition, both mental and physical. There was no escaping it when it came to witnessing Bells' broken self. But that was all I needed for an idea. I couldn't sit and let her die by starving herself and I knew that if they ever put a feeding tube down her nose she was going to find the way to fool them, she had been fooling people for months… she wasn't going to fool me from now on. I had to be an ass to her, she might even be able to hate me more, she would think I didn't give a shit about her, but in all honesty not letting her fall again and forcing her little by little was the only thing I could think of. I would take the tears, the screams, the death glares; I would take anything as long as I made sure she was getting better. I had drugs to help me with the pain those things would cause me. Coke could stop that pain coming my way and once she was okay I would stop using and let it come crushing down.

I forced her to eat; glad that a part of me was fucking numb when I saw her cry. The amount of food I made her eat wasn't even close to what a six year old girl would eat and yet she broke down as if I had forced her to eat everything on her plate. I had a lump in my throat but didn't feel the need to cry. It was a strange feeling. I sat on the bed and rubbed her bony back while she sobbed. She looked so young in that position, much younger. Her shrunken form made her look like a kid. I'd been losing weight myself lately, I wasn't stupid, not sleeping well and eating much less than what you needed did that to you. The difference between us was I didn't feel hungry, I had no problems with food and actually liked it very much, but since I had began snorting cocaine my body had other plans than following its old routine. I was getting fucking tired of rubbing her back without her stopping the crying, she was going to pass out if she kept breathing like that and it was scaring me the fuck out. I needed her to calm down. So I did the only thing I could do.

"Calm down Bells, I'm getting fucking tired of saying it but you need to calm the fuck down."

I was an ass to her again. She gave me an angry look and I lifted my hands up, putting my best sorry face on. I wasn't sorry at all, I needed her to calm down and it worked. She could punch me for all I cared; I doubted I'd feel anything anyway. I sat back on the uncomfortable hospital chair by Bells' side and put my head on the bed, running my hands through my hair. I needed to give her some explanation, some sort of apology. Something, whatever. I wasn't good with words that much was clear, but she deserved them. I was going to fuck things up for sure and I needed her to let me be by her side, she needed to know I was sorry. She needed to know I cared, for real.

"I don't know how to do this and I'll probably fuck up over and over. But I wanna help you, okay? I really fucking do. I'm pretty fucked up myself but all this shit is basically my fault so just… forgive me for fucking things up. For fucking _you_ up"

I waited for her to talk to me again; I waited for her to at least say okay. It was selfish of me really; she didn't have to do that shit to please me. But Bells, always the pleaser, did.

"You don't have to do this." She sounded so insecure using her own voice, speaking her mind. But she was wrong, she was so fucking wrong. Her attitude only made me feel shittier. I needed another line.

"I want to… no, I _need_ to. I fucking do Bells."

Can you tell how much I need this, Bells? Can you tell how fucked I am? How much I need to do the right thing for once?

"Stop calling me Bells." I knew the name would hurt her, it hurt me too. I felt like a hypocrite calling her by that nickname again. We were both so different from the kids we had once been. I'd had to grow up early at home, take care of myself, I was constantly being told how useless I was and getting into shit after what happened with mom, after what I did…

Hope. I needed hope; calling her by a simple nickname was _hope_. But I wasn't naïve, it had been a long time since I had been a naïve little boy. Hope wasn't enough, real life and shitty things would fuck you up over and over until you'd fall to the ground… hope was just what you had to grab onto to make yourself steady while shit blew your way. Drugs could help me deal with shit but I needed to feel a bit of hope to find the reason why I'd put us through what was to come.

"I can't, not if I need to do this. Your nickname is the only last fucking hope I have and it might not be enough." Being honest was the best thing I could do at the moment. I was done lying to her.

When she began drifting off to sleep I sat there reading my magazine - or trying to would actually be more accurate. I was at a loss with her, with what I had to do. Maybe I had to Google things, do some research. That could probably be good, that could probably help me help her- as cliché as that sounded. There was no drink left in my bottle and I was feeling weary. Her restless, sleeping form made the hairs of my body stand on end. A nasty voice at the back of my head reminded me of things I didn't want nor need to think about. My Mom yelling at me with tears in her eyes, my dad punching me in the face…

I looked for cameras in the room. I saw none but I wasn't sure. You could never be too sure of stuff. I went to the little bathroom and did two lines. Having a baggie of coke inside my pocket wasn't the best choice, but leaving it in my car made me feel more anxious. It was the hospital's parking lot which meant my dad could be there and get too interested in my car. There was no fucking way I was letting him ruin the only good thing I had. Because right now, drugs were the only thing that made me keep going. Helping Bells was my reason, something to do, a purpose. But there was no chance I could do it while being as fucked up as I was. Coke was good, coke was my best friend right now and that should tell you how much friends would last. I was best friends with Molly a while ago. I laughed at that, my new friend was now running through my bloodstream. I was finally able to sit there looking at her sleeping form without needing to crawl out of my skin. I felt numb.

I didn't sleep and left in the morning, once Sue had arrived. She gave me a worried look, I had the feeling she was probably as worried about me as she was about Bells. She didn't need to be. I smiled at her, mainly because I had done another two lines not long before she arrived and I was feeling much better. I had to feel better soon, Alice was telling my parents the news today and that wasn't going to be pretty. Whatever happened would hurt Alice, I knew that. She never showed anything and she would always talk to Jasper, but our parent's indifference had changed her. She was lucky to get indifference and not disgust. I had told her as much once but she just gave me a weak smile. Fucking Alice and her fucking secret ways of dealing with shit. She had managed to be pretty straightforward when she told me she didn't need me. She was definitely my twin.

I could hear the screaming from the front yard as I pulled over. It was my Mom's voice and it surprised me since she was always much more collected around Alice. Shit would always fly my way when it came to Mom… and Dad. They pretty much forgot Alice was there most of the time since Alice had given up forming a real bond with them a while before the baby thing happened.

"Here goes fucking nothing." I mumbled before opening the door. Three pairs of eyes settled on me and the screaming stopped. I smiled because I was that screwed.

"Aww stop looking at me with so much love, you're making me blush." I laughed a bit at my Mom's face. If looks could kill I would have been six feet underground.

"Are you drunk again Edward? Have you been driving drunk with people seeing you? I cannot believe you!" My mother threw her arms in the air exasperated. Whatever Alice had just said hadn't had a good effect on our Mother.

"Why Ma, thank you for appreciating a joke from your son. Love you too" I nodded with a straight face only to piss her off even more. My sister's face was red and I could tell she was about to cry. "What's the lovely reunion for?" I was going for the full effect by not cursing. Alice didn't deserve this shit. I let the wall behind me support my weight, the smile never fading from my face.

"Stop being disrespectful to your mother Edward, this is serious. And for Christ's sake stop talking that way, it doesn't suit you". My Father was pissed and he was pinching the bridge of his nose. I laughed. "Alice, I can't tell you what to do anymore since you're a legal adult and I have better things to do at the hospital. So excuse me, but I really have to leave now. Just be safe, you are attending college next fall."

Alice was shocked, I could tell, but she recovered quickly. Her eyes still held tears. My parents were fucking idiots.

"I'm done with you Alice. I already told you what I think about this nonsense. Don't come to me crying when you get pregnant and find yourself without a father for your baby." Mom ran her hands through her hair just like I usually did and then focused on me again. I raised my eyebrows amused. "And you, Edward, stop the drinking. This whole emo act you've been putting on has to stop now. You need to face all the mistakes and hurt you've caused so far already. Grow up!" She left the room huffing and murmuring things I couldn't hear. It was clear what she was talking about. She wasn't talking about Bells.

Alice was sitting on the stairs crying silently. I went to her and made her stand up by grabbing her arms and pulling her up.

"Ow!" she rubbed the place my hand had been two seconds earlier. So whiny…

"Sorry. Come on, you need to leave the fuck now Al."

I helped my sister pack her things while some angst-y music was blasting through her audio system. It gave me what I thought was a great idea. I charged an old iPod and made a playlist for Bells while my sister was showering. I took a quick shower and shaved. After getting dressed, I did a few lines. My sister was leaving home and she was leaving the state in a few months. I knew Emmet had just come back, Sue had told me and I still had to confront dad about it. My cousin was back and he hadn't said anything! And the best of it all was that my own fucking cousin was going to be Bell's shrink. The world was one fucked up place.

Alice gave me a quick hug, after I helped her get her things in her car. She never liked saying goodbye. To us this was goodbye, we would see each other at school but the chances of meeting in a different place were small.

"Take care, Edward. You don't fool me brother." She put her hand on my cheek for a few seconds while looking into my eyes. She was making her point clear, she never liked my ways. She knew about the drugs, she could see it and chose to say something instead of ignoring it.

Don't leave Al. Don't leave me, I wanted to say. But I knew better. She deserved to be happy. I pushed her away from me. As much as I wanted her to stay, or as I sad as I should have felt because she was leaving, I couldn't bring myself to acknowledge this. I was past feeling by now.

"Leave, Alice." She backed away and just before closing her car door she added something.

"Behind those dark, dilated pupils is my brother. Tell him I haven't forgotten him." She drove away and I didn't feel the absence.

I went back inside ready to grab my old iPod and leave but my mother had better ideas.

"You're both so ungrateful. I don't deserve children like you two." She was sitting in the living room; glass in her hand, proving this had been more stressful for her than she'd shown. My Mom only drank when things got too much for her. She drank when she couldn't handle not being the perfect wife and mother. When her world of lies came crashing down.

"No, you're right. You don't deserve Alice." She didn't, she never deserved my sister. Alice was too good for her. I, on the other hand, had fucked up her life. I couldn't complain about anything.

I did more lines in my room, took the iPod and drove my car as fast as I could. I was in a good mood. I texted Sue, letting her know I was on my way, so she could go and see her daughter. My mind was spinning so fast over everything, that I had no clear thoughts. I felt as if I was on a ride, seeing faces, hearing people, dealing with shit, trying to make things right, walking, breathing, using, over and over again. I knew that once the ride slowed down, things would get real again. I would have to actually acknowledge this, there was going to be no more spinning and that scared me the fuck out.

I was thankful that I didn't see Sue on my way, that woman could take things from only your appearance and mine wasn't the best right now. Dilated pupils, tired face, smile out of place. I stopped smiling once I reached Bells' room. I wasn't that stupid but I had been stupid enough to let Sue see me like this before. She was smart enough to put two and two together. Bells also seemed to be able to do it because, whilst I sat there looking into her soft brown eyes, I could tell she was seeing beyond the hard exterior. I averted my eyes. I wasn't letting her play the therapist role with me, especially not her.

"I brought you something." I told her taking the iPod from my pocket and giving it to her. That thing was old but worked. I wasn't that sure of my brilliant idea anymore when I looked at her confused eyes. Fuck it. "I created a playlist and added some random songs too. I'm not sure but I guess some music may help?" It came out as a question and I had to control the urge to roll my eyes at my own stupidity or worse, laugh. I was making a bigger deal out of this than it really was.

"I know it's just fucking music so don't even try to thank me." I told her because I didn't feel like getting another sentence like the one she had told me before, seeing proof how good she actually was. I wasn't in the mood for dealing with anything right now. I was content just as I was.

Bells gave me the other headphone after a while and I had to close my eyes once I heard the lyrics. I had to stop moping around; just like my mother said, maybe I'd be lucky enough and one day I'd be a better person. Bells on the other hand needed to stop being so hard on herself. That shit wasn't gonna do. I, on the other hand, needed to face the hurt, the damage I had made. What I chose to help me face those things was my choice though. I needed to grow the fuck up and stop whining. The boy I was once was long gone. I had to let go of him.

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**We're getting to know our boy. He's not going to be your favourite person probably. But I hope you understand his reasons.**

**I'm really lost as to which review I answered and which I didn't, so sorry for that. I'm a mess. I realise I should be better at this by now. Thank you for your respectful comments by the way, and feel free to help me improve my writing.**

**See you in chapter 14.**


	14. Chapter 14

**I don't own Twilight, it's property of Stephenie Meyer. I only own the plot and descriptions.**

**Sorry it took me forever! Are you still with me? **

**I passed my finals, had good holidays but I've been having health issues. I don't feel that well most days and when I do I usually try to go out. I'm not gonna lie, had some writer's block too. But I think I will be getting on the schedule I had before my finals –a chapter after two weeks. Lets cross fingers.**

**Kfoll, thank you honey, this would be nothing without you!**

**With you guys, chappie 14.**

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Leaving the hospital was a huge relief. It was already the second week of December and I was excused from school for another week. This meant that, together with the winter holidays, I was going to be out of school for a pretty long time. I was going back to my house but this time I was going to live with Sue. I knew that she had been there whilst I was still in hospital. They had taken away all my meds, gone through my room getting rid of my pills, my razor, my scale… I didn't know what I was going to find when I went back home, for all I knew, they could have even hidden every single knife and fork. I was screwed.

I'd spent a few more days with Edward. He was just what I thought he would be but, at the same time, he was the complete opposite. Edward was what you saw, a cocky teenager most of the time, he had that powerful energy that made you feel envy. He was the good looking one, he was the boy most girls in Forks wanted to sleep with, a large amount of Forks High's female population already had. He was also nothing like those things. Deep down inside, when you looked at his dark eyes, at the shadows under his eyes, at the angles of his face, at the stubble that was often covering is jaw, when you saw that, and caught on how misplaced his grins were, then you could actually see him. Edward Cullen was an actor, one of the best you would ever see, he was pretty much what I had been the previous months and I had a weird, sick, twisted sense of respect for that. He was succeeding with his act whilst I had given up. I knew I was probably going to put my act back on, but I wasn't as strong as I had once been, I was tired of pretending, I was tired of over controlling the way I handled my emotions. I still didn't want to eat, that was a completely different thing, but a part of me, after days in a hospital with no freedom whatsoever, wanted to let go.

A part of me needed to yell, to use my voice, to tell people to go screw themselves and it was scaring me. It had been so long since I had had the _need_ to use my voice, not making small talk with my father, but actually voicing thoughts, feelings. I'd talked about this with Rosalie, through pen and paper since I wasn't comfortable talking to people, besides the short chats I would have with Edward, and she'd thought that it was a good thing. 'Progressing' she'd called it. Rosalie had the idea that voicing feelings would help me heal. Her words, not mine. I wasn't so sure, nor did I have any idea of what healing entailed, but talking I was willing to try. I didn't feel comfortable enough to talk to Emmett yet, with Sue I could try to answer simple yes no questions, but surprisingly it was Edward with whom I wanted to try. I needed to yell at him if he ever gave me a reason to, I needed to have the chance to express how much he had hurt me. I couldn't understand why he was near me now, I was sure it was pity and guilt, but that wasn't going to work for me. I was desperate for love, at the same time I didn't feel like I deserved it and that was probably why I hadn't pushed him away yet, why I hadn't asked him to stop acting out of guilt. I knew that I would at some point; there was only so much pity I could take. I hadn't tried to kill myself to get people fawning all over me because of it; I had wanted to end my awful existence, Period.

"Are you ready to go Bella?" Sue's gentle eyes were narrowed just a bit, almost imperceptibly, showing her concern. I had been collecting the few items I had at the hospital, some were brand new.

Sue had purchased new clothes for me, they didn't fit right, since everybody was waiting for me to put weight back on, but they weren't as baggy as the ones I used to wear. I felt naked, exposed, but at least I was grateful that the clothes were my style. The clothes weren't full of flowery patterns and pastel colors, nor were they the tight tops and jeans girls my age usually wore. Sue had evidently looked into my wardrobe too.

I gathered my strength, pushing myself to do this. If I did, for some time at least, they wouldn't have to expect anything else from me.

"Yeah" My voice was soft and a bit rough; it had been like this for the past year because of its lack of use, since Charlie rarely asked me anything.

Sue looked surprised but didn't comment on it, you would have thought she was annoyed if it wasn't for the small smile she was trying to hide. I didn't dislike her, she seemed gentle and she had been pretty much honest, telling me things about her relationship with Charlie, how she had been waiting for me to text her when she left me her number, how she couldn't put two and two together before things got really bad and felt awful for it. Sue was a good woman, something I wasn't used to. My own mother was something out of a horror story, always drunk; either extremely happy or constantly crying sad. My mother had died, it had been shocking to hear, but I had to ask why Sue seemed to be getting custody of me while Charlie was away and not my mother. It didn't make me feel sad per se, it was just an awkward feeling in my chest. I kind of felt relieved, even though she didn't obviously love me, her life was a mess; it was going to happen sooner or later, I was glad it happened sooner and after an accident. My mother died instantly after hitting her head with the bathroom tub, she didn't feel any pain besides hitting her head and that was all I needed to know. I couldn't blame her for leaving; it was probably for the best. I didn't think the same way when I was younger, but now I knew that if she stayed, it would have hurt even more. I didn't have to see her getting worse and worse with each drop of alcohol that entered her damaged system and I didn't have to take care of her. Wherever she was, I was glad she had left. I was also quite sure that she was drunk when she slipped, but Sue had left that little detail out.

Sue carried my bag, since I wasn't allowed to do it myself, apparently I had to rest and gain my strength back. Not being allowed to exercise was going to drive me nuts. It was another gloomy day in Forks but for some reason I could see the sun coming from behind the clouds, creating a grey effect all over the front of the hospital and making the little puddles of water on the floor, from the previous day, shine in an odd way. I took a deep breath; I hadn't been out for a long time and maybe the fact that I was on prescribed meds now helped a little. I was scared, I didn't know what was ahead of me, my whole life had changed in the blink of an eye and not only didn't I understand the people around , I didn't understand myself. Somewhere along the line I had lost myself. I didn't know who I was anymore, I didn't know what I wanted except to be thin, trying to achieve something, trying to feel at ease with myself, trying to feel enough… I was completely and utterly lost when it came to specifics.

I felt a soft tug on my hand and then Sue's hand in mine tightening her grip a little. I looked up and saw a small encouraging smile and crinkles around her dark lined hazel eyes. I nodded and let her guide me to a black Toyota. The car wasn't new by any means, but it smelled incredibly nice and was completely clean. Once we were heading home I tried to distract myself by looking at the trees and the few shops in town, at the people who had no worries except for paying their bills and buying groceries. I didn't even know if I wanted to stay alive, but I wasn't so sure about killing myself anymore. It wasn't as if I was suddenly happy, or content. I was waiting for things to clear a little, from the shock to leave people, to see how my life was really going to be. Besides, I'd failed in my first attempt when all the chances were in favor of me dying, now that people knew about my suicidal tendencies I doubted I would be any luckier. I would only get myself committed and that was even worse than my current situation. For some strange reason, being this coherent gave me the imperious need to pat myself on the back, I hadn't completely lost it… yet.

I had always had a hard time adjusting, fitting in. It was as if I wasn't made for this world. My eyes seemed to see things in a different way; I seemed to feel differently, mismatching other people's feelings, it was as if I was part of a different puzzle, the piece that couldn't find her place in the one hole where it was supposed to fit. I didn't fit in my family, my parents not wanting to be in that role; I didn't fit in at school, I wasn't good enough, I was the odd kid. The world was just a strange place to me, a strange place I wasn't able to understand yet.

I looked at the woman beside me. Sue was one of the things that made no sense whatsoever in my life. She always seemed in control of things, she seemed happy and yet when I looked into her eyes I could see more than just a happy woman. The much too clear wrinkles around her eyes when her face was relaxed, way too premature for her age, confirmed my thoughts. She came across as a simple woman, at first, just your average mother, that's of course if you didn't look beyond what the eye could see, but if you paid attention to the signs you could see she was far away from being simple. It was kind of interesting that the two people who were trying to do something for me were people who obviously had something to hide. I knew there was more to Sue than I knew.

Stepping inside my house filled me with memories. I could see Charlie, I could see myself cutting, I could see myself throwing up… I closed my eyes tightly, willing my mind to shut those memories out. Maybe it wasn't such a good idea to come home. My breath was labored and I opened my eyes when I felt a hand on my shoulder. It was Sue, giving me one of the pills I had to take. I didn't complain and just swallowed it with a glass of water she gave me. I had no idea what I was taking, Emmett had declared me unfit for managing medication, with obvious reasons, so Sue was the one keeping them away and giving them to me. I was just told they would help me get rid of my depression and diminish my anxiety. I wasn't so sure they would.

"Want to see your room?" Oh that look. Sue was nervous, I could tell by the way her eyes shifted ever so minimally from my own eyes to the floor. If there was something that not-talking gave you it was a huge power of observation, you would spend the time other people spent talking watching, observing. It was rather entertaining.

"Okay" My voice was still a whisper but it had to be enough. Sue came with me to my room and opened the door for me. My room looked different.

Everything was way tidier than it had been before. My desk was almost bare except for the old laptop and some post-it notes. The cork board was missing from the wall and in its place there was a magnetic white board, I guess pins were considered a no-no too. My drawers were also tidier and I found my diary on my bedside table. I turned around, and looked Sue in the eye. My diary was private.

"I haven't touched it Bella, I swear. But it would be good if you could let Emmet read it? If you're not able to talk yet that is." She was extremely uncomfortable but her voice was still soft. I nodded, I wasn't so sure of letting Emmett read it but it would save me from talking for a while.

My closet was… not my closet. My few shoes and new clothes were in their place, there were a few boxes I'm sure had things in and on top of one of those there was Eddie. It was a stuffed giraffe Edward had given me, since I was the only one who had gave him a reason not to hate his nickname so much. Giraffes were pretty, I had always liked them, they were my favorite animal. But this one in particular reminded me of Edward, of who he used to be. That had been a good time, when he gave me that giraffe, his mother had been nicer with him than usual, things had been calmer, we had been happier… I hugged Eddie to my chest and smelled it, trying to get some memories back, although I was sure I would only breathe some dust. The giraffe smelled good. I looked at it and it looked clean, it also smelled wonderful. I rubbed its head.

"It was the only stuffed animal I found, I guessed it was important." Sue's voice took me out of my daze and I nodded again touching Eddie for good measure. I had hid it long ago.

"It is" My voice was stronger but still raspy; I guess that's how I sounded.

The day was mostly uneventful, I had to eat small snacks and Sue watched some TV with me, she had asked for a week off at work. I couldn't wrap my mind around the idea of this woman getting in so much trouble for me. I had never experienced anything like that. I also helped her wrap a few gifts she had for Leah, she was seeing her daughter in two days and I even got to hear her talking to Leah on the phone. Sue looked incredibly happy to hear from her daughter, her eyes were sparkling with happiness and promises of tight warm hugs and cinnamon cookies. I went to my room at that point and once I was sitting on my bed, thinking about how different and yet how familiar everything was, I looked at my scars for the first time. They were long, sharp, coming from just above my hand to about two or three inches up and rising almost imperceptible among the not so healthy skin where my other cuts were. I rubbed my left wrist which was the one that had suffered most abuse. I didn't want people to look at my scars, they told a part of my story I wasn't comfortable having strangers looking at. I had a few bracelets I had been using but I knew I had to get more. Maybe I was paranoid, but having a cuff seemed like a better idea, one of those leather ones punks or emos or whatever other social clan wore. Or maybe wear smaller bracelets… I sighed. I had no money, so it didn't actually matter.

"Bella, Edward is downstairs. We're having dinner in an hour; he can stay if you want him to." I looked up at Sue perplexed, I had zoned out yet again. I nodded, more out of habit than anything.

Once Sue was out of my sight I looked to my right where Eddie was lying comfortably on my bed. I rubbed his little head again and I couldn't resist hugging him to my chest for what seemed like the millionth time.

"I'm ridiculous Eddie. I'm even talking to you." I Shook my head, I _was_ ridiculous, seeing Edward at the hospital or here was the same, but I had thought once I was home he would go back to ignoring me. Guess I was wrong.

Lying against the wall and tapping his right fingers against his leg was Edward. He looked disheveled, his hair messier than usual and his clothes with more wrinkles. Whatever was going on with him was screwing him up, slowly but surely. He lifted his gaze once he saw me and lowered it again once I was standing near him. His pupils weren't so wide and I was thankful for that, I really didn't want him to use since I knew it would cause him harm, I wasn't a vengeful person so the thought of him suffering didn't please me.

Edward smiled at me, big and bright, teeth showing. It was a beautiful sight, or would have been if his eyes had been completely forest green and not the stormy green they were.

"Bells." He nodded and I raised my eyebrow making him crack up, he would always get amused the few times I didn't cower from him. "Brought ya a little something." He showed me then what the arm he had behind his back was carrying, a small red bag. "Here." He handed me the bag and I took it, curious as to why on earth he was giving me another thing. I still had his iPod.

Inside the bag there were bracelets and I gasped. Was he a mind reader?

I took a black leather cuff out first and I recognized it.

"This was…"

"Mine yeah, it's too fucking small now." He shrugged like it was nothing but I could feel my throat constricting. Edward had worn that cuff for a whole year when we were in ninth grade; it was stupid of me but it was _something_ coming from the boy who had made my life hell.

Inside the bag there were bracelets in different sizes and colors, although most were black. I shook my head; he didn't have to do this.

"Don't start okay? Just accept them already Bells. I know those…" he pointed at my scars visible from where my sweater had risen. "… will get a hell lot of attention at school. Fuckers will ask, so covering seems like a really fucking good idea". He was so proud of himself I had to roll my eyes. Edward just smirked.

"Thank you then, Einstein." Even though my voice was still too low for normal conversation, Edward cracked up once again. I hadn't seen or heard him laugh in a long time and I really didn't want to know if it was drug induced or if I just amused him. Was he laughing at me?

"Anytime Bells. Well, I need to head out, see you soon, and please don't do anything stupid." He grew serious at that and I just nodded again, I was going to get a stiff neck at this rate. Edward just winked and turned around taking himself out of my house but not before adding something to his speech. "You have my number, use it."

That night dinner was hard. I kept pushing the food on my plate around, taking tiny bits. It took me two hours to finish half my plate, until I broke down and Sue had to hold me. I felt useless, I hated that I couldn't put my act on, this wasn't having control. I had lost all control and it was scaring me, I didn't know anymore if I had been delusional before or if this was them having control, having taken it from me. I was able to have a night of rest though, the meds providing the peacefulness I needed, calming my racing mind, easing my aching muscles into soft sleepy limbs. The chemicals in my blood took control over my body's volition. I had all control taken away from me, but at night, it soothed me in ways I couldn't have imagined.

Sue revealed a little about herself the next day, she hadn't had the easiest childhood, that's all I knew and for that moment, just for that instant, it was enough.

"Sometimes life hits you sooner Bella, it throws you down and you need to learn to stand up every time." Sue had said, wise eyes and soft voice making me watch her intently. "But I promise you that one day, when you've toughened up, if you haven't let life make you bitter, you will be stronger than you'd ever thought you could be."

She had continued folding clothes then, letting me think about her words. It seemed like a pretty surreal thought, to think of me as a tough person, of someone who wasn't a mess. I couldn't process the idea.

Edward came for lunch and I wished he hadn't. He saw me break down, yet again, over food of course. This time is was more since in my panic I ended up throwing my plate to the floor on purpose; if the food was on the floor they couldn't make me eat it. I didn't want them to touch me or give me my meds, all I wanted was for this to stop, they had to stop forcing me to eat.

"Come on stand up Bells, this shit won't do." Edward tried pulling me onto my feet but I shoved him. I had slipped on sauce, it was tomato, but still, it had oil. I didn't want him to touch me.

"That's it? You're gonna stay there crying over a fucking meal?" His tone was hard and it made me look at him. He wasn't walking on egg shells like Sue, he wasn't understanding. He was pushing, relentless. He was like a force of nature. "Don't look at me like that, we might not be friends anymore but we both know you're better than this. Stand the fuck up Bells."

Edward reached me with his hand and to my utter surprise I took it, letting him pull me onto my feet. It was shocking, the fact that the way he treated me, that he wasn't treating me like a china doll but treating me like nothing was wrong, worked better than letting me whine and cry. I was a mess. The though made me shake, making a sob erupt from my throat and arms that weren't soft or feminine encircle around me. I let him, I would yell at him later, he was nobody; he couldn't demand things from me. He wasn't my friend, he had said so.

I spent that day trying to keep my mind busy, Edward had left an hour after lunch, he had been anxious, fidgety; he was on edge. I knew my stunt had put him in that state but I had never asked anything from him. This was all his doing, coming here, trying to play hero, that was all him. It wasn't that I didn't appreciate it, because I did, but I didn't want to feel guilty over him getting all worked up. My mind had enough craziness for a lifetime.

Sue and I had dinner, which thankfully consisted of vegetables. She watched TV with me for a while until it was time to take my medication. I knew I had an appointment with Emmet in a few days, the thought making my anxiety crawl over my skin, consuming me from inside out, making my heart thunder and beat against my ears. That was probably the reason why that night's sleep wasn't kind on me, and why I was able to hear the continuous noises at my window. I opened my eyes, dizzy and disoriented from my state of half sleep. I stood up slowly, thinking about clichés and watching too much television, noises at my window was too teenage soap opera or horror movie. I peeked out and saw a boy in the front yard, not any boy but Edward.

"What the fuck?" I grumbled. I wasn't one to curse much but this was unexpected. I grabbed my phone, trying to decipher what ungodly hour this was. It was four thirty am. What was he doing here? Did I have to open the door for him? Sue was going to kill me, the meds were supposed to make me sleep until morning. Well it was almost morning…

Putting a big sweatshirt on, I walked down, trying not to make noise on the stairs, cursing under my breath when I hit my knee against the table. I opened the door and there he was; his hair a mess, his face scratched, green plaid shirt wrinkled, a cigarette on his lips. Edward looked like night had washed over him. He looked calmer though, a distant image of the restless boy from earlier.

"Can I come in Bells?" He was a foot away from me now and I knew he had used something. I hated it, I hated seeing him high. He was destroying himself for nothing. Or so I thought.

"It's four thirty in the morning!" I closed the door behind me. This was going to get me into trouble, he was trouble. I felt like an idiot, the typical girl who needed someone and relied on the bad guy, trying to change him. But I wasn't the typical girl, a typical girl doesn't see shadows that aren't there, isn't on psychiatric meds, doesn't have cuts on her wrists and isn't deadly afraid of eating. A typical bad boy doesn't carry the hurt Edward did in his eyes. I calmed down. This was me and him, the boy who made my life hell and the girl who never stood up for herself. I sat on the stairs, having him sit next to me. I tapped my fingers, anxiously eyeing his cigarette. I needed one.

Seeming to read my mind, he held a packet out of his pocket. I took it gladly and lit a cigarette with the lighter I found inside the package. I put everything down on the floor between us, not touching him.

"Life is so fucked up you know. People get shit all the time, some deserve it, and some don't. It's funny how those who don't get it worse." He inhaled and I eyed him curiously. He was the boy I knew and he also wasn't. I'd said it once and I could repeat it every single time he opened up. Edward was one hell of an actor. The dim light made him look paler, his face sharper, his pupils bigger, wider, his nose redder, maybe from the cold, maybe not…

"Sometimes I just need some fucking peace you know. Everyone is always expecting something from me, it's fucking tiring." He was rambling, his voice sounding louder, his thoughts racing. "It's so fucking funny, because your silence annoys me like no other thing, I swear, drives me fucking nuts Bells." He laughed.

"You already are." I heard him take a sharp breath and then crack up, throwing his head back in laughter. It was easier talking to him because he didn't expect anything from me, and he would leave once his guilt ended. I elbowed him and looked up, I didn't want Sue coming down.

"Shit, sorry. Didn't know you had it in you." He laughed more and didn't look apologetic at all.

"What are you doing here?" I was past going around in circles. He had watched me for weeks, trying to talk to me and then decided it was okay to do so once I had tried to end myself.

"I don't know." He answered truthfully, I could tell by his tone. Although this strong charade he always had made it harder for me to realize when he was lying and when he wasn't. "Guess I just needed quiet, to rest a while."

Edward shrugged and I looked at him again. He looked tired as hell, but at the same time he didn't. He also had a cut. I tried touching him but ended up startling him, I was going to apologize when he blurted something that made me froze.

"It's nothing, just my asshole of a father."

He kept smoking like nothing had happened, like I didn't have calm, caring Carlisle hitting his son in my head, like things had just shifted for me.

But everything had.

* * *

**Things are progressing, slowly. Bella will begin to change, she won't make sense to you sometimes, but she's trying to find her way after what happened, deciding what to do with herself. **

**I know there will be questions now, but promise I'm not falling on clichés, aka Carlisle hitting Edward all the time and Bella falling for him because of it. There's a bumpy ride ahead.**

**I don't remember if I replied your reviews, I will reply the ones you leave here.**

**I also made a blog romycullenff dot blogspot dot com , check it out.**

**See you in chapter fifteen.**


	15. Chapter 15

**I don't own Twilight, it's property of Stephenie Meyer. I only own the plot and descriptions.**

**A guest asked what was I referring to when I wrote "ed", ED stands for Eating Disorder, we don't usually name it but rather refer as it by saying "My ED", even when it's talking in your head. **

**Kfoll, my amazing beta, thank you for taking the time to correct my writing with your brilliant skills and sticking with me through this journey.**

**Here goes Chappie 15!**

* * *

" _Protège-moi, protège-moi…__  
__Protège-moi de mes désirs…__  
__Protège-moi, protège-moi…"_

Edward stayed until the sun rose and my lips became blue with cold. He also said he was sorry he didn't have a jacket or hoodie with him to give me, even if I was already wearing a sweatshirt. I rolled my eyes. I was on my own house's porch, I could get one. I didn't tell him I enjoyed the pain the cold was causing on my skin, though it relieved me. It brought back memories from warm red blood leaking and skin opening; from instant relief, adrenaline rushes and things I was no longer able to do, things I wasn't supposed to want, to _need_.

We didn't speak after Edward's dismissive way of telling me his father had just hit him. I was pretty sure Carlisle wasn't abusive, at least not physically. I just sat there, closer to another person than I had been for years, legs touching, arms brushing. I could feel Edward's heat radiate from his tall, lean body. He was far less muscular than he had been. He was thinner and I wondered if it was due to the drugs. If it was, then I wanted to try them.

I couldn't stop thinking about my body, I just couldn't. It was as if a switch had been turned on and I had no way of turning it off now. Something, someone, had opened the cage that held all of my demons, and now they were out playing with my head. I could hear their voices, always whispering, reminding me of my faults and flaws. I could feel their claws tightening their grip onto me every time my mind made the smallest attempt to escape their prison. It was as if my mind wasn't my own anymore. It was like somewhere, in some specific moment that eluded me, the part of me which knew things weren't okay with the way I saw, I felt, I thought had given up.

I could tell what was real from the things I knew were created by my head. I knew those shadows weren't there, that's what made them all the more scary. I saw Edward look absentmindedly at a tree's shadow and thought about him and I, as kids. I thought about scary clouds, and shadows at night, I thought about being able to trust. I thought about being able to tell your darkest secrets. I wasn't able to anymore.

I didn't make any attempt to touch him when he was finally leaving and Edward didn't try to hug me, or hold my hand, or just reach for me. But he held my gaze and I held his right back, looking into his dark eyes and then, in that moment I had the biggest epiphany I had ever had. Since being a kid, the only person who had ever looked into my eyes, held my gaze even while saying the most hurtful things to me, the only one who had looked into my eyes and seen me, was him. Just like that my dawn turned into a restless spin of wheels inside my head. What if I had been the only one really looking at him? Really seeing him? Why, if he could see the hurt he was causing, didn't he stop?

I touched the ashes over the worn wood floor, the smell of cigarettes still present and I brought my finger tips to my nose while Edward's Nissan was departing. His hurt, and mine, and the hurt he had caused were as real as these ashes, but so was the fact that I had just realized that all along, in a sick and twisted way, Edward had been my only contact with the real world.

I climbed the stairs slowly and made it to my room without hearing any noise coming from Charlie's, now Sue's, room. As quietly and soundlessly as I could, I looked into every drawer, under my bed, behind my clothes and in a no time at all my room was a mess again, just like my head. I needed a razor. I needed the freeing physical pain and adrenaline that cutting caused me. But the only pain I could feel was inside my chest, from the truths I had never intended to have disclosed right in front of my eyes.

I sat on my unmade bed, grabbing my head and running my shaky fingers through my tangled hair until I could reach my scalp. I hugged Eddie tightly to my chest, almost feeling comforted by his presence. I looked at the, now purplish, sky through my window. What had just happened?

Sue never suspected I had been out and I honestly felt bad for her. I had acted behind her back. Not that it was anything new to me, but Sue was happy I guess, because she was 'helping'. I had the feeling she felt as if she was making up for the things she felt guilty about. Things like going to see her daughter that night. I was inclined to tell her she didn't need to. It wasn't worth the effort. But her efforts, warm and soft smiles that encouraged me and made me silent prevented me from doing it. I kind of envied Leah, what would it have been having a mom like Sue? I would never know. I couldn't ask either. I kept silent. I had nothing to say. I wanted to talk, I wanted… I wanted Edward. He gave me the chance to talk.

The day was uneventful, the struggle at meal times usual by now, the frowning at my eating still present, but also the tiniest bit of eye glimmer from Sue. She held me tight when she left to see Leah, telling me she was going to be back later, when I was already asleep. She also talked to Rosalie for a good twenty minutes before leaving. She even thanked her, it was surreal.

I stayed with Rosalie that night while Sue was seeing her daughter and probably realizing just how abnormal I was, so I was feeling shittier than usual. Sue had been so happy to see her daughter, her perfect beautiful daughter. I felt guilty. I felt guilty because I was keeping a kid from seeing her mom; she had agreed upon guilt, I was messing up. Leah was supposed to be with Sue, not me. Where was Charlie? Had he just disappeared just like that? I felt something grow in my chest, but couldn't recognize what it was. One thing I was sure of, it wasn't pleasant.

Rosalie made me watch a movie about a man, a killer and kind of a sociopath. He was just as nuts as I was, well without the killing and making perfumes part. Rosalie told me Emmett would kill her if he knew what she was making me watch, but she had also said I had to feel as normal as possible, I couldn't be treated like I was made out of glass. I was strong; I didn't have to believe I was weak. If I believed I was, then my illness would overrule me, and that was a bad thing.

Rosalie said I deserved love, respect, care and everything else other people did. I also deserved the right to show my discomfort, my anger, my hurt, in a healthy way. I had to yell, I had to let my anger out, all the disappointment from not being enough out, not into myself, but out. Violence wasn't the key, in any form, and abusing my body was just like abusing someone elses. She gave me my pills, just like Sue always did every evening after dinner, a dinner that had been odd. Rosalie didn't frown or have glimmer, she just smiled a little bit and arranged her own food in ways I knew weren't what "normal" people would do. She made it easier for me to eat a bit more.

I was able to sleep that night. Rosalie's words dancing in my head, a constant echo whilst colors changed, and shapes transformed and I saw the faces of those who had always reminded me of how unworthy I was.

Sue was unstoppable the next day. It was like she was a woman on a mission. So energetic it was giving me whiplash. She cleaned, she talked about Leah, she helped me organize my school folder and told me about Leah's letter and how badly she wanted for me to be able to read it. She helped me get my room tidy again and talked, talked, and talked… until her voice was a constant noise in my head. She talked while making lunch, she talked while eating lunch. She asked questions, making me nod or shake my head. And she talked while cleaning the dishes, adding things like "You know?" at the end, making sure I was paying attention.

She just talked non-stop. It was making me numb. And when my next pill came and my stupid slow brain caught up, I was mad. She had been distracting me from food and it had worked. I had eaten it all.

_Just wait, you'll be over a hundred pounds in two days!_

Shut up!

_You want me to shut up now? Really? You're so fucking disgusting, already giving up_

Shut up!

_Just an unworthy fatty_

I put my hands over my ears. I didn't want to hear it, any of it. I was getting paranoid. And I was mad.

Sue's hand was in front of me, shaking slightly, holding my medication. I didn't take the pill. I stood up and saw it fall to the, almost too clean, floor. Sue looked at me with concern and that small movement in her eyes that told me she felt regret.

_You're always fucking things up_

"Stop it!" I yelled. It wasn't at Edward as I thought my first outburst would have been directed to, but at Sue… or at my head… or at…. I didn't even know. But nothing felt truer than those two words. And I got scared, and did the only thing I could. I ran.

I ran until my lungs made it hard to breathe. I ran and ran and my throat constricted from the cold air and the effort. My legs burned, the muscles protesting against the sudden effort. My stomach was clenching and unclenching, rumbling. I gasped, I had no air. I ran.

I ran until I couldn't move anymore and breathing evenly was impossible.

I reached the little park not too far but not too close from home, just about 15 blocks, and vomited my lunch inside a trash can. Moving and a full stomach didn't get along, just like my mother's drinking and spinning.

I sat on a bench, not able to hold myself up any longer. I was tired, from both the run and the constant noise in my head. My mouth felt dirty; the bitter and acidic taste making me feel nauseated. I didn't have any money with me to buy water and wash the taste away. I also wasn't close to any shop neither did I have the strength to go there.

I wasn't even properly dressed now that I thought about it. I had boyfriend jeans, worn, almost unlaced, boots that had seen better days and a baggy t-shirt with a huge plaid shirt over it that I was pretty sure had belonged to a man. Some raindrops were falling from the sky, the usual weather fitting my mood, just like the day I had bought the scale.

I was freezing. I was poorly dressed for winter, but my heart was racing and my cheeks were burning. I could only guess how my hair looked, untamed and wild. And I felt self-conscious. The park was deserted now, but anyone from school could see me. I was too tired to go back home on my own, I needed something, someone. I knew what I wanted.

I felt something on my leg and yelped. Phone, it was my phone, I had my phone in my pocket, I had been playing a stupid game on it all day between Sue's ramblings.

I had a text. I, Bella, had a text on her phone.

"Where the fuck r u?"

Edward.

He had saved his number on my phone while I was still in hospital. Sue had probably called him, or texted him. Or maybe he was at my house, maybe he had gone there to see me. I scoffed, I wasn't important. I wasn't wanted. But… why was he still sticking to my side? I saw a shadow run into the playground.

I remembered his words, "_You have my number, use it._"

So I did. I typed, fast.

"Park"

There was only one park in Forks; the weather wasn't exactly the best for outdoor activities for children. One park was enough. I was all alone after all… even if I didn't feel like it.

I hadn't taken one of my meds today, I had kept it pressed against my upper molars and cheek and thrown it away once Sue was back in the kitchen. They were taking control away from me. I didn't want those meds, I needed control back. But just as the clouds got darker and moved faster and I could feel myself being watched, I whimpered and a tiny sobbed escaped me.

I was scared. Scared of shadows that were unreal but felt real. Scared of this paranoid feeling I was getting, scared of being scared. My head was a horrible mess. I had no control, I had lost it. I didn't feel secure, I needed known territory. I wanted it. I wanted it back. I wanted him back. He had to come. But he had hurt me…

I heard thunder rip through the dead silence. Another small sob erupted from deep within my chest, and then another, until they were cascading, drowning me in my own sorrow. Marching along with the thunder beats. I was cold, all over, I was scared, and lost, and mad.

Two large hands grabbed me and I screamed loudly, my eyes big and wild.

It was Edward, it was always him lately. For some reason I didn't want it to be someone else either.

"I lost it, Edward, I've lost it." Tears were falling from my eyes and I saw him swallow. I also saw the shadow disappear into the forest and the clouds turn.

I looked back at Edward. I knew he probably had no idea what I was talking about, but it almost felt as if he did as he took my hand and curled it into his and pressed both our nails into my palm. I could feel it then, the pain. It was soft, almost non-existent, but still there. It was known. I wanted to press harder, he didn't let me.

"You haven't." Edward opened our hands and kept mine open with his, running his thumb over the marks on my palm. "This is the shit you have to control, use your control here, don't fuck things up any further Bells."

"I want it to hurt." I admitted. I needed it. I needed to feel something, a different hurt than my own emotional hurt, I missed the pain. I missed the known, I didn't get it. I wanted it, the hurt, him, I wanted.

"It numbs it all, doesn't it? Of course it does." He didn't ask, he just stated it, his tone flat, void of any emotion. "But you can do so much fucking better than numbing Bells, trust me."

Edward held my gaze there, again, and I was lost in his stormy, night still, forest green eyes. I could see his own way of numbing things there, always present, never fully but always there. I took my hand away from his. Suddenly mad.

"Then why?" I was feeling anger again. It was boiling inside me, ready to burst.

Edward looked straight at me, coldly. Numb. He was fucking numb.

"Why what Bells?" He was losing his calm façade.

"Why are you numbing yourself?" He just snorted, looked to the sky, then took a breath, and shook his head. I hit his chest with my flat palm, trying to push him away. "You can't tell me what to do! You don't even have to be here. You don't have to do this!"

I saw anger cross his eyes and he grabbed my wrist, stopping me from pushing him away again. I whimpered, the scar not fully cicatrized. It hurt, but I wasn't feeling like myself, or maybe I was finally beginning to. I kept going on.

"Why do you even care?" I was yelling by now, and it felt so good. Rosalie was right, yelling felt good. I wanted the truth, I wanted it from him.

"Because it was and is my fucking fault! All of this!" Edward was also yelling by now, his eyes were hard and angry and hurt and also shameful. The wounds on his face were still showing, making him look deadly, or dead, I couldn't tell which one... There was so much in there. So much in that look, in those eyes...

I _hated_ it.

He wasn't the only one; he was just one of many factors. One of the reasons my life hadn't or wasn't worth living for.

"It's not! It's just…" I couldn't finish my sentence, this was bringing back one of our small talks at the hospital, he knew, I had told him already. I had wanted him to know.

"I know, I know… everything, fucking everything. But I've made this worse, you can't deny that. I was part in fucking you up" Edward was growing desperate and I just wanted him to shut up.

Edward, Sue, who were they? Why now? They had to stop. They were no one. Not to me, because I was no one to them.

"It doesn't matter. You feel guilty, you shouldn't. You're doing this because you think it's your fault. I told you, it isn't. So why bother?" I was crying again and I had to wrap my arms tightly around myself, trying to hold the pieces of myself together.

I wanted the truth, I wanted the hurt, I wanted him honest and blunt. I wanted it, even if I wasn't prepared for it. In the end, I always wanted what hurt me.

"Because I don't want you to die!" Edward all but yelled. This time I could see the desperate way his face and tone were begging me to understand. But I couldn't understand. "I don't want you to fucking kill yourself! I don't want you to fucking hurt yourself any further! I know I've been an asshole, hell I know..."

Edward grabbed his hair and then began gesturing wildly whilst his rant kept going faster and faster and I just kept crying.

"I was nine, and I wanted to be accepted, be friends in secret, but you expected me to act like that. You expected me to be a fucking jerk! And then shit happened, at home, everywhere, and I got carried away. And I accepted what I was. I saw it!" His eyes were pained and I whimpered again, unable to control it.

"And you were so fucking weak, I hated you," I flinched at that, it was different hearing it from him, "you were pathetic. So fucking pathetic… I couldn't stop hating you. A fucking martyr. You didn't fight back, ever, and it disgusted me! You disgusted me! It's not an excuse; it's just the fucking truth!"

Edward's brutal honesty had made the pieces I had been blindly trying to keep together fall again. As much as I loved this, the familiarity, as much as I wanted it, it was also like seeing the other shoe drop after waiting for it. I just wanted him to stop hurting me further then, stop his act of guilt. His guilt was hurting me. But I wanted hurt, didn't I?

"You hate me. And it's my fault… then why fucking bother?" I was the desperate one now. "Let me fucking die! Leave me alone! Life's unfair; you kill yourself or get over it. I chose the first one. I did, not you!"

I cried; the truth of it all, and the lie in it all devastating. I didn't want him to leave, but I did. I had wanted to die; now I didn't even know anymore. I wanted him to stay; I wanted Edward in my life, even after everything he'd done. Even if he wasn't so sane himself. I just wanted it. Whatever that meant, I did, but I also didn't want him. My rational part was telling me to run away from him, as much as it was telling me to stop hurting myself. That part was small though, tiny, microscopic, it was just a whisper in a thundered night.

"I won't let you. Don't expect me to fucking let you do it." Edward's tone was so sharp I could almost feel it cut into my skin. I felt relieved, and scared. He was staying. Why did I want him to stay?

I felt so relieved, this was new, but familiar, _he_ was familiar. Even if I didn't know him completely, even if he hurt me, then _hurt_ was familiar. My crying didn't stop, I was too worked up. I was scared of the things I wanted.

"And I don't hate you now, I just don't like you." A sob escaped me then, hurt, I felt it.

Edward lowered his face until it was at the same level as mine and I opened my eyes. His eyes again looking straight into mine, the only door to sincerity open on both sides. "You're too much like me sometimes for me to like you."

* * *

**So, still with me? I know she's probably far from what she was in chapter 1, but she's finally beginning to deal with things, and ****showing**** how she feels, not grabbing them onto her body. But it's a slow process, there's no magic in recovery. Magic is in fairy tales, and this isn't one.**

**Also, I know some probably hate how much she's relying on Edward, hope I've given all the reasons here. And if not, be patient, the story line has been already planned last June.**

**Thank you for your reviews and constructive criticism. I tried the writing shorter paragraphs for better reading tip, did it work? **

**Hope I actually replied to everyone this time.**

**Blog: .com**

**See you on chappie 16.**


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